HOW does he do the things he does???

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Star*, Apr 29, 2012.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    This scratch that - lets back up. Allow me to preface this breakfast fiasco. Notice I said fiasco and not fiesta. I'm back on my lifestyle way of living which means I stop eating at 7: - 7:30 PM. Without it? I'm slowly putting the belt a notch to two - up the pike as it were. So better fix it before I'm not in the cute clothes I worked so hard to get into.

    That said DF offers a scrumptios meal of eggs with cheese, bacon, wheat toast and coffee in the morning, instead of my usual bowl of UNspecial K and 1% milk. I am elated! Bacon. I swear I had thoughts of being like that dog in the commercial - I love you, I love bacon - I love you, I love bacon. So he even suggested I sleep in. Groovy. I am into this. I got up around normal time, you know what I mean - normal, Mommy for life, got to get everyone off to school, OMW is it get up for work, I'd better keep this routine up 6ish time - and thought "AH breakfast - sleep in!" So Pootie and myself just rolled over like a couple of lazy daisys, yawned, cuddled -gave each other that - OMG do you know how bad YOU look in the morning up and down - and fell back to sleep. About 45 minutes ago I hear DF stumble down the hall, with the lack of coordination only rivaled by a bull moose in rut - banging the doors open, banging the doors shut, slamming the toidy seat up, slamming the lid down, slamming the door open, banging into the hall door, and finally he made it out of the hall and all I could think of was if he hits the chimes clock maybe I'll hear TILT!

    Walks past the kitchen - starts the coffee and goes back into the den taking Ouixa the trader with him. I hear running water. I don't smell coffee, not like I normally do, it's different some how. I hear running water. What in the? I'm up, I'm up. I lack proper kitchen inspection attire, but I'm going for it and as I round the dining room my fears are coming true. There on the stove sits the coffee pot. There on the counter sits the Mister Coffee - running......All. OVER. THE. counter, down the cabinets, front and back -into the cleaning supplies, under the cabinet, over the clean floor, on the clean rugs. UGH. And you'd JUST know - LAST weekend was tear the under the sink apart and clean all THAT stuff out - and Thursday was scrub the floor hands and knees, and wash all the rugs. And February was scrub the cabinets. Grumble, grumble.

    I go out to get some used towels to clean up the mess - the HOT MESS (HHAHahaha) that is running across the floor and I hear - TURN THE LIGHT OFF!!!!!! as if he's a vampire wating on sundown. I ignored him...He yelled a little more intently TURN OFF THAT LIGHT. So I said "I will - I'm trying to find a towel." And then? And THEN? He did it - he said "WHY what'd YOU spill?" And that moment that you stand there trying to decide what to say knowing that THIS """"""THIS""""" is the moment that defines your entire day with the man that lives with you under your roof is at hand. So I said - OH well some coffee......and he said "Is it ready?" I said "It will be as soon as I clean it up." and then Captain Crab says "CLEAN IT UP - HOW MUCH DID you SPILL?" and still considering the length of the day - I said "I didn't spill any" (and I didn't say I sarcastically either - I was so proud) So he looked toward the kitchen lgiht - squinted and i swear he hissed (but I know he didn't) and I said "When you turned the machine on this morning - you did't see the pot sitting on the STOVE?" and ladies I can't repeat what he said here because it was a cross between mumbling, cursing, self loathing, and possibly Romanian vampire somethin or other...but needless to say I finished cleaning and made a fresh pot and came to say good morning to you.

    I just don't get how i can be promised BACON and eggs - and end up cleaning a kitchen at 7:30 in the morning. I swear I think he plans this stuff. And worst yet? He says - "I'm not a breakfast person - you know I can't eat first thing . So I'm going to have to eat Unspecial K anyway. Then have eggs for lunch. By then I'll just have a BLT. I think." AND then?Clean up the kitchen. LOL. Again.

