How do you defuse meltdown towards friends?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lovelyboy, Jun 28, 2011.

  1. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Ok....I feel bad asking advice again!!!! But you helped me so nicely with the scatebaord park incident that I just had to come and ask advice again! Sorry...

    My son had 2 friends here, playing playstation together...So the one child called me and says that my son was 'bullying' him by shooting with his index finger against his cheek all the time. My son said it's not true...that his friend was doing this with him all the time. So I tried to tell them in a joking way to try and play nice. This friend then said to my son that I'm being mean! This set my son of and he started screaming to his friend that he will kill him...his eyes spitting fire!

    At this point (and I think this is where I went wrong?) I asked the 2 friends to leave because my son is not being polite towards them....as they stood up to leave my son started becoming verbally abusive towards me and physickly pushing me away from the door preventing me to let his friends go home. He had a meltdown and ran into the room and asked if he could talk to me and begged me to let them stay. I said that if he apologise they can stay...he was crying and said he can't, he was to embarresed.

    Ok...the one friend had to leave anyway and the other one stayed to play...I apologised on behalve of my son, because pushing this would have created another meltdown.....

    I suggested to my son that he must come and call me next time he feels that he is becoming to aggitated and frustrated, so that I can come and help prevent such an insident...I know I need to teach him skills to handle it himself but I don't know what/how?

    Any advice?
     
  2. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    I've had to handel a very similar situation just to weekends ago. difficult child had a friend for a sleep over and after the second day, he was becoming very overwelmed by it. He started gearing bad attention toward his friend who was becoming increasingly annoyed. I suggested to difficult child to go to his cool down spot, to take a moment to relax and breath. Well, he is still learning the cool down spot technique so he still had a meltdown. But what the therapist told me is to keep teaching him to recognize when he gets in that mood and keep offering the cool down spot. It might be some to try with your son. And, as the mother, you can explain to the friends that difficult child will take a few minutes to himself and come back soon (I don't believe there is a need to explain in details). Just yesterday, he was able to use the cool down spot and avoid a meltdown. Give it a shot! And don't make that a punishment or time out. He goes and leaves to cool down spot as he wants.
     
  3. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Thanx...I was also thinking of him rather leaving the room, but he will have to practice this, because when he's to far into the emotions...he can't think rasional! Regarding the sleepover...Goodness, luckily I trusted my instinct when he first wanted to do the sleep-over thing...It was with 2 other friends, so I organised to fetch him in the early evening...Shoo....when I got there it was terrible, he was trying to keep it together with everything he got...but argumenting, isolation, ect already started to kick in (I was actually very upset because the mom didn't call me earlier to let me know to rather come and fetch him...she's one of the best SI therapist in our country!). From the moment he got in the car he started crying...he was in total overload...I felt so sad for him...In the future we rather do the sleepover at our house!
     
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Actually, I think you handled this as well as you could.

    What happens especially when the boys are younger, is they get caught up in the adrenalin of the game and get out of hand in other ways. Especially if one or more of the boys are also a bit socially inept.

    Your son may well have been right, the other boy being the culprit. It sounds like they were both behaving badly. As for the other boy calling you mean - sounds like guilty conscience to me. It's nice that your son defended you; a shame he felt he needed to. And I think that is what you work on with him, in the in between times when the other boys are not there. Or even if they are - just say to your son, "I am here, I have broad shoulders. Visitor boy, if you think I am mean, you come tell me to my face. Don't say things like that behind anyone's back. Tell me why you feel I am being mean and let's discuss it. And son - I am a big girl, I can fight my own battles. Let me defend myself, and let's do it politely and without making threats."

    Rather than sending the other boys home, telling them that it's tim to stop playing video games and to instead go outside with a ball, can work. What they need, and what video games can give them, is structure. So if you send them out to play, be prepared to go out with them and organise a game of baseball or similar. You don't have to actually play, just organise them. "OK boys, the goal posts are here. You're each on your own team, you have to get the ball and dribble it through the goal posts. I'm the ref, I'll keep score for you."

    Three kids playing together can be a problem. Try to keep the numbers lower in future - two at a time only. Failing that, you stay in the room with them and supervise. Even if all you're doing is your knitting, if you're there they will behave better.

    And that boy who called you mean - watch him in future. He sounds like a sneaky troublemaker who was pushing your son's buttons. Another difficult child kid but one perhaps not identified or well-managed at home. Just watch and observe, in case it was just an isolated incident.

    Marg
     
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