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How much do you share with others in town...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 56591" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>This is a hard one. Not telling people is risky and they won't thank you for it. Also, not telling them is an immediate vote of no confidence in their abilities to cope with the information and support you, so those who WOULD be understanding may be less happy if you don't seem to trust them. But you are right to be concerned about throwing the information around too freely, because there IS stigma, and a lot of people CAN'T cope with the information. They worry that their little Johnny or Fiona would be tainted by contact with your defective child.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes it's fairly obvious that this child is different. In those circumstances, you need to say something. I've known people to agonise over what to say to the parent of their child's friend, because they perceive something is wrong but the parents don't seem to want to acknowledge it. If they know it's being taken care of, these worries can go away.</p><p></p><p>Someone with more specific experience may be able to help you more. For us, the problem is autism and we do tend to lean heavily on "different brain wiring", "communication disorder" and "inability to learn social interaction the usual way". We have to say something, because it's obvious to any adult who spends more than a few minutes around him. Some people can cope with the information and others can't. We stay away from those who can't, because this attitude DOES percolate down to their kids who often can be very cruel to those who are different or 'flawed'. You can often recognise these people before you ever need to say anything - they are often the ones who are fitness or health freaks but are motivated by personal fear of any infirmity. This doesn't mean avoid all people who eat sensibly and go jogging, just that a subset of this group are common offenders here. Or they are people who need to know exactly where they stand with others; preferably at the top. The social climbers, those who view status as all-important. Avoid them too.</p><p>Also, say nothing to gossips. Say as little as possible and expect what you DO say to be broadcast, so make sure your message is brief and clear. Ask for confidentiality; just don't expect it.</p><p></p><p>What we've done - we organised "Sixth Sense" at the school, I wrote a couple of articles in the local paper, and apart from that I talk to only those parents of other kids who really need to know. difficult child 3's best mate also has mild autism - it was the friendship of both boys that made the diagnosis clear in the young friend. These boys understand one another as nobody else seems to understand them. But friend's mother is a gossip - she just can't help herself - so I'm choosy about what I tell her. Just the facts, ma'am. We get on well but I make sure we're only talking about the weather, or politics, or the latest news about Paris Hilton (you get the drift). Mostly, I listen.</p><p>Neighbours over the road - also gossips, but nice people. difficult child 3 plays there, too. They seem to understand him and are lovely with him. But because of "Sixth Sense" and my articles, although that was a few years ago, the general information is about town - "difficult child 3 is autistic, he's a bright boy but can react oddly." probably added to that is, "Watch out for his mother, she watches him like a hawk, she's a dragon." And I know a few people also value my activism, and use it when they need a hand. I make myself useful to those who ask for my help and don't interfere when my help is not wanted. It means I build up 'brownie points' so people are generally glad to see me, not running a mile because they think, "What does she want me to do for her NOW?"</p><p>An occasional cake, packet of home-made biscuits or bottle of home-made jam can be a wonderful social lubricant, especially if you give it with no expectation of anything in return. How is this relevant? It sends a clear message, "I'm not a whinger who always leans on other people. I am productive too and I raise my kids the same way." People are nicer to you if they think you could be useful to them too, in some way. My father taught me to never be beholden to other people. Always return favours and even build up a few when you can. And I've known too many emotional spongers, who drain a person dry then move on to their next victim with their sob story of how hard life is. I don't want to be seen as one. being disabled with autistic kids, it's very easy for this to happen and I have to work even harder to prevent people getting this idea.</p><p></p><p>What I guess seems to have worked best - when difficult child 3 goes visiting, I go too. Not to stand over him and watch him, but to sit in the kitchen and chat with the friend's mother. I'm there if needed but that's only coincidence. If I feel it's OK, I might leave quietly for a while, go and do my washing then go back with maybe a recipe or knitting pattern to discuss with friend's mother. It keeps things very informal and it also give me the chance to say what I might need to say, after I've had a chance to get a 'feel' for the other person and what they can cope with.</p><p></p><p>Some people welcome difficult child 3 in, they even ask him to come over and play. Some kids do too - but most do not. Formerly close friends difficult child 3's age simply have moved on socially, while he has not. I don't blame them, but they relate to difficult child 3 as they would to a sometimes annoying but generally loved baby brother. They look out for him but live their own lives.</p><p></p><p>It's lonely a lot of the time, but this would still be happening if we were mainstreaming him - it might even be worse, with him being bullied more. But those kids who are his true friends - they are wonderful indeed and make up for everything else. We take what we can get and make opportunities where we can.