Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
How to detach when grandkids are involved.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 632269" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>EOR, I'm so sorry you are hurting.</p><p></p><p>By the time we get to this part of our journey, most of us know we can't fix our grown children. We have tried everythign and usually nothing works. Now my daughter DID quit using drugs after we made her leave, but that is the rarity because addiction is powerful. It IS a disease, but it is controllable. Many addicts quit using drugs, but only when THEY want to and nothing we do can make that happen. This forum is more about our own lives and whether or not we let them take us down with them.</p><p></p><p>Some parents feel as if they need to parent forever. They have 60 year old abusive, lazy adult children at home that they are supporting at age 85, when they should have long before had the opportunity to enjoy this golden years. That is not how most of us want to spend our lives. It is a choice we make, to detach. The grandchildren make it harder for you, no doubt, but there are other people here with grandchildren.</p><p></p><p>If you report your daughter when she steals and create a trail of her being unfit, it is possible you could gain custody of your grands without having to deal with your grown daughter's continuing drama. I have a mental illness. It does not give me permission to be irresponsible, mean, abusive, a thief or a drug user. I have to take control of my illness, go for appointments, take my medication as prescribed, and abstain from drinking and any illegal drugs, which I do.Your daughter is not psychotic, as in she does not understand reality. She knows that she is not behaving well and that you will rescue her. There is no incentive for her to maybe get help. Even if you withdraw, she may not get help, but YOUR life will be better...and you matter too. When we become parents, it does not mean we bail our adult men and women children out of illegal and bad behavior for the rest of our lives. At your daughter's age, she is old enough that many men and women are fighting for our country, others are in college, others work hard full time. She is choosing to remain a child.</p><p></p><p>None of us can tell you what to do. If you want to parent her forever that is your decision. It is not something you HAVE to do. It may be something you WANT to do. But it won't cure your daughter and you and your wife may have shortened lives due to stress and the health problems that creates. What will your daughter do after you are gone? It will happen one day. Then what?</p><p></p><p>There is no magic cure for your daughter, Rope. But there is hope and help for YOU, if you want it. You can only control yourself and how you react to those around you. You can spend every dime you have on your adult daughter and that still may not be enough. You deserve a good life in spite of your daughter's struggling. The first time somebody said that to me, I thought, "What a selfish ^*$(" but now it makes so much sense.</p><p></p><p>"God grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I can not change,</p><p>The Courage to change the things I can,</p><p>And the Wisdom to know the difference."</p><p></p><p>Good luck on your journey.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 632269, member: 1550"] EOR, I'm so sorry you are hurting. By the time we get to this part of our journey, most of us know we can't fix our grown children. We have tried everythign and usually nothing works. Now my daughter DID quit using drugs after we made her leave, but that is the rarity because addiction is powerful. It IS a disease, but it is controllable. Many addicts quit using drugs, but only when THEY want to and nothing we do can make that happen. This forum is more about our own lives and whether or not we let them take us down with them. Some parents feel as if they need to parent forever. They have 60 year old abusive, lazy adult children at home that they are supporting at age 85, when they should have long before had the opportunity to enjoy this golden years. That is not how most of us want to spend our lives. It is a choice we make, to detach. The grandchildren make it harder for you, no doubt, but there are other people here with grandchildren. If you report your daughter when she steals and create a trail of her being unfit, it is possible you could gain custody of your grands without having to deal with your grown daughter's continuing drama. I have a mental illness. It does not give me permission to be irresponsible, mean, abusive, a thief or a drug user. I have to take control of my illness, go for appointments, take my medication as prescribed, and abstain from drinking and any illegal drugs, which I do.Your daughter is not psychotic, as in she does not understand reality. She knows that she is not behaving well and that you will rescue her. There is no incentive for her to maybe get help. Even if you withdraw, she may not get help, but YOUR life will be better...and you matter too. When we become parents, it does not mean we bail our adult men and women children out of illegal and bad behavior for the rest of our lives. At your daughter's age, she is old enough that many men and women are fighting for our country, others are in college, others work hard full time. She is choosing to remain a child. None of us can tell you what to do. If you want to parent her forever that is your decision. It is not something you HAVE to do. It may be something you WANT to do. But it won't cure your daughter and you and your wife may have shortened lives due to stress and the health problems that creates. What will your daughter do after you are gone? It will happen one day. Then what? There is no magic cure for your daughter, Rope. But there is hope and help for YOU, if you want it. You can only control yourself and how you react to those around you. You can spend every dime you have on your adult daughter and that still may not be enough. You deserve a good life in spite of your daughter's struggling. The first time somebody said that to me, I thought, "What a selfish ^*$(" but now it makes so much sense. "God grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I can not change, The Courage to change the things I can, And the Wisdom to know the difference." Good luck on your journey. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
How to detach when grandkids are involved.
Top