Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Janna, Mar 12, 2009.

  1. Janna

    Janna New Member

    So, I make my nightly call to D. This is only day 4 :anxious: by the way.

    He starts off telling me how roomie stole his MP3 player today. The kid claimed his mom sent it to him. D confronted him, staff took them in a room together, and D showed them the photos he had stored in there that were OBVIOUSLY not roomie's, cuz they were of D and us LOL!

    I hear staff screaming at D from across the room about talking about other people. I'm thinking to myself, ok...whatever.

    Ask him how his day was. He says good, a staff lady, Miss M or something or other, took him to the zoo. This staff guy must have heard D tell me and heard Miss M's name and, again, starts yelling from across the room. I have this thought running through my mind, like ***?

    He tells me he fed the rabbits, held them, etc. I'm like, ok, cool!

    So, I ask him if he's been sleeping, BECAUSE, since night 1, roomie has some type of continuing Intermittent Explosive Disorder throughout the evening, and D cannot sleep. First night he got 2 hrs. 2nd night, 3 hours. He's weepy, exhausted, and has had a migraine the last 2 nights. He tells me that roomie is making noise, all night long, and the phone goes dead.

    I can't get back through to residence. I immediately called therapist and left message with him.

    Now, I can understand if he's telling me about other kids behaviors. Not only do I not care, it's not appropriate, and I'd understand getting a concerning call if this was an issue. But this concerns MY SON, his SLEEP, which leads to his well being.

    Am I overreacting? Is this typical for Residential Treatment Facility (RTF)? Because, I'm sitting here thinking, if my son cannot express ANY concerns to me - what are THEY hiding? Am I paranoid?

    I'm angry atm. :mad:
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It would definitely raise some red flags for me. I especially don't like that you can't get back in touch with the residence. I hope you get a decent explanation soon. Hugs.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    This is scaring me, since I'm still trying to get my son into Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I like the idea that Steely or someone brought up before- make a code phrase with your son when you see him privately so he can tell you over the phone if something is seriously wrong.
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    make a code phrase with your son when you see him privately so he can tell you over the phone if something is seriously wrong.

    Great idea.

    I can see where all of the residents need their privacy, but I can also see how you cannot keep kids from talking. Plus, he didn't tell you his roommate's name, right? So he's just telling a story about a person you're never going to meet.
    Definitely, discuss it at the next mtng. You have mtngs, right?
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Staff must have known D was talking to you. After all, I don't think a 12 year old would call anyone but mom and dad? If staff did not like what was going on, they should have taken the phone and explain to you what subjects are not allowed. To attempt to discipline on their end and leaving you in the dark is not acceptable - you are the parent, you needd to know what staff are trying to accomplish. To hang up on you is not professional at all. You need to ask the charge nurse about this the next time you visit.
  6. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    you have every right to be mad. This raises some big red flags for me as well.

    1) If D. is using the phone inappropriately, the staff should request the phone to speak with you directly, and explain the situation

    2) Staff should not be shouting at residents while they're on the phone, clearly listening in to the conversation. Doesn't demonstrate appropriate boundaries at all.

    3) You should be hearing about incidents such as the stolen iPOD and whatever discipline was delivered, from staff, not from your son. If your son's comments were the first you'd heard of it, I would be worried that there are other things they're not telling you.

    4) Same as (3) for your son's roommate's Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). If your son's sleep is being interrupted because of roommate's issues, the staff should be alerting you, and as a team you should be coming up with a solution. Either move your son or the other boy to a different room, or something. Again, hearing about this from your son, but not from staff is of concern.

    I would make a list of all of the things that are concerning you, and raise all of the issues at your next staffing meeting. If you can get a meeting sooner than the next scheduled one, then I would go that route. If you con group your concerns into categories, and then make a bulleted list under each category it will help you to keep your thoughts organized, and to make sure that you come across clearly and objectively in the meeting.

    Grrrr. I would be furious too!

  7. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    My daughter has been in 3 rtcs and NO this is not out of the ordinary. There will always be certain staff members who are more abrasive and less empathetic then others. I have had several meetings, arguments and more than a few times have been downright nasty and yelling, threatening to the staff at all of the facilities that my daughter was in. What I did notice was the children who didn't have family or outside support were definitley treated worse than the kids who did have support. So make yourself known to the staff, show them that this child has a support system and they will be held accountable. I would definitely bring up the sleeping issue. Of course the roomate has a valid problem however, your son needs his sleep. In my opinion that child should have his own room so that he will not disturb the others. Again, not his fault but they should make it so that all of the children are as comfortable as possible.

    I know how frustrating it is to get these people on the phone. You might have to be a pain in the you know what to get what you need. I have had several arguments with staff members over the years. I let them know right off the bat that my daughter's mother has a big mouth and will not take no carp from them! At the same time I have also been known to be roped into my daughter's manipulation, gone to the school, made a fool of myself only to find out later that what I was freaking out about turned out to be my daughter's fault. So just be careful. You know your child and you know when he is telling the truth. I look at it this way, better to be wrong then to take the chance that someone is mistreating your child. It also helps if you could gain a friendship with the therapist or a supervisor. I was very close to a couple of them and it made it much easier. It's always good to have an ally!

    Good luck. :)
  8. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Trinity, thank you! Thank you everyone.

    I made my list.

    Bran, that is a concern, too - the manipulation. D obviously exaggerates when he wants to. But, I could just tell by his demeanor, his exhaustion, his weepiness, this wasn't manipulative. He's very, very upset.

    Left message with therapist but didn't hear back today. I'll be speaking with whoever answers the phone (staff) tonight.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Even if D was making it all up, if it was all fiction - you shouldn't have been hearing people yelling at him from across the room, and you shouldn't hve been cut off like that by a staff member. Someone should have taken the phone and spoken to you at the very least, before hanging up.

    How are the kids to learn proper phone manners, if the people around them (adults in responsibility especially) do not show by their example?

  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Janna, the phone call sounds so very familiar ~ at least with wm's group when he was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). kt's group was run differently & was much calmer (different staff) even though they were both in the same facility.

    It's not uncommon for some of this to go on. I used to get all up in arms over this kind of nonsense but usually found out it was the fault of one of the other residents & the staff were just burnt for the night. When there was a disconnect I called back & checked in with staff & then spoke with whichever tweedle was in at the time.

    Heck, I hear comments every time wm & I talk over the phone & he's in a therapeutic group home. Foster mum cannot/ will not hold back her negative comments. Both wm & I have learned to ignore it & carry on with our conversation. I generally talk with foster mum afterward.

    I'm not trying to disqualify your concerns ~ just don't let it eat you up.
  11. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Well, here's what I got -

    Staff member was having a bad night.

    Yes, that's the excuse given to me. My reply was "he should have called in sick".

    It wasn't staff that d/c the phone, rather the roomie D was complaining about, because he was angry D was telling me the boy was keeping him up at night.


    Wellllllllllllllllll - here come MORE questions. I wrote them all down for therapist. I did speak with another staff regarding Mr. Notfeelinggood - he is going to send a complaint in. I didn't really *want* that, no need burning bridges already - but he's doing it because he felt it was unnecessary (all the yelling truly was).

    Thanks, Linda. I always, always take your advice to heart. I'm not letting it get to me, but just letting them know MY eyes and ears are open, and I have been known to fight the good fight a time or two :)