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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 632603" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I'm sorry EOOR, it is a horrible experience to see our adult kids in jail having to deal with the results of their choices.</p><p></p><p>Just out of curiosity, that summer camp she was filling forms out for, will you be paying for that?</p><p></p><p>It is not much of a double life really if you provide housing, pay all her bills, pay for all her needs, take care of the kids and their needs and she does the minimum and then goes out to "party," which in this case looks like using drugs. If that is true, then she is making childish choices, acting like a child, leading any life she feels like leading, because she has the freedom to do that, you provide that for her. She is not leading a double life, she is acting like a 14 year old. You take care of all of her needs and she can be carefree and irresponsible. That may not be the case, I may have not read that correctly, however, if it is, you may want to rethink the choices you're making. Her ability to be a functioning adult is greatly hindered by you enabling her.</p><p></p><p>I did much of that for my daughter as well. It was an eye opener for her when I stopped. Over time, with my continuing to set strong boundaries and say NO, she changed.</p><p></p><p>At 32 years old, even with the illnesses you described, your daughter should have launched out on her own. Doing that is what provides us with self esteem, self respect, resourcefulness, courage and strength. Getting a free ride creates dependence, entitlement, selfishness and generally someone who feels it necessary to use others and manipulate them into getting their needs met. </p><p></p><p>In the 2 years I've been stepping out of that role of caretaker for my adult child, I've watched her gain momentum in being able to care for herself and feel good about her choices, treat me much better, respect me and my boundaries, find her own way and gain strength in that and be able to cope much better with life in general. She is still learning how to be a functioning adult, but now she IS learning.</p><p></p><p>That trance you speak of was called "THE FOG" by my therapist. It is the place we parents go when we stop the enabling and inwardly, we do battle with wanting to save them versus not doing anything. It creates an emotional stalemate, a place where we're stuck not knowing what to do, how to act, where to begin.........we can't see a way out.............we're in the fog. My experience was it was best to wait, to refrain from making any choices until I could see a little clearer. It's a place I experienced many times as I changed MY behavior and my responses to my daughter. </p><p></p><p>You've been protecting and rescuing your daughter for many, many years, shifting out of that role is not going to be easy, it will be a process. I can understand how you can't concentrate, I think that is a common experience, we parents are devastated by these changes, it takes time and a lot of support to get through it all and be able to feel good. </p><p></p><p>Do some kind things for YOU today. Try to take the focus off of your daughter just for today. She is dealing with her life now, let her do that. You deal with yours, go for a drive with your wife, go out to lunch, play golf, do something that keeps you busy but you also enjoy. My heart goes out to you, I know just how you feel.........it is really hard..........just take one step at a time, one moment at a time........and pretty soon, you'll feel better.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 632603, member: 13542"] I'm sorry EOOR, it is a horrible experience to see our adult kids in jail having to deal with the results of their choices. Just out of curiosity, that summer camp she was filling forms out for, will you be paying for that? It is not much of a double life really if you provide housing, pay all her bills, pay for all her needs, take care of the kids and their needs and she does the minimum and then goes out to "party," which in this case looks like using drugs. If that is true, then she is making childish choices, acting like a child, leading any life she feels like leading, because she has the freedom to do that, you provide that for her. She is not leading a double life, she is acting like a 14 year old. You take care of all of her needs and she can be carefree and irresponsible. That may not be the case, I may have not read that correctly, however, if it is, you may want to rethink the choices you're making. Her ability to be a functioning adult is greatly hindered by you enabling her. I did much of that for my daughter as well. It was an eye opener for her when I stopped. Over time, with my continuing to set strong boundaries and say NO, she changed. At 32 years old, even with the illnesses you described, your daughter should have launched out on her own. Doing that is what provides us with self esteem, self respect, resourcefulness, courage and strength. Getting a free ride creates dependence, entitlement, selfishness and generally someone who feels it necessary to use others and manipulate them into getting their needs met. In the 2 years I've been stepping out of that role of caretaker for my adult child, I've watched her gain momentum in being able to care for herself and feel good about her choices, treat me much better, respect me and my boundaries, find her own way and gain strength in that and be able to cope much better with life in general. She is still learning how to be a functioning adult, but now she IS learning. That trance you speak of was called "THE FOG" by my therapist. It is the place we parents go when we stop the enabling and inwardly, we do battle with wanting to save them versus not doing anything. It creates an emotional stalemate, a place where we're stuck not knowing what to do, how to act, where to begin.........we can't see a way out.............we're in the fog. My experience was it was best to wait, to refrain from making any choices until I could see a little clearer. It's a place I experienced many times as I changed MY behavior and my responses to my daughter. You've been protecting and rescuing your daughter for many, many years, shifting out of that role is not going to be easy, it will be a process. I can understand how you can't concentrate, I think that is a common experience, we parents are devastated by these changes, it takes time and a lot of support to get through it all and be able to feel good. Do some kind things for YOU today. Try to take the focus off of your daughter just for today. She is dealing with her life now, let her do that. You deal with yours, go for a drive with your wife, go out to lunch, play golf, do something that keeps you busy but you also enjoy. My heart goes out to you, I know just how you feel.........it is really hard..........just take one step at a time, one moment at a time........and pretty soon, you'll feel better. [/QUOTE]
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