How should I have handled this so I know better next time?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Jul 28, 2014.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A very dear friend of my daughter Jumper threw her a huge graduation party. She has a pool, volleyball nets, a hot tub, you name it. It's like having a party at a hotel. She also baked the cake and it was delish. I love this young adult friend of Jumpers. She is very rich and acts just like you and me and I hope she and Jumper are friends forever. I had a rather uncomfortable moment with her father at the party, however, and I really did not know how to handle it. Nor did my husband or daughter Jumper, who was with us because she was running home to get something.

    Obviously the father, who I also like very much...after all he agreed to do all this for my kid, was drunk. I rarely am around people who are drunk and am not sure how to handle them when they get inappropriate. Remember, we all love this man and he adores my daughter. In fact, he ran out to say good-bye to us when we were leaving, and put his arm around Jumper a nd started going on and on and on about what a wonderful young lady she was and an asset to society and that she could come to him anytime for help if she needed it, blah, blah, blah. He was slurring his words and was not touching Jumper in any way that alarmed anybody, including Jumper, who felt uncomfortable, but was sort of laughing as she said, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

    This man is a single dad, but again I am sure he is never inappropriate with Jumper and frankly Jumper is strong enough and smart enough and mature enough to handle anyone who tries to be inappropriate with that doesn't worry us at all.

    He wouldn't stop talking. He wouldn't let us leave. We wanted to leave. We were getting bitten up by bugs. The few adults there were drunk. He kept offering us drinks. We don't drink. He kept saying "Oh, stay, and we'll have fun." We couldn't. We're packing and moving in less than a week and this was a day off my husband had and Jumper was waving us to go home...she didn't need us there.

    The question is: How do you get away from somebody who is drunk but really a kind person who has done a lot for you? Normally, I think we all would have just said "Well, see ya later" but this was an unusual situation. I threw it out to my co-workers at work and got different answers, many about how my husband should have punched him for touching Jumper.

    He wasn't touching Jumper other than to put his arm around was not like that. So, assuming you folks understand that, what is the kindest way to disengage from somebody you really like who is drunk? We must have been standing there for forty-five minutes, not knowing how to leave, knowing he didn't want us to leave, knowing the adults there were just going to get drunker which really made us not want to stay. I have learned that when adults are drinking, they try to get you to drink and if you don't, it causes everyone to be least that has been my experience. Maybe I'm wrong.

    Do people who are drunk take offense more easily? Should we just have made our excuses and left? How do you handle this?
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It can be tricky. I would have had trouble in that situation. I am very uncomfortable around drunk people.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is a sticky situation but honestly what I would have done is something like this:

    Hey, John, thanks so much for all you are doing for Jumper and we sure wish we could stay and have fun at the party but we are moving in less than a week and this is my husband's only day off to help me pack. Im sure you know how hard that is! Again, thanks so much for all this...Jumper and friend are so lucky to have each other.

    Bye now!

    Then I would have gotten in my car and backed out while waving madly
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  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    You probably live a part of the country where everybody is nice and polite.( I live in NJ and we are always amazed when we go down south how nice everyone acts. People make small talk and say thank you when you buy things.) I would just keep walking and say,''Okay, bye, you have a good night". I'm sorry, who cares,we are out of there!
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I live in mid-Wisconsin, but was brought up in cold, we-say-it-like-it-is Chicago. And usually I do (as you can tell by my posts), however this man went over-the-top for my daughter. I felt terrible both that I had to see somebody I respect and like acting so foolish and also having to finally blow him off, even though it was his house and he had thrown her a party she was not going to have since she decided late to have one and we are moving to an apartment in four days.

    I do not hang around drunk people. I don't enjoy drunk people.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He was probably having fun. I dont mind fun drunk people. I hate sloppy and mean drunks. I hate having to worry that a fight is gonna break out at any time. But just someone having a few too many at his own party wouldnt bother me.

