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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 632586" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>The purpose is natural <u>consequences</u> for the choices we make and the responsibility those choices create for ourselves and those around us. You stepping in to save her from her own choices, in my opinion, sends her the message that her poor choices will be tolerated and excused. That is NOT real life. In real life for all of us, our actions create consequences. A defense attorney is going to tell you what he/she is educated to tell you, not what is necessarily the best thing for your daughter <em>outside</em> of the justice system. What is best for OUR kids, is usually to suffer the consequences of their behavior and stay in jail without our rescuing them. She is not 15 or 19, she is a 32 year old adult woman who knows better. </p><p></p><p>Your daughter sounds as if because of her past illnesses, she has been able to skate through life with little regard for the consequences of her actions or how she impacts those in her wake........her kids and you and your wife. She stole from another person. She violated their rights. She broke the law. It also sounds as if she KNEW these people and she stole from them anyway.</p><p></p><p>It was the hardest thing for me to allow my daughter to stay in jail when I could have bailed her out. Each time she's been there, she's gotten less entitled, more grateful, more aware of my feelings and the rights of others. It's been a learning curve for her. It's not been easy on her or on me, and in fact, I vacillated as you are, wondering if I were doing the right thing........... but, for me, it was the right thing. My daughter made the poor choices. Each and every time. And, she needed to face the consequences. That's how life works. And, when we face the consequences, we (sometimes, hopefully) learn from them. It doesn't sound as if your daughter has faced many consequences without your interference. You've been protecting her from herself. She may not learn this time, or next time, or even the time after that, but at least, this way, she has a chance to learn how to take responsibility. Don't take the chance away from her. Try to live within this terrible uncertainty we humans don't fare well in..........try to step back and keep remembering this one very important component, <u>SHE</u> made the choice to steal, <u>SHE</u> did that. <u>YOU</u> didn't. <u>YOU</u> are not responsible for her choices. <u>SHE</u> is.</p><p></p><p>What will she do when you and your wife are no longer around to pick up the pieces?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 632586, member: 13542"] The purpose is natural [U]consequences[/U] for the choices we make and the responsibility those choices create for ourselves and those around us. You stepping in to save her from her own choices, in my opinion, sends her the message that her poor choices will be tolerated and excused. That is NOT real life. In real life for all of us, our actions create consequences. A defense attorney is going to tell you what he/she is educated to tell you, not what is necessarily the best thing for your daughter [I]outside[/I] of the justice system. What is best for OUR kids, is usually to suffer the consequences of their behavior and stay in jail without our rescuing them. She is not 15 or 19, she is a 32 year old adult woman who knows better. Your daughter sounds as if because of her past illnesses, she has been able to skate through life with little regard for the consequences of her actions or how she impacts those in her wake........her kids and you and your wife. She stole from another person. She violated their rights. She broke the law. It also sounds as if she KNEW these people and she stole from them anyway. It was the hardest thing for me to allow my daughter to stay in jail when I could have bailed her out. Each time she's been there, she's gotten less entitled, more grateful, more aware of my feelings and the rights of others. It's been a learning curve for her. It's not been easy on her or on me, and in fact, I vacillated as you are, wondering if I were doing the right thing........... but, for me, it was the right thing. My daughter made the poor choices. Each and every time. And, she needed to face the consequences. That's how life works. And, when we face the consequences, we (sometimes, hopefully) learn from them. It doesn't sound as if your daughter has faced many consequences without your interference. You've been protecting her from herself. She may not learn this time, or next time, or even the time after that, but at least, this way, she has a chance to learn how to take responsibility. Don't take the chance away from her. Try to live within this terrible uncertainty we humans don't fare well in..........try to step back and keep remembering this one very important component, [U]SHE[/U] made the choice to steal, [U]SHE[/U] did that. [U]YOU[/U] didn't. [U]YOU[/U] are not responsible for her choices. [U]SHE[/U] is. What will she do when you and your wife are no longer around to pick up the pieces? [/QUOTE]
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