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How to handle my difficult child mom?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 591128" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh Boy WTW, I can understand how you feel, it's a betrayal to you and husband too. It also may keep difficult child stuck in his behavior longer with them enabling him. Sigh. It sucks. Given your mother's remark about agreeing to disagree, it doesn't sound as if she is open to any changing, that's really unfortunate that she would so minimize your feelings and experience that way, I would feel hurt and angry about that too. Would she perhaps agree to attend a NAMI meeting, or a group where she could listen to a therapist, or other group members talk about the devastation of this for parents, or hear what a professional might say? Sometimes if you can get a person out of the family dynamic long enough for a bit of truth to sink in, that opening might create a shift in their thinking. Or a book that might offer her a different perspective? </p><p></p><p>Underneath all of that, there also may be a power struggle, a kind of parental one-up-man-ship, I don't know them of course, but your mom might be thinking that SHE can turn this around while YOU couldn't. Especially if she in any way believes the cause of difficult child's issues are your parenting skills, a place where many people go to judge. And, given that she has siblings who are dysfunctional, sort of like, gee, my mother and my daughter raised difficult child's, but I DIDN'T, so I'm a better parent and I can change the outcome. Just a thought.</p><p></p><p>I might talk to easy child and let her know that your Mom is overcompensating for difficult child, how people will do that, put all their effort into helping the problem child, leaving the other child alone because they don't need the help. If you can tell her the truth, and that it is grandmother's issue which unfortunately impacts her in a negative way, perhaps she may not take it as personally. I've had to work at that with my granddaughter because her mother is so clueless about how her behavior impacts others. Kids may be hurt by the actions, but if you explain it to her, she may not take it personally so it really goes deep and affects her self esteem. She may be able to see it as the misguided attempt at saving her brother that it really is. Your easy child has likely wised up to many of the odd facets of being the sibling of a difficult child. </p><p></p><p>There may not be much you can really do to stop your parents negative influence on your difficult child. However, I am a huge believer in telling the truth and if you continue sharing how you feel about it, how disrespectful it is, how angry and hurt you are, at least you won't be harboring those feelings. It's another opportunity for you to detach from what your parents are doing, sigh, because, like your difficult child, you have no control over it. Sometimes I think life is simply a series of opportunities to <em>let go</em>........and here on this board, we are experts at it. Hang in there WTW, as usual, you have a good handle on the situation, you're dealing with it as best you can, sharing how you feel, venting here, protecting easy child, recognizing yet again, how little control we have in so many areas................many hugs to you..............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 591128, member: 13542"] Oh Boy WTW, I can understand how you feel, it's a betrayal to you and husband too. It also may keep difficult child stuck in his behavior longer with them enabling him. Sigh. It sucks. Given your mother's remark about agreeing to disagree, it doesn't sound as if she is open to any changing, that's really unfortunate that she would so minimize your feelings and experience that way, I would feel hurt and angry about that too. Would she perhaps agree to attend a NAMI meeting, or a group where she could listen to a therapist, or other group members talk about the devastation of this for parents, or hear what a professional might say? Sometimes if you can get a person out of the family dynamic long enough for a bit of truth to sink in, that opening might create a shift in their thinking. Or a book that might offer her a different perspective? Underneath all of that, there also may be a power struggle, a kind of parental one-up-man-ship, I don't know them of course, but your mom might be thinking that SHE can turn this around while YOU couldn't. Especially if she in any way believes the cause of difficult child's issues are your parenting skills, a place where many people go to judge. And, given that she has siblings who are dysfunctional, sort of like, gee, my mother and my daughter raised difficult child's, but I DIDN'T, so I'm a better parent and I can change the outcome. Just a thought. I might talk to easy child and let her know that your Mom is overcompensating for difficult child, how people will do that, put all their effort into helping the problem child, leaving the other child alone because they don't need the help. If you can tell her the truth, and that it is grandmother's issue which unfortunately impacts her in a negative way, perhaps she may not take it as personally. I've had to work at that with my granddaughter because her mother is so clueless about how her behavior impacts others. Kids may be hurt by the actions, but if you explain it to her, she may not take it personally so it really goes deep and affects her self esteem. She may be able to see it as the misguided attempt at saving her brother that it really is. Your easy child has likely wised up to many of the odd facets of being the sibling of a difficult child. There may not be much you can really do to stop your parents negative influence on your difficult child. However, I am a huge believer in telling the truth and if you continue sharing how you feel about it, how disrespectful it is, how angry and hurt you are, at least you won't be harboring those feelings. It's another opportunity for you to detach from what your parents are doing, sigh, because, like your difficult child, you have no control over it. Sometimes I think life is simply a series of opportunities to [I]let go[/I]........and here on this board, we are experts at it. Hang in there WTW, as usual, you have a good handle on the situation, you're dealing with it as best you can, sharing how you feel, venting here, protecting easy child, recognizing yet again, how little control we have in so many areas................many hugs to you.............. [/QUOTE]
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