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How to deal with the constant obsessing/fixation?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 43523" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>MWM, I also was thinking that something on the autism spectrum sounded possible. </p><p></p><p>This "neediness" - we found you can't deflect; you can't block it; you can't shout it down; you can't do much of anything, except go with the flow. Support them through the necessary reality check.</p><p></p><p>Even easy child did this at times. She would want stuff, I would say no, she would accuse me of being mean, I would explain that things cost money and I didn't have enough money. She then said, "You have plenty of money, I just saw you get some out of that wall."</p><p></p><p>I explained that I had got money from the bank and I needed to use all of that money to buy food. She looked a bit sceptical - that's a lot of food. I explained that I had to plan ahead and make sure we had enough of everything we needed. I got out my shopping list and showed her. We went shopping and I showed her the final bill. Of course while we were shopping she wanted stuff but we have a strict rule - if it's not on the shopping list, we don't get it. And while that rule does get bent at times ("Blast! I forgot to put muesli on the shopping list, I opened the last packet this morning!") the rule didn't get broken for kids saying, "While we're here, can I have that toy?"</p><p></p><p>After the grocery shopping and especially the meat shopping, I showed her the dockets for everything and talked about the numbers. How much money is left?</p><p></p><p>Most of the time this was enough. There were times especially early on, when she said, "OK, go back to the wall and get more money, it's got plenty."</p><p></p><p>THEN I had to explain how it will stop giving me money if I use more than I've put in. "The money is only there because I put it in. I can't use more money than I was able to put in. The money that does get put in has to last us until I get more money. If I buy you a toy, we might have to miss a meal later in the week. You might be prepared to do that but your brother and sister wouldn't."</p><p></p><p>It's tedious to explain it, but it is worth the effort. It also stops YOU being the big bad mean ogre not buying them toys. Basically, blame the bank.</p><p></p><p>It's harder for difficult children. Kids on the spectrum who are really obsessing find it hard to accept anything blocking their access to "what they need". You need some fancy footwork to avoid being in the firing line. A tantrum is almost inevitable, but if it is railing against the universe it's still preferable to the child railing at you. I ignore it, as much as I can, or sympathise with, "yeah, kid, life sucks. You want a toy, I want a Ferrari."</p><p></p><p>Seriously, I have also often walked difficult child 3 through my bank statements and bills, to show him how expensive life can be when you have to take responsibility for EVERY expense, big or small.</p><p></p><p>Then we come to the flip side - "How can I get what I want?"</p><p>Because after you've explained everything, they still come back to, "gimme."</p><p></p><p>That's when we set up our own saving plan. Is he going to be patient enough to save? Is he going to want to earn extra money?</p><p></p><p>We brought in another system we call the "family shop". Example from easy child again - she was collecting Sylvania Families, little dolls house creatures and furniture. She always wanted more. Every time we were out, she wanted to buy more.</p><p>Each of our kids gets pocket money (or did, until they are old enough to earn their own money). They get $1 a week per year of age, half of which goes into the bank. They can only access bank money to buy a present for someone (birthday or Christmas). The rest - not given in hand, but written up on a "Mum and Dad owe me..." sheet. If we knew how much was on the sheet when we went shopping, and we knew easy child could afford the next stick of furniture, we would buy it if she asked. But once the money is spent, she has to save up again.</p><p>But if there's a sale... we would buy ONE extra item and put it "in the family shop". That way she got to take advantage of the sale long after the price went back up (or the item went out of stock).</p><p></p><p>The reasons we do this - so often the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is made much worse by anxiety, and fear that the item will no longer be available. The common wail of anguish we would hear was, "What if someone else buys it?" Well if it's in the family shop, they can't. It's safe.</p><p>The flip side is, they can't change their mind and say, "I don't want that one now." Too late, they're committed.</p><p>The other rule - only one item in the family shop, per child, at a time.</p><p></p><p>But it did help a lot to reduce anxiety. If we were out and they saw another item, they knew not to even bother asking, if they had an item at home "in the family shop".</p><p></p><p>If they were really desperate (as difficult child 3 gets) we would give him extra chores, such as weeding the garden, to earn extra money. It put all that panicked energy to work. No whining or complaining allowed or the deal is off; no saying, "What, you want MORE done for $10?" We would agree that there would be no complaining or the amount of money offered would drop. I also try to break up the task, so he knows he's earned $5 per garden bed, for example, depending on how bad the weeds are.</p><p>The down side of this is that it's hard to g et him to help for nothing, especially if he's got a toy in mind.</p><p></p><p>He still "NEEDS" on a regular basis, but he's less insecure about it now and much more realistic. The current object of desire is a Wii. He buys every magazine, enters every competition, drives me crazy. I use the drive as bribes. "I'll buy you the next magazine if you tidy ten things out of your room." I also use it to help him get over some particularly tricky school subjects - when certain work is complete, he gets t he magazine. By having it "in the family shop" he can get it as soon as he's earned it, and not have to wait. The shops are a long way away and we mightn't go there for another two weeks or more.