How that applies to the house mate theory, at least as best as I can guess is this. I tell him that overseeing him is neither a fun nor easy job. (generally after he has a meltdown because I am on his back) I remind him that I don't tell him things because it is fun or I like the sound of my own voice. I mention that I have other less irritating things to do besides babysit him such as read a book, take a nap etc. I also mention that as soon as he wants to take the reins so that I don't have to anger him by being the difficult child monitor he is welcome to do so. I make it very clear that as soon as he does the basics of what he should (no perfection expected) that I will thank him profusely for being able to shut up and trouble him no more.
It can still take a while to get the message through. Be ready for that. But you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around your child. However, some days are bad days, sometimes we know why and sometimes we don't know why.
Example: difficult child 3 was being horrible on Saturday. husband & I were out almost all day, difficult child 3 had the place to himself while I went to the hospital. We got home at dinner time to find difficult child 3 angry, mouthy, insolent and just downright horrible. After taking a lot of verbal abuse for ten minutes or more, husband & I quietly conferred and realised that when difficult child 3 had dropped his pill container that morning, he had put them all back but not taken any. Lack of medications meant that not only was he a lot more aggressive, but also we wouldn't be able to make any argument stick. All we could do, was survive. So we blocked difficult child 3 from going to mother in law's for dinner (with that attitude, he would have deeply offended grandma and auntie, and they DON'T understand). difficult child 3 continued being mean to me (I also stayed home - not well enough to visit mother in law) so I did manage to say, "Leave me alone. You say you don't like me right now - then go away until you can be nice. I don't like your nastiness right now either."
Yes, we felt we were tiptoeing around on eggshells, but we had little option. Our best way through, was simply to avoid having an impact on him, and vice versa. I knew that next day we would make sure he got his medications, and we would then be able to sort out the problems.
When your kid is being horrible and you think you understand why, you have to make a decision - deal with it now? Or wait until he is more able to hear me? To a certain extent, waiting is often better, but you must always follow through as far as you can (avoiding meltdowns again - Basket B).
If you think your difficult child is open to learning some basic life skills, then go ahead and teach him whatever he is open to. If you aren't pushed into it, you can still set s an exercise, budgeting for a meal and planning it. Or you can include him in your own planning. I found that one of the easiest special meals to teach a child, is a standard roast dinner. Chicken is often cheapest.
An aside - I grew up as the youngest child of a disabled mother - it was my job from elementary school, to at first help, and then finally actually prepare, the evening meal for the family. It would start when I got home form school, to a bucket of potatoes tat needed to be peeled, cut up and put into a saucepan to cook for mashed spud. Everything had to be timed, because there were no microwave ovens in those days, when something went cold, it was cold. I all had to be ready at the same time.
Now on to how to teach a kid to cook a basic roast - first, prepare the vegetables. In recent months we've become more adventurous with what root vegetables we roast. But the rule always is - peel the vegetables, clean them, and cut them into pieces two bites big. Allow about four pieces of vegetable per person. Put them into a plastic shopping bag (make sure it has no holes) and when you have all the vegetables you want, toss in some mixed herbs (optional) some all-purpose flour (optional) and close the bag to toss the vegetables evenly. Then pour in about a Tablespoon of cooking oil, close the bag and toss. Pour the contents of the bag into a roasting pan. I cut the base of the bag to squeeze out any leftover oil.
So that's the roast vegetables. We roast carrot (whole, or large ones split lengthways), beetroot (fresh), kumara (aka orange sweet potato) and waxy potatoes. Also possible are parsnips, celeriac and anything else you want to experiment with. A good roast dinner can make a mediocre cook look like an expert.
The easy part is the meat. basically, you find a roasting pan with a rack. Put the roast on the rack and add some water to the pan under the rack. The meat should not be touching the water, but during the roasting process you need to make sure that the water doesn't dry out entirely. Whatever else the roast needs in terms of seasoning etc is up to the cook.
Depending on the size of the roast, you need to put the vegetables on to cook at about the same time, or earlier, or later. There are cooking times available in most cookbooks and also online. Knowing what kind of meat you have and how heavy it is, tells you how long to give it in the oven.
