How parenting difficult child changes your perspective

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SuZir, Oct 24, 2012.

  1. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Many of you have probably noticed Autumn Pasquale case (twelve year old New Jersey girl who went missing and was found dead in bin). Such a tragic case and has gotten some exposure also around here and we were talking about it today with my workmates during our coffee break. Mostly about the fact how nonsensical it is that two teen kids kill a other kid because of the bike and how awful it has to be for girls parents not only her being murdered but her being murdered because of something so minuscule.

    While others agreed that also the culprits' parents are probably feeling awful, I was the only one who really had great sympathy for them. At least as much as for the parents of the girl. Of course I don't know what kind of parents they are and I do know that many major difficult children have deadbeat or at least severely troubled parents (environmental factors do influence the gfgness after all), but still. Most have probably tried their best (their best may not be satisfactory if they happen to be difficult children themselves, but it may still be their best) and many are good parents in every measurement, many are even great parents, but still things happen. The story also said that the mother of the boys tipped police after something she noticed in her sons' Facebook or something. I can't even imagine what she is going through right now and I just hope that somehow she will be able to live on, but that has to be almost impossible to do.
  2. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Yes, I agree SuZir. While pain cannot be quantified, and is certainly not some kind of "competition", in a sense the parents of the boys who killed Autumn are more to be pitied. Because their pain and grief will not be validated by those around them or by society at large.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    We had a disgruntled employee go into a small business and kill several people recently and the news had his father on. My heart broke for him.

    I've always said its easier to get the calls that someone hit Q than that he hit someone else.

    I even feel sad for the one who did it, not that he didnt deserve serious consequences. But sad for what brought him to that place be it mental illness or whatever. Sometimes when they kill themselves after my is heart almost relieved. I know that's sick. I wish we had better help for the more challenging, less sympathetic, but equally valuable among us. So many fall through the cracks and I realize it's complicated (laws and human rights make it so we generally can't drug people or house them against their will--for good.reason but sometimes there's no common sense.... ) I just wish there were ways to stop the madness. This dad said his son had mental illness. So very sad.
  4. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    My understanding is that the mother of the teen boys became suspicious and called police. My heart breaks for her. She will now forever be known as the mother of murderers, many will blame her. She receives a life sentence imposed by society. And the victim's family... I can't imagine what they are going through and will continue to suffer with for the rest of their lives.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Remember the man who shot kids in the Amish school? They made a movie about it. Many of the Amish families actually showed up at the offender's funeral in support of his family and in forgiveness. That's amazing to me. I doubt I would be able to do that. The father I referred to apologized over and over and though explained some did not excuse. I do think that makes a difference. This man brought his family to the USA for a better life, how sad.
  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Bless the Mom who suspected something she saw on FB and tipped of the police, even though it meant her sons would be arrested. She did the right thing. I don't think anyone in their community would have harsh words for the mom for doing that. What a sad case - the little girl's birthday is coming up this Monday. How sick to lure someone - that's premeditation. They probably panicked and figured she'd tell on them so they felt they had to silence her by strangling her. Putting her body in their garbage can is beyond disturbing...then talking about it on FB is inconceivable. Sick. A person's life for a stupid bicycle - sick, sick, sick.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is just awful. To be on either side is an awful place to be in my opinion. I do think we have done our mentally ill an injustice by just closing the doors to institutions and throwing everyone out on the streets. That wasnt the answer especially when at the same time the country was cutting mental health services. Exactly what did we think was going to happen? It didnt take rocket scientists to figure it out. Im pretty sure 5th graders could have figured out the outcome.

    One thing I have noticed when watching so many of these trials, and I watch a ton of them on TV, is that most of the people who commit the crimes have not received long term therapy and treatment as kids. Most of them are kids or adults that the neighbors say are quiet or not noticeable at all. Once in a while you will get one that people will say was an odd duck but none of them are kids that have been in treatment and its just failed time and time again. That gives me hope that most of the kids we know arent serial killers in the making. Other issues...sure.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is a tragedy all around. The mother of the boys will spend her life wondering what she could/should have done to raise her boys so that they didn't do this. The parents of Autumn will always wonder what they could/should have done to prevent this. The mother who turned the boys in will likely have them blaming her for the rest of their lves for their actions, wrong as that is.

    The boys' mom did the very hard thing, probably the hardest thing, by calling the police. Now society is going to want to tear her apart to figure out how to blame her parenting for the boys' actions. the reality of whatever she did or didn't do won't matter. It will be labelled as one thing and will always be remembered that way, even if it is totally incorrect.

    I hope the moms will both be able to receive support as they both lost their children when Autumn was taken.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I did not read the entire article ... too painful, too many stories like that ... but after reading this thread, I applaud the mother. That must have been so terrifying and difficult to call the police, and she absolutely did the right thing. Anyone who criticizes her ought to burn in h*ll. Better yet, in an alternate universe, they should have to change places with-the mom.
    What a tragic story.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    And in regard to your subject heading, SuZir, I agree, this entire journey with-difficult child has totally changed my perspective. If I could go back and do it all again, I would love to have had an easier life with-a perfectly happy, well adjusted child. But now when I see kids in the grocery store who are totally out of control, or parents weaving down the road with-a kid climbing over the front seat, I know exactly what they are going through and I am willing to help. (Too willing, actually. I have to learn to detach, lol!)
    There is no way I could have understood any of these things with-o living with-my difficult child.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I actually don't think (thankfully) that this woman will be villified by all forever. We have a great big country. She can move and nobody will remember her in a few much goes on. I don't remember her last name already and I can't be the only one. The fact that she can hide is her only saving grace, because one can not hide from oneself and, as a caring human being, which I'm sure she is, this will haunt her forever. I personally don't blame parents when kids do the horrendous, such as killing. No parent teachers a child to kill, unless he/she did that too.

    When I hear children screaming in stores and people make comments and roll their eyes, I get very defensive inside of me. I had a cashier tell me once, regarding a crying child, "What a spoiled brat. Every time he's in here, all he does is scream and scream. You'd think his mother would do something about it." I told her that maybe something was wrong with him and she shook her head and said, "Yeah, he's a spoiled brat."

    I really get upset when people judge both parents and kids. They have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
  12. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I was just thinking this after reading that a 17 year old boy was arrested for the Jessica Ridgeway murder in Colorado. I am heartbroken for her parents and have been since her disappearance and the greusome discovery of her body. After reading that the suspect confessed to his mother, my heart goes out to her as well. I cannot imagine the pain of knowing your child is capable of something like this.