MWM,
I just had this conversation with my husband last night, regarding my own mother, an extremely toxic individual. This is a bit long, I apologize, but there is a point at the end of it, I promise.
Six years ago she was diagnosed suddenly with a brain tumor (lung cancer that metasticized to her brain) and had emergency surgery. A month later she had a lobectomy to take the original tumor out of her lung. She wound up with stroke-like weakness on one side of her body because she let the symptoms of the brain tumor go on for months without going to a doctor about it.
When all was said and done after the two surgeries, the goal was to get her into a top rated intensive rehab so that she could work on her muscle strength for her weakened side...or so I thought until the day before the move was to have taken place, and she bailed. I was in charge of setting up doctors, appointments, soup to nuts.
Told me outright that I wanted to "stick her in there and throw away the key," and instead opted for outpatient therapy against the advice of docs. Tried, rather successfully I might add, to turn my siblings against me in my effort to get my mother into the rehab. It shouldn't have surprised me though, for years this had been her MO.
Background: Mom raised my siblings in dysfunctional lunacy with my now deceased father (she's BiPolar (BP)/narcissistic I believe, he was just an outright whacked, violent alcoholic.) Anyone in control of their life, someone that did not "need" her, she viewed as a threat.
I was the first born when she got knocked up by my father at 19 in college. She dropped out, had me, they divorced six months later because he beat her and she emasculated him, then 10 years later refound each other and remarried again, and had four more kids. Twelve years later, after massive physical and emotional violence against each other (they were lifers), and the kids, they divorced again. I came back home in 1990 to help my mother with the sibs.
Flash forward to 2007, and after 6 years of her doing it her way and me stepping back (really running away) from the various lunacy that has ensued as her health continued to deteriorate (she can't even use the bathroom by herself) due to neglect at the hands of my siblings and self-neglect by her, guess who suddenly wants my help now??
And me, the idiot, :hammer: helped. I took her to a doctor's appointment two days ago, and it was back to the negative comments, the putdowns, the subtle jabs (where thank you really means f&^k you :crazy: )
My husband put it clearly to me last night while I was telling him about the latest onslaught in tears--even if I wound up getting my mother the rehab she needs now so that she looked like a movie star and ran marathons, she will never, ever credit me for doing anything positive in her life.
It will instead be "Thank God for your brother xxxxx," (the loser one who defaulted on his college loans and made my virtually penniless mother pay them) or "I couldn't have done it without your sister yyyyy." (who ignored her in her wheelchair while she froze at sis' outdoor wedding but plays the victim-child of a sick mother routine pretty well for those who don't know her personally)
That I basically am the living, breathing version of Charlie Brown getting ready to kick the ball from Lucy, and that no matter how many times I head for the ball, my foot will never see it through the goal posts. To think that will change is lunacy itself.
I've had to forgive my mother over and over again. For the last six years by basically ignoring her. But after one weekend visit in which she was on her best behavior two weeks ago, it's back to same old same old behavior that I know and despise.
It sounds to me like your mother was very bitter because you would not do what she said, and then withheld affection because you refused to do what she wanted you to. been there done that :rolleyes: And because your sibs were perhaps more interested in staying in line with your mom for whatever their reasons were (for mine it is clearly $$$) they were not willing to upset the apple cart.
But you alone did what no one else in your family had the nerve to do. You stood up to her instead. And they all know you did and that you stood up for them too when need be.
So in order to forgive yourself I think you need to remember in your heart that you were the brave one when you didn't have to be, and your mother knew that too and sounds like she was mighty po'd that you dared to look behind the curtain and question the Mighty Oz--oh well, some folks would be happy to have raised independent thinkers that stood up for what they believed in.
And while she still stuck it to you from beyond the grave re the will (been there done that too re my Dad--oh well, wouldn't want his blood money anyway) bottom line was you refused to cave when you both were on terra firma.
And re your siblings, well, mine are cowards and weasels :rofl: that would sell their mother in a heartbeat if they thought they could make a buck out of it. And whether they like me (doubtful) or not, they know I can't be bought or sold, but they can be, and they know that I know that too. :smile:
Many hugs to letting go of the injustice of it all and celebrate the strength that you showed when you could have just taken the easy way out.
