how much would you tolerate?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by amy4129, Feb 24, 2007.

  1. amy4129

    amy4129 New Member

    Here's the question....
    husband has a female friend at work. I have met this girl(15 years younger than him) once. She came to our house so husband could fix her up with a friend of his. They came for dinner and didn't hit it off.
    Well now on a Sat night she called his cell phone at 10 pm I am less than pleased and really don't know what to think...
    Truthfully I have lots of thoughts but none are pleasant.
    I did ask and he states "they are friends".
    :sad:
    Amy
     
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Everyone reacts differently and has different tolerant levels.

    Did he take the call into another room? Does she call often or is this a first time or rare occassion?

    I'm not married now, but I wouldn't have a problem with it myself unless he felt the need to "have more privacy" on the phone or if he started to confide in her things he wouldn't, or felt couldn't, tell me.

    If she is calling a lot, I think it would be time to talk to husband. Let him know how you feel about it.
     
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It sounds like either you are insecure about yourself or your level of trust is not where it should be with husband.

    Talk to him.
     
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    My ex always had tons of female friends at work but none of them ever called him at 10:00 on a Saturday night about personal business. You can bet your booty I'd be asking him what it was about...but I would make this first conversation very "light" and non-threatening. Then, I would keep eyes and ears open...

    Suz
     
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ahhhh....this goes into what I call the "it depends" category. My husband has tons of acquaintances that he meets everywhere. He is a friendly guy. Not many of them have his cell phone number but a few do. I have had people tell me I was crazy to "let" him talk to these women but honestly I dont worry.

    I have met most of these people. Believe me I know they have no ulterior motives...they are just friends or coworkers.

    You have met this woman, do you think she has ulterior motives? Or do you think it could have been an innocent call? 10 pm isnt all that late anymore in todays circle it seems. Maybe she needed a friend to listen. Maybe she sees him as a father figure or a big brother...lol. Heck maybe she needed the number to AAA and there wasnt a phone book handy.
     
  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I guess it's a matter of your self esteem plus the state of your marriage.

    I know that husband has a couple of old friends (women) that he corresponds with on a regular basis. As to friends in the workplace - it's never bothered me.

    I've learned a long time ago, that when husband is spending time alone in his office or corresponding with an old friend, he's generally working things out in his mind. I know that he'll come back to me - with our marriage in tact.

    I don't know if this helps or hurts.

    I'm sorry that you're feeling so unsure of things. :flower:
     
  7. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Amy -- I'm going to send you a PM in a minute.

    Sue
     
  8. amy4129

    amy4129 New Member

    Thanks guys. I did speak with husband last night and then again this am and we are in a much better place. We both have friends that are opposite sex. It has never been an issue before.
    There was something tripping my radar so to speak but it is handled. That is not to say I just won't keep my eyes and ears opened.
    Thanks
    Amy
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Amy, you're more secure than me :smile: I'd feel funny if hub had lady friends (fortunately, because of of that, he's a guy's guy). I don't feel right hanging with men either, unless hub is with me. Of course, I'm older :smile: and maybe more of a prude this way. If something doesn't smell right, I'd trust my instinct and maybe ask him if he can cool it with this particular friend. good luck!
     
  10. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Amy, I think what you did was right on. You don't want to "police" your husband. There has to be trust but I not going to be the last one to know if something is going on.
    Having friends of the opposite sex is the norm. Calling at 10PM at night is inappropriate and throws up red flags all over the place.
    It's much more suspicious because she is single. She should know it is inappropriate and should go the extra mile to put your mind at ease by not exhibiting provacative behaviors.

    I'm glad husband is on board with you and has talked to you about it. He is the one who made the committment not her. It's his job to reassure you by his behavior that there is no reason for concern.


    Something similar happened about 23yrs ago with husband. His co worker(actually his supervisor) was going through a divorce. She would sit and talk to husband and started calling the house. I was not a happy girl. :nonono: husband is usually oblivious but he understood my concern and how it would appear to co workers as well as me. He nipped it in the bud.
     
  11. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I was thinking like Midwest Mom.
    although your hubby may think nothing of it, this woman could be forming an emotional attachment to your husband. she could be needy. he could feel sympathetic. although innocent..what is worrisome is where it could lead.

    I speak from a recent experience. see my post about emotional affairs. I will post it in a minute.
     
  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Just as an aside...I tried to fix my H up with my best friend years ago while I was still married to my exh (we didn't get together until after my divorce by the way). Niether was interested in other. However, I must have had an underlying attraction even way back then!

