How to Handle This?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by susiestar, Jul 29, 2016.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This is mostly about my daughter and my parents, my dad esp. My mom may not even be aware there is an issue.

    Last month my parents helped us with something and we paid them back on the 1st of the month. My mother put the money somewhere and cannot find it. This is not exactly unusual with her (losing something important).

    The problem is that J was with husband when he paid them back. It was a short visit to my folks' house. J was in sight of either husband or my mom the entire time. At no time was she in the room where my mother took the money.

    As soon as my mom couldn't find the money, my dad decided that J took it. J does not steal from stores or people, though as a young teen she did make a mistake, get caught, and learned that lesson. She worked very hard to earn trust back and it has been over five years since her mistake. J insisted that I search her wallet, her purse, her crochet bag, her drawers, every jacket and hidey hole she keeps stuff in. She was SOOO upset by the accusation. Of course this was 6 days before her birthday and my parents didn't even call her for her birthday. She asked me not to call them to celebrate it with them. She didn't want to be in their house or to have them bring a purse or wallet anywhere near her so that she could not be accused of anything. She cried herself to sleep for a week straight.

    It then got worse. Wiz lost a very large sum of cash he had been saving. At no time was J even in the same home as the cash. The cash has been found, but not before my father made it known that he believed J took it. Even though she couldn't have. Wiz NEVER believed she took it, and made this VERY clear to my dad.

    I don't know if my mom is aware that the accusations were made. My dad can be good at keeping things from her. When the first sum went missing, my mother did call and ASK if J or husband saw where she put it or saw it fall out onto the floor or anything. But that is very different from what my father said.

    My dad has a real problem. He thinks all teens are thieves. He also assumes the worst of women. I can remember being accused of smoking pot for almost 20 years. All because when I was 19 my parents went out of town for a weekend when a big celebration was held in our town. My house was the closest of my friends' to the street party, so my parents agreed that we could walk there and back and if anyone was too drunk they could spend the night. A friend of a friend left a pack of rolling papers on my parents' dining room table and my parents got home the next morning before I woke up and could make sure things were cleaned up. There was no wild party at my parents, no pot smoking inside or out. No smoking of any kind inside or out. But because of that, I was a horrible young woman who got high at every opportunity. And those are verbatim from my father's mouth over and over but NEVER with my mom in hearing range. Because she would have stood up for me.

    My bro, and my sons have NEVER had these accusations. Bro was a thief, and he was caught smoking pot or with pot (sending ti through the laundry when your parents' switch loads is never real bright, Know what I mean??) on more than a few occasions. Wiz has had his share of sins too, which include theft of money. But this has NEVER been brought up over and over. If I were to even mention it, I would be slammed and called some pretty awful names. But my father thinks differently of J and I. Or he has different standards for us. So anytime we do something, it is a mistake forever and we cannot change it in his mind.

    I am planning to call my mom tomorrow. I have tried but haven't gotten through to her this last week because my dad keeps hiding her phone. I need to ask her if she believes my daughter stole the money, and why. I also need to let her know that while J misses her greatly, J also does not want to have any chance to be accused of anything. J is so hurt by all of this, and I don't think my parents fully realize this. I also don't think my mother realizes how many times my father has repeated the accusation, or that he could truly lose his granddau if he keeps this up. J may be unwilling to spend time with him again even on holidays. I won't force her, and won't use guilt to make her see my father.

    My daughter said the saddest thing last night. She truly doesn't ever expect my parents to take her side in anything, ever. She said they didn't when she told them that Wiz was hurting her and thank you, not even when she showed them bruises. She also said they chose my bro and his daughter over her when bro was hurting her and I had to step in. It just broke my heart to hear those words out of my daughter's mouth. My grands all gave me absolute unconditional love. I so wanted that for my daughter and sons.

    How would you approach the situation with my parents? What would you say?
     
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Will anything you say or do make a difference? Will it make things worse? My 2 cents would be to concentrate my focus on helping daughter deal with how she wants to handle the situation.
     
