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How do you know when parents shouldn't be...
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 71463" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>I agree with- the line of thought that you, for your own health and well being, need to make peace with- the people your parents are. I think it's highly unlikely you can promote change in them. </p><p></p><p>In some ways, I think you're lucky to be facing this so young (relatively speaking :wink: - I've got about 20 years on you). It's just in the last 10 years or so that it really hit me that my mother especially is simply not the type of mother I want/need, nor in fact the type of mother she *thinks* she is. She's simply fabulous at revisionist family history - recalls all kinds of Rockwell moments that didn't happen. I have never felt valued by her, or successful in her eyes, or worthy. </p><p></p><p>It hurt like heck, especially in the years when I was struggling with- my older boys' various issues and I really could have used a compassionate, empathetic shoulder to lean on. I was really deeply hurt and more than a little angry that she couldn't/wouldn't be there for me but... really, she *can't*. She's just not that kind of person. And I'm sure I'm a disappointment to her in many ways.</p><p></p><p>In my mind, the positive of the situation is I am a far different kind of mom. I'm sure that my own kids will wish I did X, Y, or Z, that I'm not the mom *they* think they wanted, but... I tell my kids daily, literally, that I'm so glad to be their mom, that I love them, that they are great people. Maybe we become the parents we wish we had had, and it continues on down the line. </p><p></p><p>We cannot change people, we can only change ourselves. When I let go of that fantasy mom that I really needed and made peace with- the kind of person my mom is, the hurt and anger lessened and over time disappeared. It wasn't easy to do, it took a while, and there were some impressive blowouts when I would slip and hope she would act "motherly", but now I treat her as I would treat any aquaintance - I'm polite and civil, but expect/want/need nothing from her. I would like my kids to know her but I also understand that her priorities are completely different. I can't change that. </p><p></p><p>My true family is here with me now, in my home. Hopefully I have broken the tradition on both sides of my parents' families of incredibly nasty family dynamics - and that my kids will grow up knowing they can count on husband and me, and each other, for unconditional support.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 71463, member: 8"] I agree with- the line of thought that you, for your own health and well being, need to make peace with- the people your parents are. I think it's highly unlikely you can promote change in them. In some ways, I think you're lucky to be facing this so young (relatively speaking [img]:wink:[/img] - I've got about 20 years on you). It's just in the last 10 years or so that it really hit me that my mother especially is simply not the type of mother I want/need, nor in fact the type of mother she *thinks* she is. She's simply fabulous at revisionist family history - recalls all kinds of Rockwell moments that didn't happen. I have never felt valued by her, or successful in her eyes, or worthy. It hurt like heck, especially in the years when I was struggling with- my older boys' various issues and I really could have used a compassionate, empathetic shoulder to lean on. I was really deeply hurt and more than a little angry that she couldn't/wouldn't be there for me but... really, she *can't*. She's just not that kind of person. And I'm sure I'm a disappointment to her in many ways. In my mind, the positive of the situation is I am a far different kind of mom. I'm sure that my own kids will wish I did X, Y, or Z, that I'm not the mom *they* think they wanted, but... I tell my kids daily, literally, that I'm so glad to be their mom, that I love them, that they are great people. Maybe we become the parents we wish we had had, and it continues on down the line. We cannot change people, we can only change ourselves. When I let go of that fantasy mom that I really needed and made peace with- the kind of person my mom is, the hurt and anger lessened and over time disappeared. It wasn't easy to do, it took a while, and there were some impressive blowouts when I would slip and hope she would act "motherly", but now I treat her as I would treat any aquaintance - I'm polite and civil, but expect/want/need nothing from her. I would like my kids to know her but I also understand that her priorities are completely different. I can't change that. My true family is here with me now, in my home. Hopefully I have broken the tradition on both sides of my parents' families of incredibly nasty family dynamics - and that my kids will grow up knowing they can count on husband and me, and each other, for unconditional support. [/QUOTE]
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