    I'm glad your talk went well, but keep your radar up, it probably didn't trip for nothing. Hugs~
     
  13. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    I think you handled it well. 10pm is completely innappropriate. I would nip that one in the bud.

    I have friends of the opposite sex but they don't call at all hours and my SO knows them all.

    Steph
     
  14. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yes, exactly. I have friends of the opposite sex and my H knows and is friendly with them all. And H is also friendly with some other women, but he makes it my business as well as his own. That is as it should be.
     
  15. amy4129

    amy4129 New Member

    Thanks everyone. Yet again your support has made a difference.
    love
    Amy
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Like to add my closest friend started out having just a friendship with a man. The attraction wasn't there at first, but it grew. They ended up sneaking around (not having sex, but everything but) for TEN years and her husband never knew. Because it is so easy for a spark to fly when you're friends with somebody of the opposite sex, I always avoided it and expected my hubs ( had two...lol) to also avoid it. Both of them agreed--it was not even an issue we had to talk about. Although I divorced hub 1, it had nothing to do with cheating. I do think it's risky. I think there are plenty of cool people of our own sex to hang with. JMO
     
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I got chatting to an older man (he was using a scooter like mine) in the shopping centre. I mentioned that I give writing workshops sometimes and he talked to me about writing up some of his stories of travels when he was younger. I offered to help and gave him my card. I did have the kids with me, there were crowds around, I thought nothing of it.

    Then he rang, late one evening. husband answered the phone and was NOT happy. I quickly explained it was a nice old man I'd been talking to at he shops and a possible client. husband said (and he was right), "10 pm is not an appropriate time for a client to call." husband knew he didn't have to worry about me looking elsewhere, but HIS radar had been tripped.

    I took the call. My friend from the mall said, "You never told me you were married!"
    I replied, "You didn't ask - I didn't think it was relevant."
    Turns out the poor man had misconstrued our conversation, had read more into it than he should have because he's so lonely. We only ever had one more conversation after that and by that time his boundaries were clearly defined. He was just about to go back into the psychiatric ward at the hospital, he wasn't in a good state. Turns out the poor man is also bipolar, which could have explained why he misread the signals.

    I've seen him at the shopping centre since but I haven't spoken to him. I haven't ignored him but also I haven't actually gone up to him either. It's a big shopping centre and I think he embarrassed himself, he probably wouldn't remember me now. I think easy child 2/difficult child 2 serves him in the shop sometimes, but he wouldn't know her, either.

    And what he was initially looking for from me - it didn't involve a book. He was looking for friendship, sure, but FEMALE companionship - but he wasn't into poaching. He was honourable.

    I'm not a poacher or a strayer either, but I do enjoy talking to male friends, providing they don't view me as anything other than a friend. They don't make that mistake twice. husband was one of my male friends for several years before we 'found' each other. I do find, though, that it's important for me to make sure I'm also friends with the wives and partners of any male friends, or they get the wrong idea. And so do their men. By making obvious friends with the wives, I'm sending a clear message to the men that I'm not interested in anything more than a friendly chat. But generally the topics I like to discuss with the men are ones that not many women are interested in or want to talk about. When I find a female friend with the same interests as me, I often find someone in the same boat when it comes to friendships and misunderstandings, and we cling to each other for regular chats.

    Marg
     
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, Marg...lol. That happened to me at the health club where I talk to many elderly men. I'm not so young myself, but people always think I'm much younger. I think the key is to make it clear you are happily married, not do any flirting at all, and walk away if the vibes you're getting seem to be flirtateous. I like to talk to the men at the health club (although I don't even know half their names) because I'm a HUGE football fan and women mostly aren't. But I wouldn't give them my phone number, go out to eat with them, or stretch it beyond chit chatting on the treadmill. Hey, I don't believe in cheating, but I'm not infalliable. I've worked with men I've been attracted to who seemed to be attracted to me, and I found myself thinking about them when I was home at night--not good--but normal. Therefore, my male friends are limited to the gym, much older than me, and nobody I find attractive, and it never extends to outside the Y. Why risk my lovely family? If my hub crossed the boundaries and started hanging with women I'd tell him to stop or to say good-bye to me. but he never has. Neither did my first hub. I'm not judging anyone else, but my own instincts tell me that it's better not to have the same kinds of friendships with a male that you have with your female friends. I always think of my friend, who started out just friends with the man who she became involved with for so long--she felt very guilty about it, but couldn't stop seeing him, and her husband never guessed it went beyond friendship!!! All this is just my opinion and without judgement :smile:
     
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