All a difficult child cook needs to do, is put the dinner on, then watch occasionally. Vegetables need to be turned (gently!) about halfway through. A good spatula helps, but the vegetables if handled roughly can turn into bubble 'n squeak. The roast may also need turning and as I said before, the liquid in the tray needs to be watched to make sure it doesn't dry out too much and burn.
At the end of cooking, the met needs to rest for about 15-20 mins, usually on a carving tray. meanwhile the pan juices are poured off into a jug. You can just use pan juices like that, or use them to make gravy. For gravy, pour into a saucepan the fat off the top of the pan juices, then add about Tablespoon of all-purpose flour to make a roux. Let it cook on a hotplate for a couple of minutes, then add the rest of the pan juices. Let it thicken - when it begins to boil, it will be as thick as it's going to get. Add more water if you need, to get the right consistency. Add salt to taste, if needed. If salt was added to the roast, then it might not be needed in the gravy.
This is a good one to plan with the kids, because they get to have fun choosing what vegetables to roast. Even if your difficult child doesn't like all the vegetables, he can still cook them for others. It can also help a difficult child experience food more widely, if HE has cooked it.
One vegetable I don't recommend you roast - fennel. The outer payers can get a bit chewy, the texture goes watery and the aniseed flavour can be a bit strong. Also one to be cautious about - onion and garlic. Lovely, but it really overpowers everything else. To roast garlic, just cut across the top of a whole knob of garlic and put it all in. Don't put in single peeled cloves or they dry out too much and get chewy. To serve roasted garlic, squeeze out the soft garlic clove from the knob, like toothpaste.
What works with this, for the difficult children - by changing how they prepare the vegetables (and what they choose) they are customising the meal.
Other valuable skills - knitting,sewing, doing the laundry. If boys object to knitting, tell them of the fishermen in the Isles of Aran, who are the only ones permitted to knit the huge, classic Aran sweaters. Each sweater is unique and each one tells the story of the family of the man who knitted it - how many children, how many fishing boats, where they live - all in how much moss stitch, how many bobbles and cables. The men do the knitting during the long winter nights during storms, when the boats cannot put to sea. They use greasy wool so when they are out at sea, the sweaters keep them warm.
With sewing, I found with both boys, the way through was their sensory issues. They love certain smells so I got each of them to sew a cloth bag to put their favourite herbs in. difficult child 1 likes lemon scents so he made a lemon verbena bag. difficult child 3 made a lavender bag. difficult child 1 now sews leather to make gauntlets for his medieval war gaming.
As for the laundry - if your kids have Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) issues as well as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) issues, get a front-loader. You'll never get the boys out of the laundry. The day we bought our front loader, I started it up with a load of washing, then later went in to find both boys sitting on the floor in front of it, mesmerised. Each of them was turning his head this way and that, following the motion of the washing machine. difficult child 1 said, head turning constantly, "I don't know why, but I find this strangely compelling."
Find what makes your kids tick, and use that to push buttons in a positive way. For example, easy child 2/difficult child 2 loves to cook but hates the feel of raw chicken. In tis, she is like her grandma. So when getting her to cook a roast chicken, for example, I had to handle the meat for her to a certain extent. I found that some flexibility made for more harmony. Also, the more she could see me trying to help her, the more she knew she owed me.
Never be a doormat for your kids. It's bad for you and it's bad for them. Our kids need to see that what we do for them IS a sacrifice, otherwise they will go through life expecting the same selflessness from everyone else in their world.
I remember having a conversation like this with difficult child 1. I was saying to him, "Do you think I enjoy slaving in the kitchen for you guys?" and he said, "Sure you do. You're a mother; it's what mothers do. Otherwise you wouldn't do it."
I was stunned; he really believed this. I pointed out, vehemently, that I do what has to be done because if I didn't do it, the kids would go hungry. I have learned to enjoy cooking, out of necessity. Just because a person doesn't like doing a certain job, is no justification for refusal to do it. I told him that one day he would be married and his wife would be very grateful to know I had taught him at least the basics of how to cook.
Luckily for him, he married a good cook.
I never thought he would ever marry. Who would have him? Much as we love him, he can be so infuriatingly helpless sometimes. But he found someone who loved him enough, who can accept his failings enough, who is happy to look after him. And she has her own needs, he looks after her too. And that makes him feel strong and confident in ways that I as his mother never could.
So always have hope. You never know what the future holds, but you can work on your child's future from your own angle.
Marg