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Poor J. How hurtful all this must be. I would put my focus on her, since I suspect your father will never change.
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Your father's behavior towards women reminds me of one of my best friend's fathers. Are you Italian by any chance? Her dad seems to put way more value on his sons than daughters but not to the same extreme as your dad, but it's very evident. Those are her words and not mine by the way.

    That's sad. I don't know what you can really do. I know that I would talk to my mother about it though because I am the type that wants to clear the air and fix everything. I feel badly for your daughter. How did her brother hurt her? I wasn't sure what you meant by that.
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Years ago J was the target of most of Wiz' violence. It got really bad, to the point of a long hospitalization and then having to have Wiz live somewhere else. He has worked hard to change and to build a very great relationship with J. My father never accepted that the violence occurred, not even when J had dark bruising around her throat. Even when we lived with my parents while my husband was in grad school, I couldn't trust my dad to babysit because he would go take a nap and leave the kids alone. We stopped doing that when J was 3 or 4 because she always had new bruises or injuries if the kids were unsupervised. My father simply wouldn't accept that it was needed.

    He is not Italian. German ancestry is allllllllllllllll through his family. I think that putting more value on boys than on girls is common in many cultures. When I was 9 or 10 my mother finally insisted he start buying gifts for me for holidays rather than relying on her to do it all. I got belt buckles with deer or guns on them for quite a while. The only activities I did with my dad were things like engine repair, car repair, going to the gun range, etc.... If it was a 'girly' type thing, he really wasn't involved. He loves me, and my daughter, but there is a real disconnect between that and his view of our integrity and personality.

    I still don't know what I am going to do. I did see Wiz this morning at the grocery though. It was slow so he spent quite some time helping us, lol. He manages the health and beauty stuff, and the organic stuff, at a local grocery.
     
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I would not have anything to do with people who were mistreating my daughter, even if they were blood relatives.
     
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Why does your dad hide your mom's phone?
     
  8. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Susie, I remember your father accusing J. of theft from years back. Why are you still tolerating this? He needs to be finally and firmly put in his place.
     
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I though he had been put in his place years ago. But apparently he got another bug up his tushie and here we are again.

    As for the phone, I have no clue. He says he is going to charge it, but it never ends up on the charging station. My mom is horrible about letting the battery run down, but it is her battery and not his.

    He tries to connect by spouting trivia about things that don't matter and then gets upset if you do not stop and pay attention (no matter what you are doing) and he also overdirects the smallest tasks. Summers when he was at home (he was a teacher) could be a long period of aggravation because he would tell us how to do everything, even tasks we had done for years and tasks he had not ever done. My mom deals with this every day now and it drives her nuts. She won't tell him to stop because then he starts a huge fight and can pout for days. He can be super hard to connect to.

    I firmly believe he is an Aspie and fixates on things. Over 30 years of teaching junior high left him with the very firm belief that all teenage girls steal/shoplift. He won't say anything to my niece (who IS a teenager) because she cuts off contact if she gets upset about something. Her mother demands nothing of her and has no morals in spite of her "I am a Christian" stance (has a drug problem and is an alcoholic, steals, etc...) and she has taught niece how to manipulate and scheme her way through life rather than how to actually be a good person. My dad actually cannot say out loud that niece steals partly because she may not ever see him again and partly because he is trying to believe that there is a good person underneath. Niece is likely the one who took the money if my mother didn't just misplace it, but my dad tends to deflect niece's behavior onto J. We have had discussions where this is pointed out and he gets better for a while.

    Jess is an adult now so I cannot really say that she cannot see my dad. I can however talk to my mother and get her to understand what is going on around her. My dad often will only say this stuff when she isn't around, so if i don't tell her then she cannot know. Usually she can help my dad get past hte fixation when just talking to him does absolutely no good. It is incredibly frustrating to me.
     
  10. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Sounds like, in this case, your niece is handling grandpa in the right way. Seems that is the only way to get him to modify his behavior.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm amazed your mother didn't leave him.

    I agree niece is dealing with him the best. She retains her power that way...he knows he has to respect her, or if she is treated badly, he will lose her. It sounds fair to me.
     
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