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how to instill real change
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 395454" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I'm not the best person for advice, I can only speak for what I've done in kind of sort of similar situations and what I'd resort to for my own sake if I were in your shoes.</p><p></p><p>Re: husband's ex, the last minute adjustments etc . I'd personally opt out of the game. I'd kindly but firmly one last time assert that given the fact my previous requests for notice haven't worked out, you want both husband and his ex to know that 1) You will no longer agree to run for the kids schedule if it is something known ahead of time but not informed you of ahead of time. In other words, if something comes up uenxpectedly you will still do your best. But if something is scheduled and not relayed to you until last minute, they are wasting their time asking you to do what they'd like because you are standing firm on the fact it is disrespectful of you, your time, etc. I'd also be loving and kind about saying it, yet firm, with husband that you mean what you said first and foremost. And secondly, that it is hindering your relationship for his only 2 days off to have no schedule. It hurts abilities to make proper family plans and couple plans and it is disrespectful. i would say that if its a unexpected thing, its just fine. But if he fails to let you know the schedule ahead and that requires you to change your plans with him etc because you weren't alerted, you will simply be no longer scheduling or planning things together, you will just make your own plans and do your own thing and factor husband in if he happens to be available. It seems fair, and realistically in a relationship communication works 2 ways. He should be working with you on this.</p><p></p><p>As for your mom walking all over you, gosh i've been there done that. i would simply start making you own plans for things and if she opts in great, if she doesn't well its something she'll learn to live with or learn to work with you on. I am a believer that guilt traps us. We have no need to feel guilty for not being walked on. And yet many people don't "hear" us when we defend our stance. This could apply in your life to your mother and the kids, spouse, exs etc. So if you know communication alone from you won't change something, I say let go of expecting or hoping that they will change. Implement your own change. Stand firm on things and with no apologies for doing so either. With the kids, return to basics : Do to Get. No more negitating, communicating, requesting, making bargains, pleading, the list of things so many of us try. Let them have their noses out of joint, their problem not yours. If they do x, you'll do Z. Otherwise, too bad so sad!</p><p></p><p>No idea about the eating though <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 395454, member: 4264"] I'm not the best person for advice, I can only speak for what I've done in kind of sort of similar situations and what I'd resort to for my own sake if I were in your shoes. Re: husband's ex, the last minute adjustments etc . I'd personally opt out of the game. I'd kindly but firmly one last time assert that given the fact my previous requests for notice haven't worked out, you want both husband and his ex to know that 1) You will no longer agree to run for the kids schedule if it is something known ahead of time but not informed you of ahead of time. In other words, if something comes up uenxpectedly you will still do your best. But if something is scheduled and not relayed to you until last minute, they are wasting their time asking you to do what they'd like because you are standing firm on the fact it is disrespectful of you, your time, etc. I'd also be loving and kind about saying it, yet firm, with husband that you mean what you said first and foremost. And secondly, that it is hindering your relationship for his only 2 days off to have no schedule. It hurts abilities to make proper family plans and couple plans and it is disrespectful. i would say that if its a unexpected thing, its just fine. But if he fails to let you know the schedule ahead and that requires you to change your plans with him etc because you weren't alerted, you will simply be no longer scheduling or planning things together, you will just make your own plans and do your own thing and factor husband in if he happens to be available. It seems fair, and realistically in a relationship communication works 2 ways. He should be working with you on this. As for your mom walking all over you, gosh i've been there done that. i would simply start making you own plans for things and if she opts in great, if she doesn't well its something she'll learn to live with or learn to work with you on. I am a believer that guilt traps us. We have no need to feel guilty for not being walked on. And yet many people don't "hear" us when we defend our stance. This could apply in your life to your mother and the kids, spouse, exs etc. So if you know communication alone from you won't change something, I say let go of expecting or hoping that they will change. Implement your own change. Stand firm on things and with no apologies for doing so either. With the kids, return to basics : Do to Get. No more negitating, communicating, requesting, making bargains, pleading, the list of things so many of us try. Let them have their noses out of joint, their problem not yours. If they do x, you'll do Z. Otherwise, too bad so sad! No idea about the eating though :( [/QUOTE]
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