How do you know that they're ready to go?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Doddiemoemoe, Jul 6, 2007.

  1. Doddiemoemoe

    Doddiemoemoe New Member

    Is it when they have a job?(and have to deal with others on a reg. basis)

    Is it when they take their medications on their own?

    Is it when their actions and behaviors are so disruptive that YOU are ready to move out and leave them behind?

    Does having younger easy child sibs have a bearing upon this?

    Does it matter if they are attampting to go to college for the 10th time?

    Does it matter if younger difficult child's are ready to go but you are reserveing resources for the eldest who should go first...or should the eldest, "suffer the consequences"....

    If left to me..I would drop two of the three at the homeless shelter now...I'd even take their medications to them.

    My elder males are sick and need to get out of our home in my humble opinion..Both have psychotic breaks from time to time.. I always want to call the authorities...my husband hides the phone from me..however, the youngsters are so far gone...during these episodes.....*heavy sigh*

    I believe they should go..we have a minor living with us and it is not right..worse yet...I'm afraid she may be...well..

    I expect the worse...which means they need to go. I may be wrong just looking for opinions here.

    daughter
     
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi daughter- welcome!

    I can't offer an opinion with so little information. Will you please complete a profile signature and tell us more about your family and the kids you are referring to?

    My son left our home just before his 17th birthday. He had a string of illegal activities and was picked up by the police and sent off to Detention, then an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), then a group home. He never lived in our home again.

    It was certainly not the send-off that we had in mind when he was a youngster.

    So tell us more...

    Suz
     
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Every situation is different. Mine was asked to leave at 18 because he was activeley using heroin and stealing from us. It was effecting all of us and he hasn't lived home since. He went through a few rehabs and now lives in a soberhouse, 9 months clean, working full time. It was time for him to go and was a good thing for all of us in the end.

    You'll know in your heart when it's really time :smile:
     
  4. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    We asked this of a psychiatrist who was seeing our son and he said it's not really a matter of them being ready, its a question of how much are YOU willing to put up with?

    If they are minors obviously you can't put them out of the house without some legal repercussions, but if they are of majority age in your state you can certainly put them out of the house. It will probably be one of the most difficult things you will ever do, but for some it's the only "wake up" call they understand. Don't know your situation and it's not something you would do without considering the consequences.....

    Hope you can find some peace for yourself and your family....
     
  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I told my sons as long as they went to school and or worked and paid rent they could stay. one stayed til he was 29.
    no problem.

    ant could not comply and I made him leave at 18. he lived here a few days when his son was born and I threw him out. he lived here 6 months when he got out of jail...could not be respectful and I threw him out for good then.

    if they are truly sick and need care, get them to social services and see if they qualify for a disability, grp housing, and government services if need be. that is what happened to my ex. he is on a psychiatric disability and has been for 7 yrs. prior to that, I put up with him for 32 yrs. didnt help me, my sons or him to do that.
     
  6. judi

    judi Active Member

    I agree with Ant's mom: if they are truly ill, they need to be cared for. It doesn't necessarily have to be your home though. In our case, our son left at 17 and lived on his own (read: going from house to house) for a year, then came home for two years. He left again last July and now has a son who he doesn't support, hasn't worked since March (and only worked one week then) and we have little contact with him.

    Again...not the way we thought it would be.
     
  7. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Welcome to the board! It has a wealth of information and hopefully you can find what you need to help. I think you took a great first step by reaching out and asking questions...that is the only way to get more information.

    Like the other's have said without knowing more of your situation I can't respond to your questions but I can share about my son.

    I lost complete control of my son and tried to find help with therapists,Residential Treatment Center (RTC),group homes,CHINS,church,jail,etc.
    To be very honest I didn't have it in me to throw him out until I took a step back and realized how his actions were affecting my easy child daughter. I thought I could handle the marriage and my work but my daughter deserved to live in a safe home.

