How Do You Support Your Child, Not be a Hypocrit?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jen, Aug 26, 2007.

  1. Jen

    Jen New Member

    Seriously how does one do that whether they are a difficult child or easy child?
    My easy child daughter has been making choices that I do not agree with at all. She has been confused about herself, and her marriage for almost a year now. She chose to join the Army this last March leaving behind a husband and 2 yo son, now staying with us, temporarily was the plan. Now she does not want them to come out to where she is posted until next April, when she may be deployed. She still wants to get an apt off base for her self, and a family that wont be living there. She has not asked for a divorce, rather is estranged from her hubby. For all intensive purposes she lives the single life, but has not crossed the line. It is so not what we taught her in life. She recently changed her life insurance policy that excludes her husband, and has us as the beneficiaries, to delegate the money to her son.

    I have a girlfriend that is older than me, adn we have discussed this at length. She has a 32 yo son that is in the service. He has been married for 3 yrs, but he lives in an apt off of Fort Hood, while his wife and step daughter chose to stay in Virginia where she has a job. She would not leave her job.Even though my girlfriend does not agree with that arrangement, she accepts it. She has no idea the type of life her son is living out in Texas, with a single roomate. She is so quick to judge my easy child daughter because she is the woman, she feels that it is different, adn wrong that a wife go into a service vs a husband who leaves his family behind. Her son had been in the service for a few months while they had been dating for several yrs off and on. My girlfriend feels my easy child daughter is horrible for what she has done, adn that she is being selfish, and what she wants is to just sow herwild oats. That is where I come in that I agree to a point, but I would never say that to her about her son. So it is now off limits to talk with her about my easy child.

    How do I support my easy child emotionally when the choices she has made I dont agree with how she is handling them. She handles them by being focused at what is going on now in her life at the barics, and checking out on everything else that she should be holding dear to her. She has left us all hanging, or lives onhold, She knows how we feel about the whole thing. Am I sending mixed messages though still talking with her? She wants to talk only generically, anything personal she freaks out on, stops the conversation, or just hangs up.

    Do any of you ask yourself this when dealing with a easy child or difficult child ? I have the same question in regards to my difficult child, but more concerned for my daughter esp, since she is so dar away, adn looking at her leaving to be deployed next April. I feel bad for sister in law and grnadson, where should my loyalites ly, if one to say it like that?


  2. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Try as we like, once our kiddos are grown and making decisions, we cannot change what they do.

    I have to believe in my heart that your daughter is making decisions that are what she needs right now. I say that because, for heavens sake, she just finished basic training (which is no easy task) and she's in the middle of her training. The military prides itself on order, loyalty, etc, etc.

    There must be other stuff happening in her life with her husband that you are not privy. If she's changed her life insurance to you as the benificiary and not her husband...that says alot right there.

    I guess, if it were me, I'd put behind what my feelings were and support my daughter in what her desires are.

    She is legally still married to this guy. They still have legal joint custody of their child. It's really up to them to figure out who does what and who stays where.

    Although it is VERY difficult, I would try and stay out of it and not show any disappointment or take sides. I also wouldn't be discussing anything with her husband.

    I don't think you are being a hypocrit either. You are being a concerned mom who is just confused by your daughter's decisions.
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    When my daughter was little, she would draw me pictures and be oh so proud of them. No matter if I couldn't figure out what they were, I found something positive in each and every one of them. I try to do the same today. I may not like her choices or think they are silly pipe dreams or so unrealistic to be laughable but I will never tell her that. I will sit and discuss the pros and cons of her choices, help her find out what she needs to do and I'll stand on the sidelines and cheer her successes. I don't have to like her choices, I just have to accept that she is doing what is right for her at the time and be sure I'm there if she falters or needs help.

    She has chosen to not confide in you what is going on with her and her husband. As confusing as it is, you have to abide with that. She may one day tell you why she felt the need to leave him and her baby, why she is basically separating from him at this time. For now, you can celebrate that she has gotten through basic. You can honor her promotions. You don't have to like that she will be living off base without her spouse and child, just accept that that is the way it is. Sometimes that's the best we can do.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with the others.

    Im not sure the Armys stand on married privates coming out of basic that arent living with their spouses and whether they CAN even live off base. I know in the Marines if a person is a lance corporal or below (specialist in the army I think) and they are not living with their spouse, they have to live in the barracks. It was only because Jamie already had a lease for 12 months in his name that he was allowed to continue living in his apartment when his wife separated from him. He would have had to break his lease and that would have been a big problem for him. Then after that he was a Corporal and he was allowed to live off base by then.

    The Army may be different though because the Marines tend to be tougher on things like that.

    She is also making things rougher on herself moneywise. Sure she will get a housing allotment but it costs quite a bit to live. Who knows...just sit back and wait. It will all play out. She should be sending money home to her family. She gets money for them.
  5. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    NF, as my sig. states, is in the Navy, getting ready to be deployed, and his wife just got an apartment here. While I don't necessarily "support" the apartment she leased (I think it's WAY too expensive), I've helped her move into it. He also knows how I feel about the rent cost, but ultimately it's HIS money and her's to budget.

    Your daughter isn't sewing wild oats, or if she is now, that will soon come to an end when she is deployed. If that's her sole reason for enlisting, she will either buck up or not make it too long.