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 56591, member: 1991"] This is a hard one. Not telling people is risky and they won't thank you for it. Also, not telling them is an immediate vote of no confidence in their abilities to cope with the information and support you, so those who WOULD be understanding may be less happy if you don't seem to trust them. But you are right to be concerned about throwing the information around too freely, because there IS stigma, and a lot of people CAN'T cope with the information. They worry that their little Johnny or Fiona would be tainted by contact with your defective child. Sometimes it's fairly obvious that this child is different. In those circumstances, you need to say something. I've known people to agonise over what to say to the parent of their child's friend, because they perceive something is wrong but the parents don't seem to want to acknowledge it. If they know it's being taken care of, these worries can go away. Someone with more specific experience may be able to help you more. For us, the problem is autism and we do tend to lean heavily on "different brain wiring", "communication disorder" and "inability to learn social interaction the usual way". We have to say something, because it's obvious to any adult who spends more than a few minutes around him. Some people can cope with the information and others can't. We stay away from those who can't, because this attitude DOES percolate down to their kids who often can be very cruel to those who are different or 'flawed'. You can often recognise these people before you ever need to say anything - they are often the ones who are fitness or health freaks but are motivated by personal fear of any infirmity. This doesn't mean avoid all people who eat sensibly and go jogging, just that a subset of this group are common offenders here. Or they are people who need to know exactly where they stand with others; preferably at the top. The social climbers, those who view status as all-important. Avoid them too. Also, say nothing to gossips. Say as little as possible and expect what you DO say to be broadcast, so make sure your message is brief and clear. Ask for confidentiality; just don't expect it. What we've done - we organised "Sixth Sense" at the school, I wrote a couple of articles in the local paper, and apart from that I talk to only those parents of other kids who really need to know. difficult child 3's best mate also has mild autism - it was the friendship of both boys that made the diagnosis clear in the young friend. These boys understand one another as nobody else seems to understand them. But friend's mother is a gossip - she just can't help herself - so I'm choosy about what I tell her. Just the facts, ma'am. We get on well but I make sure we're only talking about the weather, or politics, or the latest news about Paris Hilton (you get the drift). Mostly, I listen. Neighbours over the road - also gossips, but nice people. difficult child 3 plays there, too. They seem to understand him and are lovely with him. But because of "Sixth Sense" and my articles, although that was a few years ago, the general information is about town - "difficult child 3 is autistic, he's a bright boy but can react oddly." probably added to that is, "Watch out for his mother, she watches him like a hawk, she's a dragon." And I know a few people also value my activism, and use it when they need a hand. I make myself useful to those who ask for my help and don't interfere when my help is not wanted. It means I build up 'brownie points' so people are generally glad to see me, not running a mile because they think, "What does she want me to do for her NOW?" An occasional cake, packet of home-made biscuits or bottle of home-made jam can be a wonderful social lubricant, especially if you give it with no expectation of anything in return. How is this relevant? It sends a clear message, "I'm not a whinger who always leans on other people. I am productive too and I raise my kids the same way." People are nicer to you if they think you could be useful to them too, in some way. My father taught me to never be beholden to other people. Always return favours and even build up a few when you can. And I've known too many emotional spongers, who drain a person dry then move on to their next victim with their sob story of how hard life is. I don't want to be seen as one. being disabled with autistic kids, it's very easy for this to happen and I have to work even harder to prevent people getting this idea. What I guess seems to have worked best - when difficult child 3 goes visiting, I go too. Not to stand over him and watch him, but to sit in the kitchen and chat with the friend's mother. I'm there if needed but that's only coincidence. If I feel it's OK, I might leave quietly for a while, go and do my washing then go back with maybe a recipe or knitting pattern to discuss with friend's mother. It keeps things very informal and it also give me the chance to say what I might need to say, after I've had a chance to get a 'feel' for the other person and what they can cope with. Some people welcome difficult child 3 in, they even ask him to come over and play. Some kids do too - but most do not. Formerly close friends difficult child 3's age simply have moved on socially, while he has not. I don't blame them, but they relate to difficult child 3 as they would to a sometimes annoying but generally loved baby brother. They look out for him but live their own lives. It's lonely a lot of the time, but this would still be happening if we were mainstreaming him - it might even be worse, with him being bullied more. But those kids who are his true friends - they are wonderful indeed and make up for everything else. We take what we can get and make opportunities where we can. Marg [/QUOTE]
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