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How do you deal with your difficult child's insults, etc?
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 493690" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>I suppose what I mean by "consequences" is some action that you impose on a child. I am in favour of "restitution", this seems to me the most promising and realistic thing that can happen after something negative has been done; to make amends in some positive way. This does not seem to me like a "punishment". Getting irritated or disapproving with a child for some undesirable behaviour wasn't what I was meaning by a consequence but I quite understand why you call it one. From that point of view then, yes, that kind of consequence is inevitable... If J throws bath water out of the bath onto the floor, I'm not going to say in a sweet and even tone "Oh darling, please don't do that!" I'm going to say something in a cross tone of voice <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> This to me is human and normal - it means we are engaging in a real relationship, not a text-book mechanical exercise. And, yes, J has sometimes listened when I have been firmly cross... </p><p>I haven't really worked all this out into some exact science (but perhaps that much is clear <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />). I just see that J has a tendency to explosive anger and that, actually, so do I. What has been touching me off - though I am very much working on this now - is his verbal/physical aggressiveness. Habitually I will have an angry/punitive reaction, which locks us in an entirely negative cycle and is all about me and my reactions, not about him and his needs as a child. I am getting calmer when I deal with him, cutting off from taking his anger personally, not buying into it, as it were... This needs to happen because his anger is actually explosive and could lead somewhere dangerous one day. I do feel and know that. </p><p>I suppose what I am trying to say in this rather muddled way is that punishment is actually more about the emotional need of the adult to exact revenge in some way. Consequences would be more mature and more altruistic in my book and philosophically I have no problem with them, except that they do not work with J in the sense that trying to enforce them just leads to nightmarish meltdowns each time. Life involves consequences... he knows that already. Everyone does. I don't think that my not working that way with him will mean he doesn't understand that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 493690, member: 11227"] I suppose what I mean by "consequences" is some action that you impose on a child. I am in favour of "restitution", this seems to me the most promising and realistic thing that can happen after something negative has been done; to make amends in some positive way. This does not seem to me like a "punishment". Getting irritated or disapproving with a child for some undesirable behaviour wasn't what I was meaning by a consequence but I quite understand why you call it one. From that point of view then, yes, that kind of consequence is inevitable... If J throws bath water out of the bath onto the floor, I'm not going to say in a sweet and even tone "Oh darling, please don't do that!" I'm going to say something in a cross tone of voice :) This to me is human and normal - it means we are engaging in a real relationship, not a text-book mechanical exercise. And, yes, J has sometimes listened when I have been firmly cross... I haven't really worked all this out into some exact science (but perhaps that much is clear :)). I just see that J has a tendency to explosive anger and that, actually, so do I. What has been touching me off - though I am very much working on this now - is his verbal/physical aggressiveness. Habitually I will have an angry/punitive reaction, which locks us in an entirely negative cycle and is all about me and my reactions, not about him and his needs as a child. I am getting calmer when I deal with him, cutting off from taking his anger personally, not buying into it, as it were... This needs to happen because his anger is actually explosive and could lead somewhere dangerous one day. I do feel and know that. I suppose what I am trying to say in this rather muddled way is that punishment is actually more about the emotional need of the adult to exact revenge in some way. Consequences would be more mature and more altruistic in my book and philosophically I have no problem with them, except that they do not work with J in the sense that trying to enforce them just leads to nightmarish meltdowns each time. Life involves consequences... he knows that already. Everyone does. I don't think that my not working that way with him will mean he doesn't understand that. [/QUOTE]
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