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General Parenting
How do you get extended family to back off?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 423253" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You need boundaries made clear. if they cannot accept those boundaries, I can't see any other option but moving. The alternative - compromise. </p><p></p><p>You are a tenant, they "own" the place and therefore you. They need to know that while you love them as family, you are the parent here and in your space, your rules prevail. You understand that they were trying to help, but the reality is, their input was decidedly UNhelpful and difficult child actually acted with maturity in removing himself from the interaction.</p><p></p><p>He's a kid. His uncle and grandfather should learn that adults who bully children, even in role-play fashion, are not achieving anything positive. If tey had set it up clearly from the beginning with "You need to practice staying in control for tomorrow" then it might be a little different; they still should have backed off when difficult child was becoming genuinely distressed. It's like teaching a kid to swim - you can throw the kid in the deep end of the pool and verbally abuse him while he drowns, or you can get in the water with him, show him how to move his arms and help him hold his head above water as he practices the new skills you are demonstrating.</p><p>The first method will (if the kid survives) produce a kid who is scared of the water and may never learn to swim. The second method could produce an Olympic athlete. At the very least, it will produce a kid who can save himself if he falls in.</p><p></p><p>I'm betting your father and brother thought they were teaching your son by role-play. But use the swimming analogy. The court system is NOT like they described and trying to push him like this is not likely to reduce his anxiety to a functioning level. The purpose of court is to determine what level of crime was committed and what the consequences should be, if any. The purpose of court is NOT to terrorise the defendant. Innocent until proven guilty. If the defendant goes in already terrified, it is LESS likely to be a useful experience in terms of preventing a recurrence.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 423253, member: 1991"] You need boundaries made clear. if they cannot accept those boundaries, I can't see any other option but moving. The alternative - compromise. You are a tenant, they "own" the place and therefore you. They need to know that while you love them as family, you are the parent here and in your space, your rules prevail. You understand that they were trying to help, but the reality is, their input was decidedly UNhelpful and difficult child actually acted with maturity in removing himself from the interaction. He's a kid. His uncle and grandfather should learn that adults who bully children, even in role-play fashion, are not achieving anything positive. If tey had set it up clearly from the beginning with "You need to practice staying in control for tomorrow" then it might be a little different; they still should have backed off when difficult child was becoming genuinely distressed. It's like teaching a kid to swim - you can throw the kid in the deep end of the pool and verbally abuse him while he drowns, or you can get in the water with him, show him how to move his arms and help him hold his head above water as he practices the new skills you are demonstrating. The first method will (if the kid survives) produce a kid who is scared of the water and may never learn to swim. The second method could produce an Olympic athlete. At the very least, it will produce a kid who can save himself if he falls in. I'm betting your father and brother thought they were teaching your son by role-play. But use the swimming analogy. The court system is NOT like they described and trying to push him like this is not likely to reduce his anxiety to a functioning level. The purpose of court is to determine what level of crime was committed and what the consequences should be, if any. The purpose of court is NOT to terrorise the defendant. Innocent until proven guilty. If the defendant goes in already terrified, it is LESS likely to be a useful experience in terms of preventing a recurrence. Marg [/QUOTE]
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