    And yes, UAN, I am We do talk to EVERYONE about anything all the time. Down here you simply dont meet a stranger. We might not know you but you will be Hun, Sweetie, Darlin, or baby at some point in time.
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Ugh, I hate that... But yeah, there's no good way except to say you have to go and then do it.

    Happy drunks are okay, but... They're still uncomfortable.
  8. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Janet, I bought a generator in your town once! LOL,on my way home from FL. It was during hurricane Sandy, they were sold out in our area. These 2 boys from Home Depot were so NICE, and polite and friendly. They loaded it into our car with a smile and were so sweet. It was about ten minutes after closing and husband was banging on the locked door yelling, "Please Help". Truly, everywhere we went it was like this there. The accent down south is so heavy I could only catch every other or third word though. It was a very cool accent.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't think drunks are funny either way. Never seen a mean drunk since we stay away from drinkers and bars. This guy to me was making a big fool out of himself and wouldn't stop talking. I'd have a lot more friends if I could tolerate drunk people, but I can't. Once they start saying goofy stuff, I'm outta there. If the party had been at our house probably no adults would have shown up because we don't have any I always wonder why some people think they have to drink to have fun. Then they get angry when t heir adult kids drink too much or use other drugs that make them feel good, just like alcohol makes THEM feel good. Ah, well.
    Next time, if it happens, it won't be with somebody I care about and I can just be Chicago blunt and say, "We're leaving now. See you later!" :)
    Janet, this man was so far gone I doubt he'll remember the "fun" he was having in the morning and will instead be nursing a hangover, another reason I don['t get why some people think it's fun to drink. I mean...isn't drinking a lot like our k ids doing drugs? It always seems that way to me when I see a drunk crowd as a sober person.
  10. jugey

    jugey Active Member

    If he's as drunk as you describe, he's impossible to offend and as you say, he won't really remember what was said. Be true to yourself and get the heck outta there with a quick thank you and see ya!!
  11. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    MWM, I know exactly what you mean and I completely agree with you! I HATE to be around drunk people! I just refuse to do it! I don't mind being around people who are drinking as long as it's not to excess and it doesn't show on them. But when people start acting stupid or get mean or silly or irresponsible ... makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable and I'm outta there!

    I grew up with an alcoholic father. Some of my worst childhood memories are of being afraid, or being embarrassed to tears when he would go off on a drunken rant at family gatherings or in front of friends. Then, in my infinite wisdom, I married a guy who "drank too much" and in a few years he had become a mean rage-filled alcoholic. I actually spent twenty years with that man while his drinking damaged us all. I just have never "got it" about drinking. Why do people think they are so funny or so charming when they are drinking? They just look stupid and silly, or they start fights, then they get in their cars and try to drive and end up killing people! And I really resent being with someone who is drinking to the point that they are not in control of themselves and basically transferring that responsibility to ME and I don't want it! I have had my fill of trying to talk people out of driving or taking away car keys! I just have no desire to be around that at all! And I can't even imagine ever allowing myself to get in a condition where I can't take responsibility for myself! There is NOBODY that I trust enough to be responsible for me but ME!
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    donna, you and I are rare. For whatever reason, it is totally acceptable for adults to act like complete fools, to hit on the wives of others, to say inappropriate things in front of children and to make fools of themselves if it is only because of drinking. I'm fine if somebody has a beer or two and is sober, but it seems that many adults really enjoy these drinking parties and excuse the behavior. And then they get ticked off if their kids act giggly and silly on pot or something else. I have been around pot smokers. Yes, they are boring, but I think drunks are worse. Give me a choice by putting a gun to my head (because I'd rather be around the sober) and I will pick the pot smokers. At least they are not loud, obnoxious and/or sexually inappropriate.

    Wisconsin is the second largest drinking state in the country. I believe only Massachusetts has more drinkers. I shudder thinking about those who drink and hunt (it's also a hunting state).

