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How do you "just say no" (to your church)?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 144718" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Tina, </p><p> </p><p>You know - before I had therapy I used to have the most HORRIBLE time saying no. When it was finally pointed out to me that my ability to say no, led me to get hooked into doing things I did not want to really do. That in turn caused me stress. </p><p> </p><p>I love it when aggressive people like telemarketers are put in positions of power in the church to force less aggressive people into doing things they really don't want to do. In my opinion that is poor leadership. If she were selling homes - that attitude would be fine. She's not - she's ASKING for volunteers and NO ONE ELSE opened their mouth. At that point she should have said something to the effect of - "Well if this isn't your cup of tea, lets think about something that we could have you do that you would enjoy." Instead a man butts in and makes his presence known and now you are stuck. </p><p> </p><p>My advice at this point since you are of a timid nature would be to confront her about this. And maybe you can practice saying this to the mirror the dog - someone to hear what you sound like saying it aloud. </p><p> </p><p>T - Ms. X may I speak with you about something ? </p><p>X- Sure T, what is it? </p><p>T - I appreciate you inviting me to that meeting the other night, but I felt like I was pushed into doing the (this and that), and I'm not comfortable with (this and that)</p><p>X-I did not know you were uncomfortable, sorry</p><p>T - Well Due to time constraints and scheduling, raising a child I am not going to be able to give 110&#37; to that project, but would be able to (Insert here what you could do to help) if the need arose. I only have (really 5 or 6 but cut that in half) 2-3 hours a week free time for me and I would gladly give that up for my church. Can you find me a task more suited to my schedule? </p><p>X-I'll see what I can do. </p><p>T - Okay - thanks. </p><p> </p><p>AND DO NOT APOLOGIZE - she pushed you into it, you felt compelled to do it, and now you are offering your time....and talents. </p><p>In essence - you backed out of it with a valid reason - you have no time</p><p>You agreed to do SOMETHING that you were suited to that makes you happy to do</p><p>You agreed to give your TIME to the church - which also makes you happy</p><p> </p><p>Don't write a letter, don't go into how you don't want to do this or that - just follow the script, practice it and go for it. </p><p> </p><p>The next time you are involved in a meeting and someone volunteers you for something - Speak up - and say "I'm not able to do that due to my schedule," then turn to the person that volunteered you and say "I appreciate the compliment - you must really think I'm organized to volunteer me for extra work with my schedule - why don't YOU do it?" </p><p>Then get up and excuse yourself - </p><p> </p><p>Saying no - does not come naturally to most personality types - it takes work - you can research it on the web - Type in HOW TO SAY NO on google - or talk to a therapist about it. </p><p> </p><p>I'm a LOT happier and a lot less stressed out - by saying no. </p><p> </p><p>Just this past week - I said no to a pit bull puppy, a ferret, and a new baby rat. Normally I am weak about orphans - then I think what time will all that take up of mine for doing things I want to do? </p><p> </p><p>Pretty much stops me cold. Even if what I want to do is NOTHING. And as far as the nursery - I did an entire schedule for our church nursery. Seems everyone was volunteering BUT the mothers dropping the children off - so I put up a schedule for my girlfriend who ran the day care- each mother of a child volunteering 2 Sundays a month. If there was more participation for the FREE DAYCARE - then it went to 1 Sunday a month - but we finally were able to convince the pastor into telling people if you have a child in day care - you WILL volunteer in the nursery a minimum of 1 Sunday. Now instead of a few women who don't even have children complaining about it - EVERYONE knows if they drop off 1 kid - it's 1 volunteer day, 2 kids - 2 volunteer days. Whether it was Sunday or Wed. We had parents scheduled to do volunteering nursery duty. </p><p>I have no little ones - and my son sat with me in church when we got to go - so I didn't care to hear anyone who got 3 weeks of free Sunday daycare - complain about pitching in for 1 measly Sunday. Some wanted to go to Sunday School and not chapel - fine. Others got there for Sunday School day care and left for chappel. After all - someone was watching YOUR child, it was after all very fair. Some parents started to bring their children (newborns) into the chappel, but we record for shut ins, so if the baby gets fussy they have to leave immediately - and most will head to the nursery, sign up and ask if they can leave the baby for the duration. It's