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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 632341" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, I was attempting to give you an overall view......as well as the recognition that saying NO to our kids when they are in jail, or in what appears to us to be peril, brought about by their own choices, we parents suffer the agonies of the damned. It's mainly because we feel we SHOULD by all reason be stepping in to save them. </p><p></p><p>By saying no to bailing your daughter out, you are changing an old pattern. Generally speaking, our kids respond badly to this. Usually we become victims of their anger. It can get pretty ugly. When you see her on Saturday, if she follows the general pattern, she will do whatever it takes in manipulation to get you to get her out of there. If you choose to stay the course, be prepared for that. It isn't easy on us to face that and continue with our resolve to set boundaries. You have to remember that SHE broke the law.</p><p></p><p>I can't be certain, of course, but, again, generally speaking when our kids steal it is usually having to do with drugs. While in jail, there will likely be programs for her to attend around addiction and recovery. You might check on that. She could avail herself to those programs. Once she is out, if she is living with you, it's more then likely she will not follow up on any treatment without that being a condition of living with you. You might give that some thought too. Those boundaries would have to be stringent, substance abusers are very cagey and manipulative and unless they are ready, recovery does not show up as a good idea to them and they do whatever it takes to get out of changing.</p><p></p><p>Even though it feels horrible to both of you, you are moving though this. You've gone to the jail to find out info, talked to the father, talked to an attorney and are now walking through it with more information. You're doing what we all do, taking this one step at a time. We do that until we arrive somewhere else and then we can learn that new territory. It is a process. You're doing well even though it doesn't feel like it.</p><p></p><p>It sounds as if the last 8 weeks have something to do with drugs. The behavior you mentioned points in that direction. Which is another reason to allow her to remain where she is to get her clean. Perhaps your attorney may be able to find out what the drug/alcohol programs are in the jail. Allowing her to face the very real consequences of her behavior is often very very hard on us, but it is the only way she will learn anything important. And, perhaps get help with her addiction.</p><p></p><p>That attitude your describe about things not being good enough, life isn't fair and the constant requests for money are earmarks of our troubled kids and unfortunately, by giving them money and providing them with a home and offering them so much help, that attitude grows worse, not better. It is the result of our own enabling them and their infantile approach to life. They do not get better until they begin to learn the consequences of their behavior and are forced into acting like an adult. That is the part that is so hard on us because we are used to and want to continue to step in and save them. Fighting that urge is remarkably difficult. I think for a Dad, you would be fighting the role of protector/provider in addition to all the other roles we have to let go of when our kids go off the rails.</p><p></p><p>I understand how hard this is. I lived it too. But, if you think through each step, make choices around not enabling her, get as much support as you can find, (read some books on addiction, go to an Al Anon meeting , that will provide you with support), do exactly what you are doing, get as much information as you can, you will move through and start to feel better. It is a process. It takes time. You're changing a very old pattern of being fully responsible for an adult who sounds as if she has no skill set in being an adult. You all have to learn a new way. It's tough, but it is doable. This may be the point at which everything changes for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 632341, member: 13542"] I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, I was attempting to give you an overall view......as well as the recognition that saying NO to our kids when they are in jail, or in what appears to us to be peril, brought about by their own choices, we parents suffer the agonies of the damned. It's mainly because we feel we SHOULD by all reason be stepping in to save them. By saying no to bailing your daughter out, you are changing an old pattern. Generally speaking, our kids respond badly to this. Usually we become victims of their anger. It can get pretty ugly. When you see her on Saturday, if she follows the general pattern, she will do whatever it takes in manipulation to get you to get her out of there. If you choose to stay the course, be prepared for that. It isn't easy on us to face that and continue with our resolve to set boundaries. You have to remember that SHE broke the law. I can't be certain, of course, but, again, generally speaking when our kids steal it is usually having to do with drugs. While in jail, there will likely be programs for her to attend around addiction and recovery. You might check on that. She could avail herself to those programs. Once she is out, if she is living with you, it's more then likely she will not follow up on any treatment without that being a condition of living with you. You might give that some thought too. Those boundaries would have to be stringent, substance abusers are very cagey and manipulative and unless they are ready, recovery does not show up as a good idea to them and they do whatever it takes to get out of changing. Even though it feels horrible to both of you, you are moving though this. You've gone to the jail to find out info, talked to the father, talked to an attorney and are now walking through it with more information. You're doing what we all do, taking this one step at a time. We do that until we arrive somewhere else and then we can learn that new territory. It is a process. You're doing well even though it doesn't feel like it. It sounds as if the last 8 weeks have something to do with drugs. The behavior you mentioned points in that direction. Which is another reason to allow her to remain where she is to get her clean. Perhaps your attorney may be able to find out what the drug/alcohol programs are in the jail. Allowing her to face the very real consequences of her behavior is often very very hard on us, but it is the only way she will learn anything important. And, perhaps get help with her addiction. That attitude your describe about things not being good enough, life isn't fair and the constant requests for money are earmarks of our troubled kids and unfortunately, by giving them money and providing them with a home and offering them so much help, that attitude grows worse, not better. It is the result of our own enabling them and their infantile approach to life. They do not get better until they begin to learn the consequences of their behavior and are forced into acting like an adult. That is the part that is so hard on us because we are used to and want to continue to step in and save them. Fighting that urge is remarkably difficult. I think for a Dad, you would be fighting the role of protector/provider in addition to all the other roles we have to let go of when our kids go off the rails. I understand how hard this is. I lived it too. But, if you think through each step, make choices around not enabling her, get as much support as you can find, (read some books on addiction, go to an Al Anon meeting , that will provide you with support), do exactly what you are doing, get as much information as you can, you will move through and start to feel better. It is a process. It takes time. You're changing a very old pattern of being fully responsible for an adult who sounds as if she has no skill set in being an adult. You all have to learn a new way. It's tough, but it is doable. This may be the point at which everything changes for you. [/QUOTE]
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