    He is 18 and can not live here again.
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome. :smile:

    I think that is a question every parent has asked themselves whether the child in question is a easy child or a difficult child.

    My easy child took care of it on her own. After graduation she moved out and took over her life from there.

    My son Travis, well you can see by my signature has alot of issues, he is still living at home. He is NOT ready to go yet, even at 21. However he does follow house rules and stays out of trouble. So having him here doesn't create a big problem.

    My daughter Nichole is still here because she's in college. So far she has followed house rules.

    I have a standing rule. Over 18 you must be out or in school full time making good grades and following the house rules. May sound a bit harsh, but this is also MY home and I have a right to some measure of peace in it.

    in my opinion it's what you're willing to put up with. You have less control over adult children. Sometimes all you can do is show them the door.

    Hugs
     
  9. sameold sameold

    sameold sameold New Member

    Hi
    Boy that is a hard question. My oldest son left on his own accord when he turned 18, he has been back and forth a few times for short stents. My youngest, well that is a different story, he is one of the "truly ill" ones, unfortunatly. I am sad to have to admit that, but it is true. He moved to a group home last October. The seventh of October to be exact. He is doing far better there than he was here.
    How old are your kids and do they have diagnosis's?
    Welcome to our world.
     
  10. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Hi daughter,

    Welcome to our family! As some of the others have said, I think it boils down to what you are willing to put up with.

    We kicked Angela out at 19 because she was abusing drugs and staying out from Friday night 'til Monday morning (gone to raves in Chicago). She was mean to her sister (kicking her). She went through counseling and short-term drug rehab. Nothing helped 'til she decided she wanted to change (and this was after she was out of the home).

    Now Melissa is another story. She is 21 and living at home. I would like to make her leave but that is not going to happen right now. My husband is involved in this decision. Melissa has psychiatric issues and will not seek help. It's not easy living this way.

    Please tell us more about your kids.
    Sue
     
  11. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    Hi and welcome. I agree with KLFD, you know in your heart when it's time. My difficult child was a runaway at age 16 after years of putting us through hell. I knew I had reached the point of not allowing him back in my home. He went to Juvie, a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and then a group home. I hope someday to have some kind of relationship with him but I can't ever again live the way we did.
     
  12. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Hard question. My difficult child is still young, but can relate my feelings regarding easy child.

    Dropping him off at college was the hardest thing I did. Leaving this skinny little kid, all alone, unsupervised. He came back a BIG kid. Then a man. He had some troubles at school, in and out for a few years, but rented an apartment in that town. Moved home when he was 22. Stayed for a few months and moved into an apartment with two friends. That turned into a party house and lasted only 6 months. He was afraid to ask if he could come home (info from girlfriend) So, I asked him to come home, work and save some money. (did charge him a very small fee). He took some college classes and worked. Last Fall he moved to another town, renting a room for 1/2 the week, and home 1/2 week (for work) It is a college town, so he pays alot for the room.
    I love to have him home. I enjoy his company when he is there. He has mentioned moving back in January, quitting his job, and going back to school full time, working PT. He wants to move in with a roommate he knows. As much as I would like him to stay home, save money, I know it is time. I just know. For the first time ever, I am not sad to think of him not living home. Maybe it is the maturity I see, maybe it is wanting him to take over his life, all aspects. I cannot pin point what it is. Just the feeling of peace. Knowing he will be ok. Knowing it is time.
    Now...difficult child??? couldn't answer that. What I wanted for easy child didn't happen. It may, took him a while to realize how important school is. difficult child..what i would like to see happen, and what he has in mind are probably far apart. It will be hard to let go of difficult child.
     
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I read this yesterday, and thought about it for a while. I don't know if it is a matter of them being ready to go so much as you being ready to let them go. Usually, they will stay as long as you let them when they have the issues that our kids do. You'll know when it is time to go when you set hard and fast rules and they won't stick to them. You give them choices about participating in the household with appropriate behaviors, or leaving to be on their own.
     
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