    I'm guessing the upside here is I have food and I have a place to clean up! Not a bad days blessing if you ask me. Oh an I'll include grumbly man - because mostly he's loving and sweet but today he's just starting out very seafoodish - crabby and salty.
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    You know, I stopped letting FH do "nice things" for me very early on in our marriage. I learned quickly that it cost me in effort a lot more than it did him!
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    :coffee:OMG. Sounds like a difficult child to me!


    What would he do with-o you?
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thats why I hate coffee! I bought Tony one of those one cup coffee makers and at first he complained about it but he grew to love it. Then Buck moved in and he broke it within a month because Buck doesnt drink just one cup of coffee, he drinks coffee constantly and those one cup coffee makers arent meant to be used over and over and over again constantly for days on end. I might get him another one once this isnt an issue.

    Bacon and eggs sound wonderful though! I like making a sandwich out of
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I've got two wonderful quotes about bacon, both of which I got in line at sumptuous brunch buffets.

    "Bacon - the candy bar of meat."

    "Bacon - it's the gateway meat." (I had to ask what that meant, and was told that for a vegetarian, it's always bacon that is the gateway meat back into a omnivorous diet.)

    Hey, at least you got to work off all of those extra calories from the bacon and eggs!
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    husband doesn't promise me breakfast... because I always wake before he does, LOL!

    But... The man grills better than anyone I've ever met except my father. So I just wait for dinner.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Have you ever licked a styrofoam meal box? :sochildish:I did this week. husband picked me up from the hospital after some fasting tests and had a full takeout breakfast waiting on my desk. Two scrambled, hash browns, eight (not kidding) slices of bacon and hot coffee. OMG! I just had to give a quick lick to the empty box before it went into the garbage. LOL

    We don't eat bacon more than a couple of times a year but just thinking about it makes me drool. Shredded Wheat and K just don't compare...but they are the daily companion. by the way I hate cleaning up spills...especially if I am the one who messed it up. Good Girl, Starbie. DDD
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    LICKED a styrofoam meal box?????? :bpotd:(going now to get ye old spit rag)
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    LORD it just gets better......

    So we have 8 tomatos and 8 cucumbers. PLENTY for us, and to give away. Plant them and df drags out this hose -----I said be careful -lllllllllll.........I get that - I"M NOT AN IDIOT LOOK.......and I turned my back for a second......and where do YOU think the hose was drug?

    I have 3 cucumber vines left. and WHEN I YELLED OMGOSH~~ he looked and said - WELL I DIDN'T SEE THEM......(SLAP MY HEAD AND SHUT MY MOUTH) okay okay - they'll grow back ----they're in the ground .....just breath they're cucumbers star - at the man.........exhale.....

    Then he did that curly cue thing that ALL MEN - and I MEAN ALL BLOODY MEN do like they're WILD WEST HEROes and going to jump through the circle (yeah that thing) and TOOK OUT A TOMATO plant.......

    WHAT THE HHHHHHHH#)$(*#)(*#%( are you doing?????

    He looks back and I said..........NOT SMILING..........GOOD GRIEF! and he just stood there with his head if that would 1.) Bring pity on him 2.) Bring the baby tomato plant back to life. 3.) KEEP HIM from being killed. and you know what? It worked. I did feel sorry for him. I was able to save the tomato plant. He's still alive. (that is by the Grace of God because I had a hoe in my hand and he's really slow with that cane of his, and that fake limp. I'm sure it's fake. Okay maybe it's real.

    Anyway - despite INCREDIBLE odds - that you would not believe - we got a garden put in - and did an extra row and now he can't remember where he put the seeds. MY GOD if we had to depend on this garden we'd starve. It doesn't matter I told him once we were in the house if we were on the real Oregon Trail I would have alread rolled MYSELF up in a Pox blanket. This is just too much for any one woman to handle. I think if I find a bottle of liquor while I'm looking for the seed packets I'm going to have a nip or twelve...just so I can converse with him. and his Fritz.

