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How do you know when parents shouldn't be...
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<blockquote data-quote="AllStressedOut" data-source="post: 71291" data-attributes="member: 3837"><p>I read your post and it made me think of how I was feeling about my bio dad 3 years ago.</p><p></p><p>I'm 30, and all of my life all I have wanted is for bio dad to want to spend time with me. I wanted him to call me and see how I was doing. I wanted him to treat PCs and difficult children alike, that are not in the same bloodline, all as his grandkids. I wanted to walk into his house and see a picture of me up and not just my 2 brothers and their families everywhere. When I say everywhere, I really mean it. Mantel, walls, mini tables, coffe tables, end tables, kitchen counters, bathrooms, hallways, empty bedrooms, master bedrooms, everywhere, maybe 300 pictures in all, about 100 of bio bro and 200 of step bro and the only one in all that I found of myself was one when I was about 3 and each brother was on each side of me. I ached for this mans attention. Bio bro got a little more than me because he had lived with them for about 2 years as a teen. I grew up with my mom and step dad (my REAL dad).</p><p></p><p>About 6 years ago my brother met the sweetest girl and her and I became best friends. When he finally proposed, her and I would talk constantly planning a wedding. My bio dad and step mom had just had my step brothers wedding and paid for two huge receptions, one in the state they got married in and one here, about $10,000. Well, my bio brother didn't want anything that fancy. He and his fiance wanted to get married at a whinery, surrounded by nature in a gazebo. They wanted to rent out the barn for dancing. They needed about $1000 to help with this and it was a huge fight between step mom/bio dad and soon to be wife/sister in law. It hit me, that all of our lives our bio dad raised our stepbrother, but not us. That in his heart, he was closer to step brother. That he honestly couldn't see what he was doing to us. (this doesn't change the story at all, but bio bro and sister in law divorced last year, this is another long story entirely)</p><p></p><p>I've invited bio dad/step mom to go on family vacations with us before and not once have they gone, but they have with step bro/sister in law. I've tried to extend the olive branch to step mom and have her come over for girls things, never has she come. I've tried to be an aunt to my step brothers daughter, but they don't want me. I wasn't even invited to her 1st birthday. They said they didn't have one, but when I sent a gift, they sent me a thank you note that was a picture of her at her first birthday party. How sad/sick is that? They have their life and they are happy with it. I'm not part of it.</p><p></p><p>When I had to stick up for sister in law and bio brothers wedding, I sat down and wrote a lengthy email. My email was about how they make me feel, how they make my difficult children feel and so on. I sent it. Then more bickering ensued. It hit me during all of this, we were the "step" kids and there wasn't anything I could do to change this. For my kids, the best I could do was to keep them away from this side of the family as much as possible. We visit for BBQ once a year, bio dads birthday and Christmas. Each visit is filled with a bunch of talking about things that aren't important, no one listening to eachother anyways and everyone politely smiling. This is all I will ever get from this part of the family.</p><p></p><p>I've finally accepted this and come to realize that this is why it is so important that all of us are in the same house, all of my kids are being raised together, treated equally, loved unconditionally and accepted entirely good/bad/ugly included. My kids will never know this pain from me because I know how bad it feels to want this. Unfortunately, one day, when difficult children are old enough and they track down bio mom, they will probably feel this from her. I can't do anything to stop that either, but I can do what I can in our lives to make it easier to let go of the fantasy of her being the mom they want.</p><p></p><p>It's similar to those who talk about detaching from grown kids. You have to let yourself detach from them. WhymeMom is right, parents aren't parents just because they had sex and made a baby. Parents are parents because they invest time in you, love you and want to be in a relationship with you. Maybe you can find a grandparents program for your kids and in turn a proxy parent for you. Maybe you just need to write a letter of how you feel to your parents and get some closure. </p><p></p><p>I feel for you and your sister. My bio brother is still holding out hope for bio dad. I've finally realized I can be part of bio dads extended family, because they want me to be, but I can't change bio dad. I hope you both find closure in this and can move past it. Your parents are who they are and just like my difficult children bio mom isn't going to change for them, your parents aren't going to change for you. You need to decide what you can accept and what you can't.