DDD

Well-Known Member
If you don't trust your psychiatrist enough to work in tandem seeking the right help for your son...find a new Pediatric Psychiatrist that you and your husband and your difficult child are comfortable with now and the anticipated future. Sending hugs your way and strong hopes that your child will once again be on stabilizing medications so he can enjoy the best quality of life available to him.

by the way, did he have a complete neuropsychological evaluation. I notice there is no PTSD listed on your signature and since he had over two years in an unknown environment...he may also be suffering from Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Find the top experts so you know what you're dealing with and can
access all the support needed. Hugs. DDD
 

howlongto18

New Member
Thanks everyone. I am familiar with the Holland thing... it's a favorite among adoption groups for people trying to come to terms with not having bio kids. The thing is I'm not sure what I'm coming to terms with. I'm stubborn and I don't want to settle for less than we can have. I feel like it's my job to fight for this kid at least until he's an adult and likely to my dying breath. I don't want to decide now that he's seven that he's never going to really live and experience depth and joy. I accept he's different. I accept that things are harder for us and always will be, but I don't accept defeat. If he gets to adulthood and destroys his life and chooses to pursue a terrible path, I think I can come to terms with that then, but while I'm responsible for him I don't think I can.

He's doing better right now. We're watching him closely. I'm avoiding triggers and we're being careful with his diet. We have the doctor on speed dial and I'm trying to distract myself with a sewing project.

Therapy might be a good idea for us. I can see from this week that I need strategies in place that are practiced and familiar. We also need to figure out how to shelter my three year old. He's picking up on Carlos' bad behavior (not what I need!) and yesterday threatened to "punch your head off." That's a direct quote from Carlos. I'm not worried he will mimic the violence or anything like that, because he does respond to traditional parenting, it's just that I don't want to deal with that **** on top of what we already have on our plate. Maybe I'll have my husband do Carlos duty tonight so I can take my little one out for some one on one.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I'll try again, although I've tried before and gotten no response.

You have adopted a child from another country at an older age. Not only does he probably have attachment issues, but his birthmother may have done some drinking during her pregnancy, which could put him on the fetal alcohol spectrum. She could have serious mental illness which he could have inherited. He needs MORE assessment than you'd give a child who was born to you in which you have a good family history and an understanding that he'd had good prenatal care before he was born. Did he spend time in an orphanage? If so, the possibility that he has attachment issues multiplies.

I agree strongly that he needs help from somebody who SPECIALIZES in helping adopted kids. Is your other child a biological child? Did your agency warn you that adopting an older child from an underdeveloped country could result in problems with the child? I get upset because so many agencies really downplay that, then the child comes and the parents are shocked and unsure of what to do. And if you adopt internationally, as we did twice, there is no real help after the adoption.

I would take Carlos to a neuropsychologist to have him tested in all areas. It sounds...and I could be wrong...that perhaps you want desperately to feel that Carlos is a normal kid. I always got the feeling that you didn't want to know about possible organic issues (alcohol?) or the really severe possibilities. If so, I understand (truly), but I still think it's a good idea to go all out and see more than just the psychiatrist who isn't helping him. Neurological stuff could be going on. NeuroPsychs are psychologists with special training in the brain. They do 6-10 hour evaluations are are really good at pinpointing problems that others miss. All kinds of organic problems in the brain can cause a lack of remorse and, then again, he may have remorse and be unable to express it. He is very young but he needs intervention NOW.

I probably wrote all this before, but I thought I'd give it another try. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
Feel free to post frequently as you sort through your concerns. The group is a welcoming group though often we don't exactly see things the same way.

I might suggest that you seem to be discounting the possibility that a full and wonderful life can be led by children who require medication. Of course we all wish that everything was perfect with-o medications but in my experience unmedicated youngsters who are shadowed by parents have far less of a chance to flourish than those who can mainstream with peers. We have raised a handsome, funny, gifted child with exceptional athletic abilities. We have watched him perform on stages, on basketball courts and in a World Series game. During all those happy times he was often one of just a few peers who took medication for Tourette's, ADHD, etc.. Their friends accepted them and did not discriminate.

on the other hand, I have an adult daughter who has a lonely son who spends his time "with Mom" or in his room. He requires three medications and when he is on them he is functional. She feels he is "fine" cloistered in a small family unit with-o medications.

I know it's not what you (or we) envisioned but the first five years of life determine so much of the future for children. Both of your children will feel the effects of the dysfunction....the easy child's just don't display their emotions until much after the fact because they want to protect their parents from stress and bring them joy and "pretent" all is well.