    I just don't get the fun of it. If I did, maybe I'd understand the "fun" of illegal drug use. To me, the only difference is that one is legal and one isn't. Maybe there should be a separate thread on this :)
  13. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    MWM, I agree with everything you said. I never got the "fun" of it either. I don't mind being around moderate drinkers who just have one or two. But I will never understand what is so much "fun" about drinking yourself in to oblivion, acting like an idiot, and putting yourself and others in danger! These people use being drunk as an excuse for their inappropriate behavior. As for the graduation party, I wouldn't worry about it. If he was that drunk, he probably doesn't remember what he said or what you said or what anybody else said either!
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    If you were uncomfortable with him it was for good reason and likely not just because he was drunk. I don't know why people feel the need to question their instincts.

    Here is my take and you can take it or leave it. However I have much experience and I read people very well, drunk or sober. You also have to keep in mind that drunk you're inhibitions are lowered.

    I would be uncomfortable if he did more than a brief hug of my daughter. Actually, I might have punched him if he'd done more than a brief hug. At best he was being inappropriate and over stepping boundaries. A bit too touchy / feely.

    You have to realize that for many people they have two faces, one they show the public and one they own in private. This guy might be generous to a fault........but very easily he might be generous because it makes people believe they "owe" him so that when he steps out of line they dismiss it because "he is such a kind and generous guy". In short (because I don't have time to drag this out and explain in detail) the kind generous over the top routine is a cover for more sinister behavior......that whole Jumper can come to him any time for help and the over the top praise sent up that red flag......because it was over the top, over done. Know what I mean??

    Nichole had a friend in HS a sweet quiet girl being raised with her sisters by her dad. Dad is a popular man, especially with teens and pre teens, and runs a teen hang out place in the old movie theater in town. Above board place. Always asking Nichole to spend the night.......blah blah blah.........Kat usually stayed here, I don't recall Nichole staying there more than once. Then Nichole has Aubrey. Suddenly we have over the top requests to "help" with the baby......oh please let us babysit blah blah blah. Of course it was all surrounded by Nichole needing support yadda yadda. Yeah. That lasted twice and I put a stop to it. I explained to Nichole that there was something very odd.........and well, my instincts screamed danger, forget inappropriate (which it was, Nichole had more than enough support from her family) Nichole was mad but she stopped letting them take Aubrey. Not too long after.........Kat gets away from her Dad and the truth comes out........and yeah. Nothing happened to Aubrey because Kat wouldn't let her out of her sight because she knew her dad all too well.......but Kat also didn't have the courage to tell Nichole the truth from the beginning. Know what I mean??

    This friends dad seems like the generous with obligations attached type at the very least. If he has a victim, no one is going to believe the victim because this dude is so wonderful to the public. I've seen it too many times, doesn't matter if they're filthy rich, middle class, or even poor. Same MO.....and often, too often it works. by the way by putting his arm around Jumper and holding on long after it was appropriate was his laying claim to her in body language. Him doing so in front of her parents was a nonverbal message......See? Even your parents see nothing wrong with my claim on you.

    This is why all of you were uncomfortable with his behavior. It had not so much to do with him being drunk.

    Jumper is a strong girl, yes. But it can be awfully hard to stand up to your good friends dad.....especially when he has bend over backward and done so much for you. Even if you're right to do so, it feels like you're stabbing them both in the back. Very hard for people to get past.

    You yourself found it extremely difficult and felt trapped and you're older and more experienced. I would really sit down and discuss this with Jumper.
  15. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I've been around a lot of drunks in my day and I've found that being the sober one around a bunch of them is really irritating. I would just tell him goodbye very politely, maybe make an excuse, and then leave; walk away even if he is still talking. If he's drunk, he probably won't remember anyway and if he remembers anything it will just be that he saw you and said goodbye. Drunks aren't really thinking so we don't have to overthink how to deal with them. As long as he's friendly, you be too but then just walk away.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think he's a good guy when sober and was not at all trying to be inappropriate. I know him pretty well and so does Jumper.

    Yeah, I don't get drunk so I guess I don't realize how little somebody that drunk remembers. I do know his behavior made JUmper say in the car afterward, as she laughed, "Drunk people act so STUPID." I guess that was a good thing.