how husband went insane

[LittleDudesMom]

P,

Thanks for sharing your family's story. It was brave and I'm sure it was also therapeutic for you. It's great to hear that you and the children have move forward in such a positive way.

I can not believe your kids are so old!!!!! I remember when easy child babysat for them! Now she works for a family as a nanny and goes to school part time to become a Special Education teacher and your kids aren't "babysittable" any more! The years go by so fast...

Glad to have you back with us!

Sharon

 

[pigless in VA]

RE, I agree with Janet. Your whole post is powerful. I wanted to comment on one small thought.

that he couldn't cope with whatever demons he was living with and felt he only had one way out.

My husband exactly. As he descended into madness, what little ability he had to cope evaporated. Absolutely everything irritated him intensely. One reason I kept taking the kids other places was to give him the quiet he needed to regroup.

LDM, your easy child was instrumental in helping husband and I keep our marriage together longer. How wonderful that she wants to be a Special Education teacher; she'll be great.

Star, that was my goal in writing. To help people feel less alone in living with mental illness. I think the boat is larger than we believe, and I don't want it to be the Titanic.

I think it's important to mention that I wasn't a rock throughout this whole experience. I broke down over and over, but I kept regrouping for myself and my children. I remember that I had to go to the bagel store the morning after husband's first psychotic episode when he told me I was "evil." I was standing in line and thinking about my husband psychologically dying and by the time the poor bagel guy got to me I had tears streaming down my face. I could barely choke out my order through the tears. Bagel guy handed me the bag and said ethusiastically, "You have a wonderful day!"

 

[buddy]

The only pain of heard of pot helping is for glaucoma, and it helps something with the pressure aspect I think.

I don't remember the patches they had mother in law on, but I do know they were extremely strong pain medications. In addition, she took more really really strong ones orally for the break through pain...

I know nothing about how pot affects people except through what people tell me, but for my cousin,when dying of cancer....NONE of the very strong pain medications helped her. They made her much more nauseous and pot was the one thing that helped. Luckily (I say this with extreme sarcasm) her hubby is a full blown drug addict, has been in jail since her death and is being an awful father because if it, he even stole her medications when she really needed them! We had to lock things up and stay with her, it was awful) but anyway he could easily get pot for her and it finally brought her relief. Not one of us, even those of us who never use any drugs, judged it. We were so grateful for her to be able to rest, to not cry in pain all night. It really changed my views.

 

[recoveringenabler]

PIV, I agree about the boat being larger then we believe, perhaps much, much larger. Once suicide touched my life, so many others shared their stories with me of how suicide impacted their lives. It is more common then we believe, it's just not talked about. There are so many undiagnosed mentally ill people out there with their lives exploding and taking their loved ones with them.

My close friend had a young cousin who was schizophrenic and on medications to control it. She lived in CA. but was going to college back east. She flew back to San Francisco, took a taxi to the Golden Gate Bridge and jumped to her death. She left a note for her family saying she just couldn't take it anymore. She said taking the medications took all the life out of her, made everything 'flat' and not taking them brought all the internal voices back. She was 19 years old. My friend had to go to the Coroners office and identify her body. I can't imagine what it's like to be inside the head of someone whose brain is skewering reality in such a way that it becomes unrecognizable and frightening.

As a child, a wife, a sister and a mother, I've teetered on the edge of the abyss of madness and it is a sobering and scary experience. You were on that edge as well. You may not have been a 'rock', who among us is in the face of tragedy, but you persevered, you were resilient, you went through it and you sound as if you are once again, thriving. A tribute to your strength and your ability to see your experience through the eyes of love.

You are helping by talking about it, bringing mental illness out of the darkness, (where, remarkably, it still lives), so that others can understand, have compassion, learn, not feel alone and hopefully seek the right kind of help. I thank you for that. And, send you hugs and warm wishes for a peaceful, joyful and healthy life.

 

[Star*]

Pigless -

I'm glad you shared what you did. I lived through twenty two suicide attempts with my ex. I was twenty three year old the first time he tried to kill himself, and alone. His family was very hateful towards me. The first time in the emergency room? They all sat on one side of the ER and literally left me sit on the opposite side completely, and utterly alone as if it were my fault. When they called for "Mrs. X" my mother in law got up and literally challenged the doctor for my right to be with him. The doctor took my side, and I got to go see him. It was the first in a long, long series of brushes with death I'll never forget, and an even longer history with a man that is indescribably ill. Later it would be his uncle who lived with us, never quite came back from Viet Nam, and would have PTSD episodes so bizzare in our house it just didn't seem real, but when you describe dancing and disguises? It actually was like an OMG moment. Unfortunately he also took his life by shooting. The note I came home to said "I'm sorry - don't come in - call 911." He eased his pain in the kitchen. We were to leave that afternoon for a trip to see his daughter in FL. And then my own son has tried three times now to take his own life. Dealing with those things, over the years never makes you numb, doesn't make you an expert - but it just makes you wonder - LORD - why me? And some questions you want answered just kind of hang out there not really nagging you - but forgotten - until you hear someone else talk about them.