</p><p></p><p>I hope this can give you some ideas.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 43523, member: 1991"] MWM, I also was thinking that something on the autism spectrum sounded possible. This "neediness" - we found you can't deflect; you can't block it; you can't shout it down; you can't do much of anything, except go with the flow. Support them through the necessary reality check. Even easy child did this at times. She would want stuff, I would say no, she would accuse me of being mean, I would explain that things cost money and I didn't have enough money. She then said, "You have plenty of money, I just saw you get some out of that wall." I explained that I had got money from the bank and I needed to use all of that money to buy food. She looked a bit sceptical - that's a lot of food. I explained that I had to plan ahead and make sure we had enough of everything we needed. I got out my shopping list and showed her. We went shopping and I showed her the final bill. Of course while we were shopping she wanted stuff but we have a strict rule - if it's not on the shopping list, we don't get it. And while that rule does get bent at times ("Blast! I forgot to put muesli on the shopping list, I opened the last packet this morning!") the rule didn't get broken for kids saying, "While we're here, can I have that toy?" After the grocery shopping and especially the meat shopping, I showed her the dockets for everything and talked about the numbers. How much money is left? Most of the time this was enough. There were times especially early on, when she said, "OK, go back to the wall and get more money, it's got plenty." THEN I had to explain how it will stop giving me money if I use more than I've put in. "The money is only there because I put it in. I can't use more money than I was able to put in. The money that does get put in has to last us until I get more money. If I buy you a toy, we might have to miss a meal later in the week. You might be prepared to do that but your brother and sister wouldn't." It's tedious to explain it, but it is worth the effort. It also stops YOU being the big bad mean ogre not buying them toys. Basically, blame the bank. It's harder for difficult children. Kids on the spectrum who are really obsessing find it hard to accept anything blocking their access to "what they need". You need some fancy footwork to avoid being in the firing line. A tantrum is almost inevitable, but if it is railing against the universe it's still preferable to the child railing at you. I ignore it, as much as I can, or sympathise with, "yeah, kid, life sucks. You want a toy, I want a Ferrari." Seriously, I have also often walked difficult child 3 through my bank statements and bills, to show him how expensive life can be when you have to take responsibility for EVERY expense, big or small. Then we come to the flip side - "How can I get what I want?" Because after you've explained everything, they still come back to, "gimme." That's when we set up our own saving plan. Is he going to be patient enough to save? Is he going to want to earn extra money? We brought in another system we call the "family shop". Example from easy child again - she was collecting Sylvania Families, little dolls house creatures and furniture. She always wanted more. Every time we were out, she wanted to buy more. Each of our kids gets pocket money (or did, until they are old enough to earn their own money). They get $1 a week per year of age, half of which goes into the bank. They can only access bank money to buy a present for someone (birthday or Christmas). The rest - not given in hand, but written up on a "Mum and Dad owe me..." sheet. If we knew how much was on the sheet when we went shopping, and we knew easy child could afford the next stick of furniture, we would buy it if she asked. But once the money is spent, she has to save up again. But if there's a sale... we would buy ONE extra item and put it "in the family shop". That way she got to take advantage of the sale long after the price went back up (or the item went out of stock). The reasons we do this - so often the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is made much worse by anxiety, and fear that the item will no longer be available. The common wail of anguish we would hear was, "What if someone else buys it?" Well if it's in the family shop, they can't. It's safe. The flip side is, they can't change their mind and say, "I don't want that one now." Too late, they're committed. The other rule - only one item in the family shop, per child, at a time. But it did help a lot to reduce anxiety. If we were out and they saw another item, they knew not to even bother asking, if they had an item at home "in the family shop". If they were really desperate (as difficult child 3 gets) we would give him extra chores, such as weeding the garden, to earn extra money. It put all that panicked energy to work. No whining or complaining allowed or the deal is off; no saying, "What, you want MORE done for $10?" We would agree that there would be no complaining or the amount of money offered would drop. I also try to break up the task, so he knows he's earned $5 per garden bed, for example, depending on how bad the weeds are. The down side of this is that it's hard to g et him to help for nothing, especially if he's got a toy in mind. He still "NEEDS" on a regular basis, but he's less insecure about it now and much more realistic. The current object of desire is a Wii. He buys every magazine, enters every competition, drives me crazy. I use the drive as bribes. "I'll buy you the next magazine if you tidy ten things out of your room." I also use it to help him get over some particularly tricky school subjects - when certain work is complete, he gets t he magazine. By having it "in the family shop" he can get it as soon as he's earned it, and not have to wait. The shops are a long way away and we mightn't go there for another two weeks or more. I hope this can give you some ideas. Marg [/QUOTE]
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