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How do you help a fatherless child?
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<blockquote data-quote="Shari" data-source="post: 209498" data-attributes="member: 1848"><p>You know, when it became clear that both my difficult child's would grow up basically without their father, I spent a lot of time thinking about this.</p><p> ***</p><p>I looked at kids who grew up without dad's immediately present - what did they have that made it work? What did their families do that made it work? My ex-mother in law had the insight to ask me to include not just dad's lost in divorce, but dad's that were away for work, away in the military, even some who's dads had passed away. </p><p> ***</p><p>The biggest thing I saw that was different between those families and the ones where dad was just "gone" was that "dad" didn't equal "negative"; "dad" wasn't taboo in that family, he was talked about by everyone even tho he was not present, and it was his good qualities that were discussed.</p><p>***</p><p>So when DEX packed his bags and walked away, I tried to approach it more like I would have if he'd passed away. We didn't take down family photos with him in them, I would bring up (and still do) and occassional positive thing I've heard about him thru the grapevine, just as I might a friend or co-worker, and I try to keep what interactions the boys do have with him (which are very minimal) in as positive a light from my perspective as possible. </p><p>***</p><p>difficult child 2 is too little to ask much, but when difficult child 1 got older and asked, or talks about his dad now, I try to stick to telling him dad's sick, but he loves you the only way he knows how; he's doing the best he can; your job is to grow up and do the best you can, too, and hopefully, your best is better.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Shari, post: 209498, member: 1848"] You know, when it became clear that both my difficult child's would grow up basically without their father, I spent a lot of time thinking about this. *** I looked at kids who grew up without dad's immediately present - what did they have that made it work? What did their families do that made it work? My ex-mother in law had the insight to ask me to include not just dad's lost in divorce, but dad's that were away for work, away in the military, even some who's dads had passed away. *** The biggest thing I saw that was different between those families and the ones where dad was just "gone" was that "dad" didn't equal "negative"; "dad" wasn't taboo in that family, he was talked about by everyone even tho he was not present, and it was his good qualities that were discussed. *** So when DEX packed his bags and walked away, I tried to approach it more like I would have if he'd passed away. We didn't take down family photos with him in them, I would bring up (and still do) and occassional positive thing I've heard about him thru the grapevine, just as I might a friend or co-worker, and I try to keep what interactions the boys do have with him (which are very minimal) in as positive a light from my perspective as possible. *** difficult child 2 is too little to ask much, but when difficult child 1 got older and asked, or talks about his dad now, I try to stick to telling him dad's sick, but he loves you the only way he knows how; he's doing the best he can; your job is to grow up and do the best you can, too, and hopefully, your best is better. [/QUOTE]
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