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How does your difficult child see...
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 410597" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Perfectionism was the first thing that occurred to me. It also could be that she truly doesn't know that everyone has problems, no matter how perfect they or their lives seem. It is entirely possible that she doesn't know that you can be a great, well rounded, top of your class student and still make mistakes.</p><p> </p><p>How do you think of yourself and your parenting? Do you always see where you could do it better? Do you see that you are doing well but...?</p><p> </p><p>This may be something that doesn't apply to your family, but it was an issue in mine. My mother was raised by an alcoholic who was a single parent by the time she was 10. Her mom died, so he was all she had. One thing that children of alcoholics get really really well is perfectionism. They want to be the top in everything - no matter what. If they can just do everything well enough, be perfect enough, then the alcoholic in their life will be happy and life will be good. </p><p> </p><p>It is a really nasty, insidious and pervasive way of thinking. It literally applies to every single thing in your life. Without some serious help and a whole lot of work, it never goes away.</p><p> </p><p>THen when you have kids they become perfectionists. I did not know my grandfather was an alcoholic until I was 20 and was pregnant with Wiz. I was shocked - beyond shocked!!! No one talked about it. He did NOT drink around me - ever. He knew that if he drank around us even one time my mother would never let him see us again (around my bro and I). </p><p> </p><p>I went to some alanon meetings because my mom pressured me. Then I started paying attention. She was NOT going because her son was an alcoholic, although he was. He wasn't even living in town when I went. I didn't go because my brother was an alcoholic. I went because I was the grandchild of one. It truly shocked and amazed me how my life was impacted as far back as I could remember.</p><p> </p><p>I NEVER thought of myself as being at the top of the class. I was, but it didn't register. What I saw was the red marks on my papers. I saw the mistakes. I saw my parents helping drill me on math, vocabulary, helping rewrite an essay, etc... I also saw them going over a test with me - so I could figure out what I messed up. </p><p> </p><p>Don't get me wrong - I was praised for my grades. I was even PAID for them - $5 for an A, $3 for a B and $1 for a C. It started because bro's grades tanked - then when they paid him they felt they had to pay me too. My pics went on the fridge, my best ones were saved. </p><p> </p><p>That didn't register nearly as much to me. I saw the other kids and ALWAYS thought they were better than me. No matter WHAT I did or said, what I saw was how I could have done it better. I still do this to an extent. I work to not do it, to let things be enough just the way they are. I also have had to work to NOT focus on how my kids could do things better. I work on praising and leaving off that "but you could have ...." that comes after "WOW - you did a good job!"</p><p> </p><p>I don't know if you have alcoholism in the family tree. But are YOU a perfectionist? Our kids, esp our daughters, learn this from us. </p><p> </p><p>This could be the reason behind not realizing that she is a top student in her class, that she is one of the smart kids. It is something you can work on - NOT pointing out if thngs can be improved - in every aspect of your and her lives. SOmetimes it is important to point out how to improve thigns, but often it isn't as important as it seems.</p><p> </p><p>I mentioned the alcoholic link because it is one of the strongest, most pervasive problems in children of alcoholics that they don't even realize is happening, and one of the things that is easiest to pass on to our kids. Especially to our daughters. If mom is never happy with what she has done, if what mom does can always be improved, then how can anything her daughter does ever be good enough?</p><p> </p><p>(This is how daughters think. I actually can remember thinking along those lines as a kid - many times. It was NOT what my parents wanted to teach me.)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 410597, member: 1233"] Perfectionism was the first thing that occurred to me. It also could be that she truly doesn't know that everyone has problems, no matter how perfect they or their lives seem. It is entirely possible that she doesn't know that you can be a great, well rounded, top of your class student and still make mistakes. How do you think of yourself and your parenting? Do you always see where you could do it better? Do you see that you are doing well but...? This may be something that doesn't apply to your family, but it was an issue in mine. My mother was raised by an alcoholic who was a single parent by the time she was 10. Her mom died, so he was all she had. One thing that children of alcoholics get really really well is perfectionism. They want to be the top in everything - no matter what. If they can just do everything well enough, be perfect enough, then the alcoholic in their life will be happy and life will be good. It is a really nasty, insidious and pervasive way of thinking. It literally applies to every single thing in your life. Without some serious help and a whole lot of work, it never goes away. THen when you have kids they become perfectionists. I did not know my grandfather was an alcoholic until I was 20 and was pregnant with Wiz. I was shocked - beyond shocked!!! No one talked about it. He did NOT drink around me - ever. He knew that if he drank around us even one time my mother would never let him see us again (around my bro and I). I went to some alanon meetings because my mom pressured me. Then I started paying attention. She was NOT going because her son was an alcoholic, although he was. He wasn't even living in town when I went. I didn't go because my brother was an alcoholic. I went because I was the grandchild of one. It truly shocked and amazed me how my life was impacted as far back as I could remember. I NEVER thought of myself as being at the top of the class. I was, but it didn't register. What I saw was the red marks on my papers. I saw the mistakes. I saw my parents helping drill me on math, vocabulary, helping rewrite an essay, etc... I also saw them going over a test with me - so I could figure out what I messed up. Don't get me wrong - I was praised for my grades. I was even PAID for them - $5 for an A, $3 for a B and $1 for a C. It started because bro's grades tanked - then when they paid him they felt they had to pay me too. My pics went on the fridge, my best ones were saved. That didn't register nearly as much to me. I saw the other kids and ALWAYS thought they were better than me. No matter WHAT I did or said, what I saw was how I could have done it better. I still do this to an extent. I work to not do it, to let things be enough just the way they are. I also have had to work to NOT focus on how my kids could do things better. I work on praising and leaving off that "but you could have ...." that comes after "WOW - you did a good job!" I don't know if you have alcoholism in the family tree. But are YOU a perfectionist? Our kids, esp our daughters, learn this from us. This could be the reason behind not realizing that she is a top student in her class, that she is one of the smart kids. It is something you can work on - NOT pointing out if thngs can be improved - in every aspect of your and her lives. SOmetimes it is important to point out how to improve thigns, but often it isn't as important as it seems. I mentioned the alcoholic link because it is one of the strongest, most pervasive problems in children of alcoholics that they don't even realize is happening, and one of the things that is easiest to pass on to our kids. Especially to our daughters. If mom is never happy with what she has done, if what mom does can always be improved, then how can anything her daughter does ever be good enough? (This is how daughters think. I actually can remember thinking along those lines as a kid - many times. It was NOT what my parents wanted to teach me.) [/QUOTE]
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