worked very well with people who count and oversee that things are FAIR. (wink wink) </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 144718, member: 4964"] Tina, You know - before I had therapy I used to have the most HORRIBLE time saying no. When it was finally pointed out to me that my ability to say no, led me to get hooked into doing things I did not want to really do. That in turn caused me stress. I love it when aggressive people like telemarketers are put in positions of power in the church to force less aggressive people into doing things they really don't want to do. In my opinion that is poor leadership. If she were selling homes - that attitude would be fine. She's not - she's ASKING for volunteers and NO ONE ELSE opened their mouth. At that point she should have said something to the effect of - "Well if this isn't your cup of tea, lets think about something that we could have you do that you would enjoy." Instead a man butts in and makes his presence known and now you are stuck. My advice at this point since you are of a timid nature would be to confront her about this. And maybe you can practice saying this to the mirror the dog - someone to hear what you sound like saying it aloud. T - Ms. X may I speak with you about something ? X- Sure T, what is it? T - I appreciate you inviting me to that meeting the other night, but I felt like I was pushed into doing the (this and that), and I'm not comfortable with (this and that) X-I did not know you were uncomfortable, sorry T - Well Due to time constraints and scheduling, raising a child I am not going to be able to give 110% to that project, but would be able to (Insert here what you could do to help) if the need arose. I only have (really 5 or 6 but cut that in half) 2-3 hours a week free time for me and I would gladly give that up for my church. Can you find me a task more suited to my schedule? X-I'll see what I can do. T - Okay - thanks. AND DO NOT APOLOGIZE - she pushed you into it, you felt compelled to do it, and now you are offering your time....and talents. In essence - you backed out of it with a valid reason - you have no time You agreed to do SOMETHING that you were suited to that makes you happy to do You agreed to give your TIME to the church - which also makes you happy Don't write a letter, don't go into how you don't want to do this or that - just follow the script, practice it and go for it. The next time you are involved in a meeting and someone volunteers you for something - Speak up - and say "I'm not able to do that due to my schedule," then turn to the person that volunteered you and say "I appreciate the compliment - you must really think I'm organized to volunteer me for extra work with my schedule - why don't YOU do it?" Then get up and excuse yourself - Saying no - does not come naturally to most personality types - it takes work - you can research it on the web - Type in HOW TO SAY NO on google - or talk to a therapist about it. I'm a LOT happier and a lot less stressed out - by saying no. Just this past week - I said no to a pit bull puppy, a ferret, and a new baby rat. Normally I am weak about orphans - then I think what time will all that take up of mine for doing things I want to do? Pretty much stops me cold. Even if what I want to do is NOTHING. And as far as the nursery - I did an entire schedule for our church nursery. Seems everyone was volunteering BUT the mothers dropping the children off - so I put up a schedule for my girlfriend who ran the day care- each mother of a child volunteering 2 Sundays a month. If there was more participation for the FREE DAYCARE - then it went to 1 Sunday a month - but we finally were able to convince the pastor into telling people if you have a child in day care - you WILL volunteer in the nursery a minimum of 1 Sunday. Now instead of a few women who don't even have children complaining about it - EVERYONE knows if they drop off 1 kid - it's 1 volunteer day, 2 kids - 2 volunteer days. Whether it was Sunday or Wed. We had parents scheduled to do volunteering nursery duty. I have no little ones - and my son sat with me in church when we got to go - so I didn't care to hear anyone who got 3 weeks of free Sunday daycare - complain about pitching in for 1 measly Sunday. Some wanted to go to Sunday School and not chapel - fine. Others got there for Sunday School day care and left for chappel. After all - someone was watching YOUR child, it was after all very fair. Some parents started to bring their children (newborns) into the chappel, but we record for shut ins, so if the baby gets fussy they have to leave immediately - and most will head to the nursery, sign up and ask if they can leave the baby for the duration. It's worked very well with people who count and oversee that things are FAIR. (wink wink) Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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How do you "just say no" (to your church)?
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