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How to help adult grandchildren re: difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 583770" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>My granddaughter has had to navigate through that same maze. I don't know how old your grandkids are, but what I do know is that it really is a different ball game for the kids, what they need to hear from you and know from you is that their reality is what is true. Detachment isn't the same for them, it's more about them knowing what the truth is.Therapy helps them. Therapists have told me, with all children from any kind of dysfunctional background, if they have just ONE adult on their side who validates their truth, that makes all the difference. Even if you only see them occasionally, but you tell them that their mother is not well, that how they feel is okay, that they can express how they feel to you, it will be okay. You can't save them from their mother, but you can validate their experience and share your own. </p><p></p><p>I come from an environment where mental illness and deception, manipulation and secrets reigned and it took therapy for me to find a healthy way, however, there were many adults along the way who validated my experience, who believed in me, who listened to me, who allowed me to express myself. That made a HUGE difference. There are also books you can get for them, depending on their age, you can do a google search about it, "children of bi-polar parents, children of narcissists", etc. </p><p></p><p>Other then the normal grandparenting role, their Dad should be the one responsible for their dealings with their mom. All you can do is be a safe place for them to come to, to be real, to be heard, to be seen, to have permission to be themselves and talk to you. And, you can tell them your truth about their mother, that IT ISN'T THEIR FAULT SHE IS THE WAY SHE IS. I told my granddaughter that constantly as she was growing up. And, I was always a safe place she could be, way before she came to live with me. You are not responsible for their fate any more then you are responsible for your daughter's fate. You can provide them with the usual grandparent role and then you have to let go and keep your boundaries intact. I know that's hard to do, they are so vulnerable, but it is their experience not yours, you must step back from it. How you help them the most is to tell them the truth, in dysfunctional families the truth is the most important thing, children can see the truth, so your job is to validate it for them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 583770, member: 13542"] My granddaughter has had to navigate through that same maze. I don't know how old your grandkids are, but what I do know is that it really is a different ball game for the kids, what they need to hear from you and know from you is that their reality is what is true. Detachment isn't the same for them, it's more about them knowing what the truth is.Therapy helps them. Therapists have told me, with all children from any kind of dysfunctional background, if they have just ONE adult on their side who validates their truth, that makes all the difference. Even if you only see them occasionally, but you tell them that their mother is not well, that how they feel is okay, that they can express how they feel to you, it will be okay. You can't save them from their mother, but you can validate their experience and share your own. I come from an environment where mental illness and deception, manipulation and secrets reigned and it took therapy for me to find a healthy way, however, there were many adults along the way who validated my experience, who believed in me, who listened to me, who allowed me to express myself. That made a HUGE difference. There are also books you can get for them, depending on their age, you can do a google search about it, "children of bi-polar parents, children of narcissists", etc. Other then the normal grandparenting role, their Dad should be the one responsible for their dealings with their mom. All you can do is be a safe place for them to come to, to be real, to be heard, to be seen, to have permission to be themselves and talk to you. And, you can tell them your truth about their mother, that IT ISN'T THEIR FAULT SHE IS THE WAY SHE IS. I told my granddaughter that constantly as she was growing up. And, I was always a safe place she could be, way before she came to live with me. You are not responsible for their fate any more then you are responsible for your daughter's fate. You can provide them with the usual grandparent role and then you have to let go and keep your boundaries intact. I know that's hard to do, they are so vulnerable, but it is their experience not yours, you must step back from it. How you help them the most is to tell them the truth, in dysfunctional families the truth is the most important thing, children can see the truth, so your job is to validate it for them. [/QUOTE]
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