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<blockquote data-quote="dreamer" data-source="post: 41022" data-attributes="member: 1697"><p>I know I do not have any answers. I meltdown myself, too.........and while I try to stay calm, I do not always succeed, but I remind myself that my difficult child also TRIES to do what is right,. just as I do, and sometimes she succeeds and soemtimes she doesn't, just like me. </p><p></p><p>Becuz of how ill my husband is, I have often controlled our environment in our home. _Especially after "I" got ill myself and could no longer take care of my own self alone. For awhile I ran the house by my manipulating the environment and avoiding triggers and all sorts of little ways some might disagree with. But it worked for me-us at the time and much of it I simply carried over once I began to get some better. </p><p></p><p>I decided it did not matter if something was exactly "fair" ------even to myself- if it kept things from exploding, it would work for me. WHen things in my house would escalate, it would feed my husband and then my oldest difficult child and then me and then it would also affect my easy child and my lil dude. - and THAT would be most unfair of all---------to have the whole family affected like that--------- often in many ways......could have been by psychiatric hospital stays (that never did any good here) or police involvement (which would strain things even more) or who knows what. </p><p>So, I worked hard to do what I could to avoid meltdowns, anxiety attacks, or worked to reduce them........</p><p></p><p>I realized a few years ago things I thought were so important often were not..and behaviors I thought difficult others might not even notice. </p><p></p><p>As for schoolwork? My oldest was difficult and she was a perfectionist. BUT that meant if she was not positive something would turn out perfect, she could not even start it. &lt;sigh&gt; I also learned she had zero organizational skills. So, I had to work side by side with her, sit beside her literally while we practiced with her work. I would call school, get her assignments, and then I would supervise them word for word......making sure she did write the assignment into her daily homework assignment notebook and then worked with her daily, me right there next to her, making sure she brought home from school anything she needed to DO those assignments. That way I knew whether or not she COULD do it, and I also knew EXACTLY what her assignments were. Then I also checked for myself item by item using the homework assignment notebook to make sure she really had done each, and I worked with her me right at her side, while she learned how to put her homework into her folders so as to be able to find it to turn it in next day. I also signed my signature on her assignment notebook and each page of homework to show I knew it had been done..........and if something was missing, to let me know so I could handle it at home. We made this our habit and routine so my daughter could develop this skill. SOme kids learn it on their own, some need more time and help. By doing this, I knew when she had the skill to do so.and I also knew step by step, day by day exactl;y what was done and what wasn't- so it avoided any ugly surprises for me to find out about and for me to be upset over all at once. It allowed me to dole out punishments, rewards etc and to know if-when I needed to intervene and work with my difficult child to head off larger blowups or incidents. It5 kept things at a baby step level, so we could work on other issues at the same ti me (like social skills, or hygeine grooming skills) as well, so we could keep a steady well rounded pace of learning going. Seems when one thing blows up, it interferes with other parts of life. Avoiding huge blow ups helps us all sleep better at nite, which helps promote stability. It helps us avoid major huge "punishments" that interfere with having a nice blend of work/pleasure.....</p><p></p><p>SO, with 3 kids, it keeps me busy, working to keep incidents on a smaller scale........but what I have found is while it may sound like it is a lot on my plate keeping up this way...in the long run, it gives back to me a gentler quieter life. </p><p></p><p>I do lots of little things to help me accomplish this. I turn off the phones at dinner and a certain time at nite (once all my kids are home) when I make dinner, I make sure there is one thing each person WILL eat and like........I use caller ID and do not answer most calls the first time, I usually let caller ID tell me who is calling, then I listen to voicemail, listen to what is going on, process it and then return calls. I control the stimulus in our home......and I seperate people who are arguing. As soon as voices raise at all, I send the persons involved to seperate rooms. Very little besides escalation is ever going to happen when people are yelling at each other, so I simply do not tolerate yelling at all. and if it is my husband who is yelling- I take his keys and hand them to him and send him to sleep in the tent or in the basement.......If it is me yelling, I take myself into bathroom to a hot bath. LOL, I tend to use bathtub for both punishment and reward a LOT. ANd I have done so since my first child was born. We have a saying at our house- a bath cures most things. It can calm a person down, - it can relax someone who does not feel well, and it sure can feel nice anc cozy when you have had a good day. Or a crummy day. Just becuz you get sent to the tub does not mean you must wash, nor does it mean you must bathe. You can shower. and you can just lay in there and soak and even read. ANd I have found it is cheaper than a hotel. LOL.