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How to handle my difficult child mom?
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 591018" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Welcome, how our families respond to our addicted/challenged children is one more, shiny facet of the destruction of every good thing that happens with addiction.</p><p></p><p>If we can remember how hard it was for us to learn how to survive this, then we can empathize with our parents. </p><p></p><p>I don't know whether you have grandchildren yet or not, but I do. It's an indescribable kind of love, as strong in its own way as the love we feel for our children. Each grandparent will need to reach that place of understanding regarding his or her addicted grandchild on his own. The grandparents will argue over the role they should take in helping the addicted child. Though not as destructive as the arguments the parents have over the addicted child, the grandparents' marriages will suffer. </p><p></p><p>However they work it out, once the grandparent has engaged, he or she will need to do all the things we needed to do, too, before we got it that there was nothing we could do to change anything.</p><p></p><p>This is how extended families too, are destroyed by addiction.</p><p></p><p>Understanding what you have gone through to learn what you know today, is it possible for you to see your mom's actions with compassion? Can you support her as she goes through the emotional hell of learning that she can't change this?</p><p></p><p>It cuts like a knife to understand that, when an addiction has gone on long enough, family will step in and try to change things for the addicted child. Though their pain will not be as deep as our own, they will need to go through the betrayals, the hoping and believing we all did, too. In very fortunate families, the addict has decided by this time to change. Whichever family member it was who stepped in then will harbor, forever after, the secret pride of having saved the child after you had given him up. </p><p></p><p>They will never know it was nothing they said or did. It was that the addict stopped using.</p><p></p><p>Other families will not be so fortunate. As the addict spirals downward, everyone who can will take a shot at helping, talking "some sense" into the addict. But for those families, it won't matter. Each family member will then have to learn, as we have had to learn, that there is, literally, nothing we can do. </p><p></p><p>They will resent the money, the time, the clothes, the hope, the addict's ultimate betrayal....</p><p></p><p>But they have to try. Love is that strong.</p><p></p><p>Your mom loves you. She will learn soon, on her own. That will be so hard for her to face. </p><p></p><p>Maybe difficult child will stay straight and recover after all because his grandmother bought him some underwear. Chances are that isn't true, though. When his grandmother realizes the truth behind your truth, it will practically kill her.</p><p></p><p>You will need to be there for her, then.</p><p></p><p>Be kind to her, now.</p><p></p><p>You know the pain in store for her.</p><p></p><p>The devastation of the extended family is the final cost of addiction, the final bill come due.</p><p></p><p>Unless that underwear she bought him works? You will have to be very strong to hold it together.</p><p></p><p>I just couldn't resist that little joke about the underwear. :O) I am sorry. There is nothing about this that is funny.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 591018, member: 1721"] Welcome, how our families respond to our addicted/challenged children is one more, shiny facet of the destruction of every good thing that happens with addiction. If we can remember how hard it was for us to learn how to survive this, then we can empathize with our parents. I don't know whether you have grandchildren yet or not, but I do. It's an indescribable kind of love, as strong in its own way as the love we feel for our children. Each grandparent will need to reach that place of understanding regarding his or her addicted grandchild on his own. The grandparents will argue over the role they should take in helping the addicted child. Though not as destructive as the arguments the parents have over the addicted child, the grandparents' marriages will suffer. However they work it out, once the grandparent has engaged, he or she will need to do all the things we needed to do, too, before we got it that there was nothing we could do to change anything. This is how extended families too, are destroyed by addiction. Understanding what you have gone through to learn what you know today, is it possible for you to see your mom's actions with compassion? Can you support her as she goes through the emotional hell of learning that she can't change this? It cuts like a knife to understand that, when an addiction has gone on long enough, family will step in and try to change things for the addicted child. Though their pain will not be as deep as our own, they will need to go through the betrayals, the hoping and believing we all did, too. In very fortunate families, the addict has decided by this time to change. Whichever family member it was who stepped in then will harbor, forever after, the secret pride of having saved the child after you had given him up. They will never know it was nothing they said or did. It was that the addict stopped using. Other families will not be so fortunate. As the addict spirals downward, everyone who can will take a shot at helping, talking "some sense" into the addict. But for those families, it won't matter. Each family member will then have to learn, as we have had to learn, that there is, literally, nothing we can do. They will resent the money, the time, the clothes, the hope, the addict's ultimate betrayal.... But they have to try. Love is that strong. Your mom loves you. She will learn soon, on her own. That will be so hard for her to face. Maybe difficult child will stay straight and recover after all because his grandmother bought him some underwear. Chances are that isn't true, though. When his grandmother realizes the truth behind your truth, it will practically kill her. You will need to be there for her, then. Be kind to her, now. You know the pain in store for her. The devastation of the extended family is the final cost of addiction, the final bill come due. Unless that underwear she bought him works? You will have to be very strong to hold it together. I just couldn't resist that little joke about the underwear. :O) I am sorry. There is nothing about this that is funny. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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