Good luck. DDD
 

howlongto18

New Member
I'll try again, although I've tried before and gotten no response.

You have adopted a child from another country at an older age. Not only does he probably have attachment issues, but his birthmother may have done some drinking during her pregnancy, which could put him on the fetal alcohol spectrum. She could have serious mental illness which he could have inherited. He needs MORE assessment than you'd give a child who was born to you in which you have a good family history and an understanding that he'd had good prenatal care before he was born.

(I agree)

Did he spend time in an orphanage? If so, the possibility that he has attachment issues multiplies.

(No. He was with the same foster mother from birth through 27 months of age)

I agree strongly that he needs help from somebody who SPECIALIZES in helping adopted kids.

(I do believe he has some trust issues as a result of his adoption, but I don't necessarily believe that he is suffering any form of attachment disorder)

Is your other child a biological child?

(Yes)

Did your agency warn you that adopting an older child from an underdeveloped country could result in problems with the child? I get upset because so many agencies really downplay that, then the child comes and the parents are shocked and unsure of what to do. And if you adopt internationally, as we did twice, there is no real help after the adoption.

(We set out to adopt an infant and our agency so terribly mishandled the adoption that we brought home a two year old by default. It took two years post referral to bring him home and that was with us completing the process in country without our agency. We think they should have been shut down for the mishandling of not only our case but several others. We ended up settling with them agreeing to never again work with the particular attorney who caused most of the problems. Very long story, but we knew we wouldn't be getting any support from them after the adoption as we had none during.)

I would take Carlos to a neuropsychologist to have him tested in all areas. It sounds...and I could be wrong...that perhaps you want desperately to feel that Carlos is a normal kid. I always got the feeling that you didn't want to know about possible organic issues (alcohol?) or the really severe possibilities.

(I do want him to live a normal life. I am a bit afraid of getting a serious diagnosis and being strong armed into heavy treatments I may not agree with.)

If so, I understand (truly), but I still think it's a good idea to go all out and see more than just the psychiatrist who isn't helping him. Neurological stuff could be going on. NeuroPsychs are psychologists with special training in the brain. They do 6-10 hour evaluations are are really good at pinpointing problems that others miss. All kinds of organic problems in the brain can cause a lack of remorse and, then again, he may have remorse and be unable to express it. He is very young but he needs intervention NOW.

(I'm not opposed to the evaluation at all, but what exactly are they looking for? I feel pretty certain about what we're dealing with, not because the psychiatrists say so, but because my gut says so.)

I probably wrote all this before, but I thought I'd give it another try. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Please see my responses in parentheses.
 

howlongto18

New Member
Feel free to post frequently as you sort through your concerns. The group is a welcoming group though often we don't exactly see things the same way.

I might suggest that you seem to be discounting the possibility that a full and wonderful life can be led by children who require medication. Of course we all wish that everything was perfect with-o medications but in my experience unmedicated youngsters who are shadowed by parents have far less of a chance to flourish than those who can mainstream with peers. We have raised a handsome, funny, gifted child with exceptional athletic abilities. We have watched him perform on stages, on basketball courts and in a World Series game. During all those happy times he was often one of just a few peers who took medication for Tourette's, ADHD, etc.. Their friends accepted them and did not discriminate.

on the other hand, I have an adult daughter who has a lonely son who spends his time "with Mom" or in his room. He requires three medications and when he is on them he is functional. She feels he is "fine" cloistered in a small family unit with-o medications.

I know it's not what you (or we) envisioned but the first five years of life determine so much of the future for children. Both of your children will feel the effects of the dysfunction....the easy child's just don't display their emotions until much after the fact because they want to protect their parents from stress and bring them joy and "pretent" all is well.

Good luck. DDD

Maybe I misunderstood what was being suggested. I DO accept that Carlos is different. I thought it was being implied that I needed to accept that his future wasn't going to be bright. Carlos has been medicated for years. Some times have been good, some bad. He has friend (though I'm not sure why sometimes, lol) and he fakes it pretty well outside our home. He does well at sports also. He's not great at picking up social cues.

It just seems like you all are saying I'm in denial about something, and I'm not sure what you mean.
 