    And we never did have eggs. He made cinnamon rolls - package says 15 minutes - so he put them in for 8. Nice doughy cinnamon rolls ar great when you can't have any sugar in your diet. I opted for unspecial K. and I think I know why some women put Baileys in their Coffee. The older I become the more clearly I understand so many things I never did. Like Licking styrofoam. I'm sure there's a really good reason for that too.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Smarty Pants, LOL. DDD
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Starbie, I always get such good visuals on your posts. :rofl:

    That is the reason all husband was allowed to do was MOW and TRIM. And even then, I had to watch him like a hawk. ugh The man sent a blind kid out with weedeaters and hatchets for pete's sake! omg

    My garden is scheduled to go in next weekend. It "appears" the weather will cooperate. (I love how now I'm ready to get it done and we're back at early springish weather) With Nichole's husband and easy child's husband "helping" along with Nichole and easy child and various grandchildren.......................Oh, my.......I can't wait for the post that will surely bring. LOL

    Want a cheap cool way for your tomatoes?? Go to Lowe's, get those 10 gal buckets (cheapest ones are like 2 bucks), cut a inch or 2 inch hole (take an old newspaper, cute the half size hole in it to line the bottom of the bucket in the bottom, slide your tomato seedling into it, fill with dirt, hang up high on a hook. Poor man's topsy turvy and it works so much BETTER! (and you can plant herbs in the top too) That is how the girls and I are doing our tomatoes this year. :)
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    LOL... husband does all our gardening. I kill plants if I so much as look at them...
  13. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Star your posts always make my day.....I laugh, I sometimes tear up....but you always make them so are special my friend! :flirtysmile3:

    Because of you and your post of bacon it inspired me for this week's menu. We're going to have blts. I had a feeling you might not end up getting your bacon and eggs. Though you have given me food for thought! ;)

    I'm sorry your garden got mauled today. Actually sounds like something that would happen at my house but I hope not. This year the family (not me as I can't do it) decided to do a garden here at the new place (with permission from LL of course). The ground got dug up first because it's never been used for such before but then tilled and treated with special fertilized soil and then sand mixed in (the dirt here is a lot of clay-like and just needs some sand in it for better mixing we were told). Next week end is planting weekend. They are putting in watermelon, pole beans, lettuce, cucumbers, peas, summer squash and I forget what else. We do the topsy turvy style for tomatoes - grape and beefsteak kinds). Hope it works out well as we all love the freshness of it and we go through a lot. I think about the money saved! I told them that they have to plant that extra row too!

    Well, here's hoping to at least a peaceful ending to the day for you! :)
  14. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm laughing too, at "what did you spill?" My husband loses stuff and insists I threw it away. The latest was the other day when he thought I threw out his INSOLES TO HIS SHOES! Seriously!!! He said he left them on THE KITCHEN TABLE and now they're gone. OMG! I said of you took out your insoles and left them on the kitchen table I definately would have been so grossed out, I would never touch them, much less throw them away "by accident". They were right where he left them in his truck. This goes on almost every day, he thinks I throw it out....then he finds it. But first I get the blame.
  15. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I'm laughing hysterically, partially because I did the same thing with the coffee pot, not once, but TWICE and I don't have a significant other to blame it on. It was just my own da~ned stupidity. So I KNOW how he did it. It's easy.
  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star, you are MY special friend, too!

    How is it....this weekend, my husband promised me a sausage and cheese omelet Sunday AM. How did I end up cooking bacon & eggs???!!! No spills, thank goodness. But, how do they do that??!! Promise us something and we end up working?? We should figure this one out. Gotta turn the tables on them!

    I NEVER licked a styrofoam carton though. Can't wait to try it!
  17. Star - You are truly as patient as a saint! And you are also hysterically funny! You should have your own column! I'd read it every day. In fact, I'd buy a paper just to read it.
  18. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Now "I" supposedly "threw out" husband's phone charger! I told him to apologize to me when he finds it!
  19. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Oh yeah! And it's great in hot chocolate, too. Learned that before I even had a difficult child. Maybe you got a difficult child so you'd have the patience to not kill your DF later.
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911

    If the phone charger were taped to the insoles you could be married to Maxwell Smart - I'd keep an eye out for 007's shoe phone.