</p><p></p><p>Great big ((((hugs)))) from me to you and your sister. I do know how badly you want this and I know how disappointing all of this is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="AllStressedOut, post: 71291, member: 3837"] I read your post and it made me think of how I was feeling about my bio dad 3 years ago. I'm 30, and all of my life all I have wanted is for bio dad to want to spend time with me. I wanted him to call me and see how I was doing. I wanted him to treat PCs and difficult children alike, that are not in the same bloodline, all as his grandkids. I wanted to walk into his house and see a picture of me up and not just my 2 brothers and their families everywhere. When I say everywhere, I really mean it. Mantel, walls, mini tables, coffe tables, end tables, kitchen counters, bathrooms, hallways, empty bedrooms, master bedrooms, everywhere, maybe 300 pictures in all, about 100 of bio bro and 200 of step bro and the only one in all that I found of myself was one when I was about 3 and each brother was on each side of me. I ached for this mans attention. Bio bro got a little more than me because he had lived with them for about 2 years as a teen. I grew up with my mom and step dad (my REAL dad). About 6 years ago my brother met the sweetest girl and her and I became best friends. When he finally proposed, her and I would talk constantly planning a wedding. My bio dad and step mom had just had my step brothers wedding and paid for two huge receptions, one in the state they got married in and one here, about $10,000. Well, my bio brother didn't want anything that fancy. He and his fiance wanted to get married at a whinery, surrounded by nature in a gazebo. They wanted to rent out the barn for dancing. They needed about $1000 to help with this and it was a huge fight between step mom/bio dad and soon to be wife/sister in law. It hit me, that all of our lives our bio dad raised our stepbrother, but not us. That in his heart, he was closer to step brother. That he honestly couldn't see what he was doing to us. (this doesn't change the story at all, but bio bro and sister in law divorced last year, this is another long story entirely) I've invited bio dad/step mom to go on family vacations with us before and not once have they gone, but they have with step bro/sister in law. I've tried to extend the olive branch to step mom and have her come over for girls things, never has she come. I've tried to be an aunt to my step brothers daughter, but they don't want me. I wasn't even invited to her 1st birthday. They said they didn't have one, but when I sent a gift, they sent me a thank you note that was a picture of her at her first birthday party. How sad/sick is that? They have their life and they are happy with it. I'm not part of it. When I had to stick up for sister in law and bio brothers wedding, I sat down and wrote a lengthy email. My email was about how they make me feel, how they make my difficult children feel and so on. I sent it. Then more bickering ensued. It hit me during all of this, we were the "step" kids and there wasn't anything I could do to change this. For my kids, the best I could do was to keep them away from this side of the family as much as possible. We visit for BBQ once a year, bio dads birthday and Christmas. Each visit is filled with a bunch of talking about things that aren't important, no one listening to eachother anyways and everyone politely smiling. This is all I will ever get from this part of the family. I've finally accepted this and come to realize that this is why it is so important that all of us are in the same house, all of my kids are being raised together, treated equally, loved unconditionally and accepted entirely good/bad/ugly included. My kids will never know this pain from me because I know how bad it feels to want this. Unfortunately, one day, when difficult children are old enough and they track down bio mom, they will probably feel this from her. I can't do anything to stop that either, but I can do what I can in our lives to make it easier to let go of the fantasy of her being the mom they want. It's similar to those who talk about detaching from grown kids. You have to let yourself detach from them. WhymeMom is right, parents aren't parents just because they had sex and made a baby. Parents are parents because they invest time in you, love you and want to be in a relationship with you. Maybe you can find a grandparents program for your kids and in turn a proxy parent for you. Maybe you just need to write a letter of how you feel to your parents and get some closure. I feel for you and your sister. My bio brother is still holding out hope for bio dad. I've finally realized I can be part of bio dads extended family, because they want me to be, but I can't change bio dad. I hope you both find closure in this and can move past it. Your parents are who they are and just like my difficult children bio mom isn't going to change for them, your parents aren't going to change for you. You need to decide what you can accept and what you can't. Great big ((((hugs)))) from me to you and your sister. I do know how badly you want this and I know how disappointing all of this is. [/QUOTE]
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