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dreamer, post: 41022, member: 1697"] I know I do not have any answers. I meltdown myself, too.........and while I try to stay calm, I do not always succeed, but I remind myself that my difficult child also TRIES to do what is right,. just as I do, and sometimes she succeeds and soemtimes she doesn't, just like me. Becuz of how ill my husband is, I have often controlled our environment in our home. _Especially after "I" got ill myself and could no longer take care of my own self alone. For awhile I ran the house by my manipulating the environment and avoiding triggers and all sorts of little ways some might disagree with. But it worked for me-us at the time and much of it I simply carried over once I began to get some better. I decided it did not matter if something was exactly "fair" ------even to myself- if it kept things from exploding, it would work for me. WHen things in my house would escalate, it would feed my husband and then my oldest difficult child and then me and then it would also affect my easy child and my lil dude. - and THAT would be most unfair of all---------to have the whole family affected like that--------- often in many ways......could have been by psychiatric hospital stays (that never did any good here) or police involvement (which would strain things even more) or who knows what. So, I worked hard to do what I could to avoid meltdowns, anxiety attacks, or worked to reduce them........ I realized a few years ago things I thought were so important often were not..and behaviors I thought difficult others might not even notice. As for schoolwork? My oldest was difficult and she was a perfectionist. BUT that meant if she was not positive something would turn out perfect, she could not even start it. <sigh> I also learned she had zero organizational skills. So, I had to work side by side with her, sit beside her literally while we practiced with her work. I would call school, get her assignments, and then I would supervise them word for word......making sure she did write the assignment into her daily homework assignment notebook and then worked with her daily, me right there next to her, making sure she brought home from school anything she needed to DO those assignments. That way I knew whether or not she COULD do it, and I also knew EXACTLY what her assignments were. Then I also checked for myself item by item using the homework assignment notebook to make sure she really had done each, and I worked with her me right at her side, while she learned how to put her homework into her folders so as to be able to find it to turn it in next day. I also signed my signature on her assignment notebook and each page of homework to show I knew it had been done..........and if something was missing, to let me know so I could handle it at home. We made this our habit and routine so my daughter could develop this skill. SOme kids learn it on their own, some need more time and help. By doing this, I knew when she had the skill to do so.and I also knew step by step, day by day exactl;y what was done and what wasn't- so it avoided any ugly surprises for me to find out about and for me to be upset over all at once. It allowed me to dole out punishments, rewards etc and to know if-when I needed to intervene and work with my difficult child to head off larger blowups or incidents. It5 kept things at a baby step level, so we could work on other issues at the same ti me (like social skills, or hygeine grooming skills) as well, so we could keep a steady well rounded pace of learning going. Seems when one thing blows up, it interferes with other parts of life. Avoiding huge blow ups helps us all sleep better at nite, which helps promote stability. It helps us avoid major huge "punishments" that interfere with having a nice blend of work/pleasure..... SO, with 3 kids, it keeps me busy, working to keep incidents on a smaller scale........but what I have found is while it may sound like it is a lot on my plate keeping up this way...in the long run, it gives back to me a gentler quieter life. I do lots of little things to help me accomplish this. I turn off the phones at dinner and a certain time at nite (once all my kids are home) when I make dinner, I make sure there is one thing each person WILL eat and like........I use caller ID and do not answer most calls the first time, I usually let caller ID tell me who is calling, then I listen to voicemail, listen to what is going on, process it and then return calls. I control the stimulus in our home......and I seperate people who are arguing. As soon as voices raise at all, I send the persons involved to seperate rooms. Very little besides escalation is ever going to happen when people are yelling at each other, so I simply do not tolerate yelling at all. and if it is my husband who is yelling- I take his keys and hand them to him and send him to sleep in the tent or in the basement.......If it is me yelling, I take myself into bathroom to a hot bath. LOL, I tend to use bathtub for both punishment and reward a LOT. ANd I have done so since my first child was born. We have a saying at our house- a bath cures most things. It can calm a person down, - it can relax someone who does not feel well, and it sure can feel nice anc cozy when you have had a good day. Or a crummy day. Just becuz you get sent to the tub does not mean you must wash, nor does it mean you must bathe. You can shower. and you can just lay in there and soak and even read. ANd I have found it is cheaper than a hotel. LOL. [/QUOTE]
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