The hardest question I think I faced in all of it and the biggest TABU for everyone I knew was the one his daughter was most distraught over. She said since her dad took his own life he would go right to Hell. As a person of Faith this was how I was raised to believe also but when you're faced with a crying teenager, and lived with such a good man that was so very, very tortured and mentally ill? How do you answer that? My thought was this - and I'll share it - because someone said later it was a good answer. I didn't care if it was good - it was just what I felt. I told her - I think everything we do in life is judged in the end. How we handle every burden placed upon us is weighed and looked at. Some of us are given these great lives with riches and wealth and hardly ever a problem - and yet we never help the next person. Ever. Are those people any less guilty of wrong doing? Then there are people like your Dad who had it poor, and rough, went to Nam, and saw things, and were forced to do things that were so horrible he was never able to get over them. Thirty years later? Still in his mind, ruined his psyche. Rendered him nearly non-functional. But in his heart? A good man. Poor in pocket - rich in spirit - and while he had very little? He gave people so much of himself. The shirt off his back kind of man. I think in the end - when you have to stand before your maker and you're weighed and measured? Perhaps I'm wrong but I could see where mental illness would be taken into consideration in taking your own life and not truly knowing what you did was wrong - that the pain was so great - or that you knew if you didn't do this - worse things would happen. So maybe there is a pass on things like this and he's not going to Hell after all. It's not up to us to decide that. We don't get to judge.....

With that? She knew that her Dad was a good hearted person - and the kind of person I described. He really was. Instead of having a private ceremony she changed it to a regular funeral and memorial. No one mentioned about him going to hell and well - I think that's between him and God when he gets there. It doesn't say that there is a tortured soul mentally ill clause - but I'd like to think in all the infinite wisdom of our creator he knew - what they felt. And allowed for imperfections even in the most imperfect situations.

 

[TerryJ2]

This is so true, for so many: He had no idea how his decision would impact others; he viewed himself as a solitary person.


And I think you are right, about part of him despairing of any future together, and part of him believing he was protecting you and the kids. He was actually right, and could not make himself believe that there was another alternative (iow, that if he got better, it could work out somehow).

Your kids were amazingly mature. I am so glad that they have coped so well so far.

I just keep thinking about the solitary part, and how significant that is.

Many, many hugs.

 

[witzend]

.NONE of the very strong pain medications helped her. They made her much more nauseous and pot was the one thing that helped

This is accurate. It can be very calming to the stomach.

Lisa, I think that the patches your mother in law was on were probably fentanyl, which is 100 times more potent than morphine, and highly addictive.

 

[detachingmother]

I already told you this, but wanted to put it here in your thread. Of all that I've read all over the internet and beyond, by far, your story resonated with me the most.

Thank you so much for sharing, just hearing that you have come out the other end ok, gives me hope.

And, while my son is not dead, he says "he's already dead", and I believe him. I feel like this is where I am heading with him. Obviously, he's my son and it probably is very different, but, it feels familiar. Too familiar, if that makes sense.

Glad you chose to keep telling your story, which I missed how long ago it was. I got the impression it was awhile ago. Here we are in 2016 and these docs still don't have a clue. But, here you are helping people with what you have learned and know by experience. Surely, you could've just moved on and never told strangers about your horrific ordeal...I am thankful you did.

 

[pigless in VA]

DM, I'm sorry that it's my story that resonating with you, because it isn't a very happy story. Yes, it has been awhile. My husband died in December of 2010.

I feel like with mental illness that it's my job to speak out about it. There are so many other families trying hard to cope with similar issues. The system for helping the families is far from ideal. My hope is that by being honest about our experiences that changes will be made for the better.

And I would have liked for my husband, who really was a thoughtful and compassionate person when sane, to get better.

My neighbor's husband was in the psychiatric hospital when my husband was in for the last time. She told me recently that my husband's death changed her family. Her children met with their father, confronted him about his own illness, and that pushed her husband to get on a better path. Today, he is alive and well and parenting his 4 children far better, because my husband didn't make it. I was so happy to hear that her family used our situation to make positive changes.

I also want to take a minute to thank all of the members who originally responded to this thread so compassionately. You have no idea how much each of you has helped me to heal and become stronger.

 

[Nancy]

Pigless, reading your story again after all these years, just as powerful. Reminded me of why we are all here. I'm glad you are back.