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How do you cope?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 703196" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Welcome to the forum, Concerned Mom and Dad, </p><p></p><p>I am so sorry for what you are going through, and we're glad you're here. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, that is good and especially the fact that he is willing to go to a therapist. My son's rapid descent (also had depression and anxiety) began after he graduated from h.s. In some ways I'm thankful for that, in other ways, he was considered an adult and it made everything much more frustrating for us. It was hard to help, hard to get information, hard to intervene due to his legal adult status and privacy laws. However, I think him being "of age" helped me as I started learning to detach (which took years of enabling first), because I could "rest in the knowledge" that he was considered an adult, even though his emotional maturity was about that of a 14 year old. Like SWOT always says---and this helped me---there are young men and women going to war at age 18. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Today, I want you to know that my Difficult Child has 2.5 years of steady, forward progress. He is now 27 years old. He works full time plus as an electrician, pays his own bills, was just evaluated at work as "outstanding," is sweet and kind and appreciative. </p><p></p><p>But we spent 6 years of pure H_ll with him--- acting awful, mean, hateful, stupid, self-destructive, stealing, lying, high and messed up and drunk, no responsibility for himself, homeless multiple times, in rehab multiple times, in jail multiple times, wouldn't listen or accept help or do anything positive to help himself. He knew it all. </p><p></p><p>Things can get really worse before they get better, even after you stop enabling and you create healthy boundaries and you start working on yourself. We never completely broke off communication but there were times I had to set really strong boundaries and only talk to him once a week on a specific day for 10 minutes. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I was very depressed myself for long periods of time.</p><p></p><p>Please know that we understand. We can only do the very best we can. When we learn differently and can be ready to change, we will do differently and we will change. We are only human. Also this: One wrong move (or 10) from you will not be "the fatal flaw" that sinks him. You and I aren't that powerful in their lives. We are very important and very influential, but there are many other influences that are greater. This is a key truth that took me a long time to grasp. After all, I am his mother who loves him more than anyone right?</p><p></p><p>We're here for you. Hugs this morning.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 703196, member: 17542"] Welcome to the forum, Concerned Mom and Dad, I am so sorry for what you are going through, and we're glad you're here. Yes, that is good and especially the fact that he is willing to go to a therapist. My son's rapid descent (also had depression and anxiety) began after he graduated from h.s. In some ways I'm thankful for that, in other ways, he was considered an adult and it made everything much more frustrating for us. It was hard to help, hard to get information, hard to intervene due to his legal adult status and privacy laws. However, I think him being "of age" helped me as I started learning to detach (which took years of enabling first), because I could "rest in the knowledge" that he was considered an adult, even though his emotional maturity was about that of a 14 year old. Like SWOT always says---and this helped me---there are young men and women going to war at age 18. Today, I want you to know that my Difficult Child has 2.5 years of steady, forward progress. He is now 27 years old. He works full time plus as an electrician, pays his own bills, was just evaluated at work as "outstanding," is sweet and kind and appreciative. But we spent 6 years of pure H_ll with him--- acting awful, mean, hateful, stupid, self-destructive, stealing, lying, high and messed up and drunk, no responsibility for himself, homeless multiple times, in rehab multiple times, in jail multiple times, wouldn't listen or accept help or do anything positive to help himself. He knew it all. Things can get really worse before they get better, even after you stop enabling and you create healthy boundaries and you start working on yourself. We never completely broke off communication but there were times I had to set really strong boundaries and only talk to him once a week on a specific day for 10 minutes. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I was very depressed myself for long periods of time. Please know that we understand. We can only do the very best we can. When we learn differently and can be ready to change, we will do differently and we will change. We are only human. Also this: One wrong move (or 10) from you will not be "the fatal flaw" that sinks him. You and I aren't that powerful in their lives. We are very important and very influential, but there are many other influences that are greater. This is a key truth that took me a long time to grasp. After all, I am his mother who loves him more than anyone right? We're here for you. Hugs this morning. [/QUOTE]
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