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
Thanks everyone. I am familiar with the Holland thing... it's a favorite among adoption groups for people trying to come to terms with not having bio kids. The thing is I'm not sure what I'm coming to terms with. I'm stubborn and I don't want to settle for less than we can have. I feel like it's my job to fight for this kid at least until he's an adult and likely to my dying breath. I don't want to decide now that he's seven that he's never going to really live and experience depth and joy. I accept he's different. I accept that things are harder for us and always will be, but I don't accept defeat. If he gets to adulthood and destroys his life and chooses to pursue a terrible path, I think I can come to terms with that then, but while I'm responsible for him I don't think I can.

But, see...that's exactly the point of the Holland story. You are NOT "accepting defeat", as you put it...you are just taking a different path than you planned. You are just traveling the road that was not advertised in the brochure.

It also probably helps to stop thinking in terms of "never" and "always"...

Who knows how these kids will change as they grow? Who knows what kinds of medications will be developed and/or discoveries will be made?

Age seven is way too young to declare that he will "always" or "never" be anything.

Hang in there!

--DaisyFace
 

Wiped Out

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Chelsea,
Others have given great ideas, I, too, have dealt with physical violence by my son. I'm sorry you are dealing with the abuse. Sending gentle hugs your way.
 

timer lady

Queen of Hearts
Another adoptive mom chiming in - I agree with MWMs post.

Adoption/attachment issues should be considered. My difficult child son has no sense of guilt or doesn't get the consequences.

Saying that, you cannot hide or disagree with an illness. Would you do so for asthma, diabetes or epilepsy? Is this terrifying? It was to me & all of the parents here.

However, once you start accepting & putting interventions on board (i.e. therapy, medications, skills training, etc) you may start bit by bit feeling a better about your difficult child. Less terrified.

My difficult child daughter has taken seroquel for years & hasn't had serious issues physically. The mental/emotional are all about her illness.

Mental/emotional disorders are some of the hardest to deal with as there is no closure - physical things you get well, go into remission (or are stable) or you die. The types of things our kids deal with are life long. Now is the time to put interventions in place.

We weren't able to even touch the tweedle's issues until we got the stablized on medications. I didn't have the time to be devastated about this - it just is. Likely it's the same for your difficult child.

You have landed here in a safe place for parents; we will however point out some things you may not want to hear. We want what's best for your difficult child & your entire family.
 

TPaul

Idecor8
I loose my self in decorating, :). That is my passion. Every thing else fades from view when I emerse myself in what I am doing.

I also browse on ebay for things for my antique booths and things we need around the house.

Tpaul
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
Just want you to know that I wrote a fairly long "tongue in cheek" response to the basic question you posed "how do you calm down?" I
felt guilty that perhaps my posts didn't come accross as I intended them to and I didn't (and don't) want you to feel accused of anything.

Anyway.....my list of things I do or have done was enough to help me escape for a few minutes. Yes, the CD Board is the primary way many of us calm down. Much missed cigarettes really helped bring temporary sanity and My lifelong affection for Chivas Regal also helps.

That's how I calmed down after accidentally deleting the long post! ;)

With an extended hand of friendship, I'm glad you found us and I do hope you find the best and most experienced professionals to guide you down the quirky road you must travel. Hugs. DDD
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I dont know how to calm down...lol. Got no idea how I did it when the kids were young either. That time seems like a black hole.

That being said, my youngest (the real difficult child), was never really normal. We basically accepted it and tried not to look too far into his future. We hoped for the best. His teen years and very early 20's were awful. Now he seems to be turning the tide. I dont think he will ever have an easy life but it is his life and he is in charge of it. I used to think he would be either in prison for life or we would have to take care of him forever. Now I have more hope. I think he is going to make it.

He doesnt have the life I thought he would have when I held him for the first time as a baby but none of my kids do. Somehow, I dont think that happens for most kids. The all grow up to be their own person.
 

timer lady

Queen of Hearts
I forgot to tell you how I calm down.....a bit of ativan ;) plus working on my painting or playing piano.

It's taken years to just pull away from the chaos & spend "me" time. I love music & I love art.

Please forgive me as I came across as harsh - your situation with your difficult child sounds so similar.
 

tictoc

New Member
Hi,
I think you are being too hard on yourself, too. But, all of us are at time.

What is your sons's diagnosis? Does he have a diagnosis?

How do I calm down? I go to the gym 6 days a week. I just finished painting my bathroom, after a particularly bad week last week. I'm with T. Paul on the ebay suggestion. I browse for interesting jewelry and occasionally buy myself something. I hide in the laundry room and eat really good chocolate.

Good luck.
 
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