how do you do it?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kjs, Aug 25, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    How do you detach? From any kid?

    When easy child comes home and goes out with his friends he always would walk home, or if I was up (because work hours) he would sometimes call for me to pick him up when he went out. Now that he has a girlfriend, I see his car home in the mornings. Tonight (i am working) just noticed he sent me a text msg. asking how late i would be up. Must not know I had to work. Next I had a missed call at 2:50am. So..I know he was drinking and needed a ride. Seeing that he has a girlfriend now, he doesn't walk home anymore. He always tells me one of them didn't drink.
    I sure hope he didn't drive. I am having panic attacks now praying he didn't drive and he is safe.

    I KNOW he needs to be responsible and HE needs to make the right decisions. on the other hand - When I am up, I don'thave a problem picking him up.
     
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    He is problem sleeping it off. he is 24 and time to let down some of your guard. he has to learn to live as if you were dead, one day you will not be there for him. it teaches him to seek other resources out.
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I also do alot of thinking of what would they do if I wasn't around. Puts things into perspective.

    He knows he shouldn't drink and drive. Let him handle it. He is the one putting himself into the situation.

    Hugs
     
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Kjs, there really isn't anything you can do at this point. He's 24. I'm sure you've given him all of the lectures. He knows the "right" thing to do. You just have to hold your breath that the lessons have taken and that he will do the right thing.

    I know it's hard.

    Suz
     
  5. Jen

    Jen New Member

    my girlfriend and I were talking on the phone last night about how much more we know aobut our children, adn intuned then our parents were with us, once we were 21. I think they came to the realization with even their infamous expereince of being our age once that we wouldnt listen, anymore then we should expect our children to listen.

    I have decided I can really drive myself crazy if I think of all the negative things that can happen too them, rather then looking at it is they nmust expereince to grow, whether it is good for them, or safe for them. Doesnt mean we cant give our 2 cents worth, but accept it as just that. Pray too , I am finding to be important, you know like our parents would seay they would do when we were in our 20's and we would look at them as wierd...came full circle on that one.


    Jen
     
  6. Skylark Matrix

    Skylark Matrix New Member

    Surprisingly I do have an answer for the drinking/coming home question. I had a few sessions with a therapist last winter - re our difficult child.... He told me that since we do not drink in our house it was perfectly fine for me to tell her that if she chose to go out drinking that she was not allowed to come home until it was all over. That is what he did with his children. Can you imagine, a psycholigist at Masters level adopted 3 difficult child's with cognitive and multiple other disablities? You'd think he would have known better! I know that sounds terribly harsh of me, but honestly, when you know the outcome so well why would you do that?
     
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    One thing that I have found quite interesting. Now maybe it is because my middle son has not given me quite the same amount of trouble as Cory...or maybe it is because he lives 5 hours away from me, but I can distance myself from him quite well in what I consider a completely healthy manner.

    If he is entering the hospital for some major test...I worry from home, if has a baby...Im there with bells on!

    Jamie was no angel when he was in the Marines. They are hard drinking guys and I know he did his fair share of partying. I have the pictures. Heck...I went to one of the parties at his apartment! I never sat at home and worried myself silly over what was going on with him because it was his life, he knew the risks, for most of his time in the Marines he was underage to drink anyway, he was a MP to boot, and if he got caught, bust or anything else...it wasnt my rearend on the line...it was his. Obviously he was smart enough to always CYA and they got each other home in one piece.

    I also tended not to worry as much about Cory when he was out of town because he was out of sight, out of mind. Its far easier I think.
     
  8. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    We all know it's hard for our mommy hearts to let go.

    But...the realization is, you were responsible for him until he was 18. From 18-22, the supposedly college age years, you might have been used for guidance. After age 22 though, unless he has mental/cognitive deficiencies, any additional "helping/enabling" is actually hurting his development and progression into adulthood.

    in my humble opinion, If easy child lives at home, consider him a rentor. Collect whatever $$ you charge, hold it for him or use it for whatever, but detach and allow easy child to make all the choices on his own. His choices will come with his own actions/consequences.
     
  9. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I agree. I can see my son maybe trying to do something with his life now that he doesnt live at home. I think he finally has a chance to do it his way instead of ours and not feel bad about it because it is on him. Does that make sense? So far - nothing bad has happened. They are kinda living in a dumpy house - i would not live in - my son was not brought up in anything like that but I will not say anything bad about it - i am here and he knows it and i love him but i cannot enable him anymore - i still need you guys though - it might change any minute! :smile:
     
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