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How to know? disengage or help?
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<blockquote data-quote="Jabberwockey" data-source="post: 657393" data-attributes="member: 18238"><p>Sorry to be so blunt but the simple fact of the matter is that until someone seeks help they WONT accept it if offered. That goes for addicts, mental disorders, and those that are just wired differently from the main stream society. Your son is 34 years old, a grown man. He should be searching for these resources, not you. He should be paying for the cell phone, not you. Especially since the only reason he uses it to call you is to beg for more. My wife and I are going through similar circumstances with our 19 year old son who has abused drugs, stolen from us, lied to us, and burned every bridge my wife has built for him. Between my experiences with my son and my experiences working for almost a quarter of a century (GOD! Putting it that way makes me feel old!) I have learned that you simply cant help a person who doesn't want that help.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Seek counseling, seek support groups such as Al Annon or CODA. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Our son has tried that but he can be over confident when trying to manipulate his mom. The last time he tried to make her feel guilty about enjoying a meal or sleeping in an actual bed, I forget exactly what it was now, he did it right after REALLY upsetting her. Needless to say it back fired. The point is that you have nothing to feel guilty about with your son any more than you should feel guilty because a child is starving on the other side of the planet. He has made the decisions and committed the acts that have lead him to where he is now, not you. HE has done this to himself. As a parent, you are obligated to raise your children. If they chose to ignore what we have taught them and do things their way, its on them. </p><p></p><p>And for the record, yes, its apparently MUCH easier for fathers to detach than for mothers! Just remember, this didn't happen over night so it wont become significantly easier over night either. And by the way, there is a saying on this board you need to remember if someone gives advice that goes against your grain. We are all from different backgrounds and some from different countries. "Take what you want and leave the rest" because what works for me may not work for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Jabberwockey, post: 657393, member: 18238"] Sorry to be so blunt but the simple fact of the matter is that until someone seeks help they WONT accept it if offered. That goes for addicts, mental disorders, and those that are just wired differently from the main stream society. Your son is 34 years old, a grown man. He should be searching for these resources, not you. He should be paying for the cell phone, not you. Especially since the only reason he uses it to call you is to beg for more. My wife and I are going through similar circumstances with our 19 year old son who has abused drugs, stolen from us, lied to us, and burned every bridge my wife has built for him. Between my experiences with my son and my experiences working for almost a quarter of a century (GOD! Putting it that way makes me feel old!) I have learned that you simply cant help a person who doesn't want that help. Seek counseling, seek support groups such as Al Annon or CODA. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Our son has tried that but he can be over confident when trying to manipulate his mom. The last time he tried to make her feel guilty about enjoying a meal or sleeping in an actual bed, I forget exactly what it was now, he did it right after REALLY upsetting her. Needless to say it back fired. The point is that you have nothing to feel guilty about with your son any more than you should feel guilty because a child is starving on the other side of the planet. He has made the decisions and committed the acts that have lead him to where he is now, not you. HE has done this to himself. As a parent, you are obligated to raise your children. If they chose to ignore what we have taught them and do things their way, its on them. And for the record, yes, its apparently MUCH easier for fathers to detach than for mothers! Just remember, this didn't happen over night so it wont become significantly easier over night either. And by the way, there is a saying on this board you need to remember if someone gives advice that goes against your grain. We are all from different backgrounds and some from different countries. "Take what you want and leave the rest" because what works for me may not work for you. [/QUOTE]
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