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How to explain to child Mom wants nothing to do with him
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<blockquote data-quote="LittleDudesMom" data-source="post: 119997" data-attributes="member: 805"><p>David,</p><p> </p><p>I'm sorry that your son's egg donor is such an..... well, you know. Some folks should not have children. Some folks don't realize what they say, or what the don't say, what they do, or what they don't do so greatly affects how a child thinks of themself.</p><p> </p><p>I had a really long discussion with easy child's boyfriend this weekend about just this very thing. His mother was a drug addict/prostitute who left him alone in the kitchen to buy and use drugs when he was only two. Dad came home from work and found his son alone. He started divorce proceedings immediately. This boy grew up not knowing his mother. She never made any attempt to see him. Then, a little over two years ago she appeared out of the blue wanted to have a relationship because she was dying of AIDS. This young man, 17 at the time, refused her attempt to reenter his life. His father trusted his son to make his own choice.</p><p> </p><p>His mother passed almost 18 months ago. This young man told me that he may regret it later, he may not, but it was the only choice he could made at the time. His father was both parents to him and he didn't need a mother of guilt. At this time in his life, he is sad he didn't have a mom, but he feels pride in what he has been able to accomplish with the drama his early life was. He knows what his dreams are and works very hard to realize them. He, like your son, has a strong and loving father who supports his choices and shares his dream.</p><p> </p><p>We talked about how so many children looked to themsevles as the burden that causes their parents to leave or stay away. We talked about how some people are just not equipped to deal with others on an interpersonal level.</p><p> </p><p>I don't believe that any explanation you give your son will satisfy his need to be wanted by his mother. He should be receiving therapy that directs his self image away from the yardstick of others. I don't believe it could possibly be understood as a child that you are not wanted. But want doesn't really enter into it does it? It is not that your son is not wanted, it is that he is not on her radar at all. How do you explain that to a child longing to have a relationship with his mom? I think this is a case for someone with professional training at this point. Raising our children to be self confident is a tough business - adding the difficult child issues to that makes it an even tougher job.</p><p> </p><p>Your son needs to know that he is loved by those that really know him. That he is accepted, with all his faults, and that he can acheive his dreams by working hard and "keeping his eye on the prize." Unconditional love goes a long way to raising a child who thinks they can accomplish much. That does not mean that you support all his choices and are not frustrated when he repeats those bad choices. It means that you love him regardless of those things. You can feel disapointment and saddness, but always love. Faith is another layer than I believe helps kids know that they are loved by someone who knew of them before they were even born.</p><p> </p><p>I wish you luck as you handle these issues with your son. Stay strong. Keep the love going strong. Speak to his docs at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) about his mom so they can work on helping him through this need.</p><p> </p><p>Sharon</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="LittleDudesMom, post: 119997, member: 805"] David, I'm sorry that your son's egg donor is such an..... well, you know. Some folks should not have children. Some folks don't realize what they say, or what the don't say, what they do, or what they don't do so greatly affects how a child thinks of themself. I had a really long discussion with easy child's boyfriend this weekend about just this very thing. His mother was a drug addict/prostitute who left him alone in the kitchen to buy and use drugs when he was only two. Dad came home from work and found his son alone. He started divorce proceedings immediately. This boy grew up not knowing his mother. She never made any attempt to see him. Then, a little over two years ago she appeared out of the blue wanted to have a relationship because she was dying of AIDS. This young man, 17 at the time, refused her attempt to reenter his life. His father trusted his son to make his own choice. His mother passed almost 18 months ago. This young man told me that he may regret it later, he may not, but it was the only choice he could made at the time. His father was both parents to him and he didn't need a mother of guilt. At this time in his life, he is sad he didn't have a mom, but he feels pride in what he has been able to accomplish with the drama his early life was. He knows what his dreams are and works very hard to realize them. He, like your son, has a strong and loving father who supports his choices and shares his dream. We talked about how so many children looked to themsevles as the burden that causes their parents to leave or stay away. We talked about how some people are just not equipped to deal with others on an interpersonal level. I don't believe that any explanation you give your son will satisfy his need to be wanted by his mother. He should be receiving therapy that directs his self image away from the yardstick of others. I don't believe it could possibly be understood as a child that you are not wanted. But want doesn't really enter into it does it? It is not that your son is not wanted, it is that he is not on her radar at all. How do you explain that to a child longing to have a relationship with his mom? I think this is a case for someone with professional training at this point. Raising our children to be self confident is a tough business - adding the difficult child issues to that makes it an even tougher job. Your son needs to know that he is loved by those that really know him. That he is accepted, with all his faults, and that he can acheive his dreams by working hard and "keeping his eye on the prize." Unconditional love goes a long way to raising a child who thinks they can accomplish much. That does not mean that you support all his choices and are not frustrated when he repeats those bad choices. It means that you love him regardless of those things. You can feel disapointment and saddness, but always love. Faith is another layer than I believe helps kids know that they are loved by someone who knew of them before they were even born. I wish you luck as you handle these issues with your son. Stay strong. Keep the love going strong. Speak to his docs at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) about his mom so they can work on helping him through this need. Sharon [/QUOTE]
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