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How much do you share with others in town...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 56618" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Thanks, CAmom. I guess it's because so many of us are going through the same sort of thing.</p><p></p><p>Isla, welcome. I see you are a single mother who works outside the home - this could be why you didn't get to know so many people in the small towns where you've lived. Small towns can be like that - they can be welcoming and extremely friendly, or they can be polite but with closed doors. Or they can be the worst place on earth. Sometimes it's the town but mostly it's how you interact with it (and how your lifestyle/work/family lets you).</p><p></p><p>Ours is a small town. When we first moved here we were told we had a choice - we could join in and get heavily involved, or we could live a private life. Because husband & I were both working long hours, we couldn't have joined in if we'd wanted to. We got to know a handful of people only. Then when our life eased back a little, we got more involved and met more people. What we did was appreciated and brought us into contact with more people. </p><p>With several thousand people now the village is bigger than when we first moved here, I no longer know everyone. Also, a lot of newer arrivals are like we were - working long, hard hours and too busy to do more than sleep at home. Sometimes I feel more of a stranger now, especially with difficult child 3's schooling keeping me away from the usual social contact. But some things I've found don't change - people are basically selfish (human nature) and will always put their own families and own needs first. It's natural. And people will always tend to gossip. Even our best friends will be tempted. It's not necessarily done out of malice, it's just that MY personal information means more to me than to my friend. If I confide in my friend and DON'T clearly specify, "This is confidential," many friends will assume what I have passed to them is now "on the open market" and many gossips HATE being thought of as the last to know, or even not the first! So if there is something I really want to keep to myself, I don't even tell my best friend. That way, she doesn't have to guard her mouth on my behalf. I'm much more motivated to keep stumm than she is. It's natural.</p><p></p><p>But some things have to be shared, if we have to live side by side with these people. So I tell what I need to, to whom I need to, and hope.</p><p></p><p>Another small town problem (in some cases) - the local malicious gossip. This is a person who wishes you evil. They exist. They are motivated by an enjoyment of being in control of other people's fortunes; or by jealousy; or simply by the enjoyment of tinkering with other people's relationships. We've had two of these in our village in recent years. The only way to cope with them is to cut off their source of information about you, and to try to stay below their radar. These people are fairly rare, but when you have one interfering in your life you need to deal with it - find out what is motivating them, why they are attacking, then try to switch it off. I don't like the thought of having to 'back down' with people like this (I don't want them to think they've won, by driving my activities underground) but if you can stay below their radar they eventually lose interest and find other, more satisfying victims. Never confront, never show you are upset.</p><p></p><p>Just remember this - not all difficult children have parents like us. Not all difficult children grow up to be nice people. Not all difficult children have had appropriate intervention. So if you have to deal with a seriously disturbed, sociopathic adult difficult child, think Ross Greene. Put everything you can in Basket C and walk away.</p><p></p><p>I think that's the biggest small town worry.</p><p></p><p>Apart from that, be yourself, be true to yourself and value your life and your family, just as they are. That's where I place my trust in others around me that they will respect my honesty about our family's needs. And you're right, Isla, that when we do this we also help raise awareness, making the village a better place to raise our child. But before we can do this, those of us who have been burned have to learn who we can trust. If I ask for sympathy for a broken leg, I will get much more than if I ask for understanding because I have a brain injury. People can see the broken leg; there is a time limit on the disability (so they don't have to commit to long-term sympathy, they will be able to move on) but the brain injury is unknown, uncertain and could suck them in to more commitment than they feel they can afford to give, considering their own personal and family needs. People will avoid committing to support if it looks like being an indefinitely long period of time.</p><p></p><p>As I said before, it's natural. We take on what we feel a personal connection to, and we walk away from what we can't handle. If we didn't, we would go crazy (or crazier!).</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 56618, member: 1991"] Thanks, CAmom. I guess it's because so many of us are going through the same sort of thing. Isla, welcome. I see you are a single mother who works outside the home - this could be why you didn't get to know so many people in the small towns where you've lived. Small towns can be like that - they can be welcoming and extremely friendly, or they can be polite but with closed doors. Or they can be the worst place on earth. Sometimes it's the town but mostly it's how you interact with it (and how your lifestyle/work/family lets you). Ours is a small town. When we first moved here we were told we had a choice - we could join in and get heavily involved, or we could live a private life. Because husband & I were both working long hours, we couldn't have joined in if we'd wanted to. We got to know a handful of people only. Then when our life eased back a little, we got more involved and met more people. What we did was appreciated and brought us into contact with more people. With several thousand people now the village is bigger than when we first moved here, I no longer know everyone. Also, a lot of newer arrivals are like we were - working long, hard hours and too busy to do more than sleep at home. Sometimes I feel more of a stranger now, especially with difficult child 3's schooling keeping me away from the usual social contact. But some things I've found don't change - people are basically selfish (human nature) and will always put their own families and own needs first. It's natural. And people will always tend to gossip. Even our best friends will be tempted. It's not necessarily done out of malice, it's just that MY personal information means more to me than to my friend. If I confide in my friend and DON'T clearly specify, "This is confidential," many friends will assume what I have passed to them is now "on the open market" and many gossips HATE being thought of as the last to know, or even not the first! So if there is something I really want to keep to myself, I don't even tell my best friend. That way, she doesn't have to guard her mouth on my behalf. I'm much more motivated to keep stumm than she is. It's natural. But some things have to be shared, if we have to live side by side with these people. So I tell what I need to, to whom I need to, and hope. Another small town problem (in some cases) - the local malicious gossip. This is a person who wishes you evil. They exist. They are motivated by an enjoyment of being in control of other people's fortunes; or by jealousy; or simply by the enjoyment of tinkering with other people's relationships. We've had two of these in our village in recent years. The only way to cope with them is to cut off their source of information about you, and to try to stay below their radar. These people are fairly rare, but when you have one interfering in your life you need to deal with it - find out what is motivating them, why they are attacking, then try to switch it off. I don't like the thought of having to 'back down' with people like this (I don't want them to think they've won, by driving my activities underground) but if you can stay below their radar they eventually lose interest and find other, more satisfying victims. Never confront, never show you are upset. Just remember this - not all difficult children have parents like us. Not all difficult children grow up to be nice people. Not all difficult children have had appropriate intervention. So if you have to deal with a seriously disturbed, sociopathic adult difficult child, think Ross Greene. Put everything you can in Basket C and walk away. I think that's the biggest small town worry. Apart from that, be yourself, be true to yourself and value your life and your family, just as they are. That's where I place my trust in others around me that they will respect my honesty about our family's needs. And you're right, Isla, that when we do this we also help raise awareness, making the village a better place to raise our child. But before we can do this, those of us who have been burned have to learn who we can trust. If I ask for sympathy for a broken leg, I will get much more than if I ask for understanding because I have a brain injury. People can see the broken leg; there is a time limit on the disability (so they don't have to commit to long-term sympathy, they will be able to move on) but the brain injury is unknown, uncertain and could suck them in to more commitment than they feel they can afford to give, considering their own personal and family needs. People will avoid committing to support if it looks like being an indefinitely long period of time. As I said before, it's natural. We take on what we feel a personal connection to, and we walk away from what we can't handle. If we didn't, we would go crazy (or crazier!). Marg [/QUOTE]
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