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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 657423" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi JulieAnn, welcome to our group. I'm so glad you decided to post and share your story. We are all here for you and each other.</p><p>Your son is a year older than mine. They are not children anymore, they are grown men.</p><p>One thing that helped me to start detaching is to picture my son in my mind as an adult not my "baby" or "sweet little boy"</p><p>When we think of them as "a child" we by default as mothers go into "protection - mommy's going to make it all better" mode.</p><p>They are adults, we can't make it better for them. We do not have that kind of power. If it helps put a sticky note on your bathroom mirror that says "my son is an adult, he's resonsible for his own choices"</p><p> </p><p>You had mentioned that you sent him 6K. I'm also glad you said you have stopped sending money. One thing I have learned in dealing with my son is no amount of money will fix their problems.</p><p> </p><p>I had a similar desperate plea from son once time. He claimed he had cut his leg really bad and wanted my sisters phone # (she's a nurse) so he could get some antibiotics. I told him no, that she has no access to antibiotics that a Dr. has to write a prescription and if his leg was that bad he needed to go to an ER. Funny how the next day he posted on FB that he was going for a long hike in the mountains. Guess his leg had a miraculous healing.</p><p> </p><p>Oh the "Mother's Guilt" there's nothing like it. Because our Difficult Child have not "launched" into being responsible adults we feel we must have done something wrong. To compound this our Difficult Child continue to display their helplessness to us. We continue to see them as "our little baby" so we are compelled to help them. The more we help them the needier they become. We get stuck in that cycle. If we start to pull back our help they will often respond with blaming us, or threats of harming themselves, or threats of starving, or freezing, claims that we were never there for them, etc.......and the guilt compounds because we have convinced ourselves that we must have done something wrong.</p><p>There is no such thing as a perfect parent, we have all made mistakes along the way but we have done the very best we could to raise our children and that is enough. We first loved them, we fed them, clothed them, checked the closet for monsters, comforted them when they were sick, helped with homework, taught them right from wrong, etc.......</p><p>Know in your heart that you have done everything you could for your son. You went above and beyond, there is nothing more you can do.</p><p>It's ok to move on and live your life for yourself. It's ok to be happy and do fun things. It's ok to let go of your son. It's not only ok but it's a healthy thing to do for yourself and your son.</p><p> </p><p>Work on accepting that your son is living the life he chose and the consequences to his choices are just that, his.</p><p> </p><p>Start doing nice things for yourself. Simple things. Buy yourself some flowers, take a bubble bath, rent some movies you have always wanted to see. Be good to yourself, IT'S OK!!!!</p><p> </p><p>There are many of us here that used to think it was not possible to enjoy life, to detach from our Difficult Child but we have done it and you can too.</p><p> </p><p>Stay close to this site, keep posting, keep reading others stories. Create your "Toolbox" (thanks Childofmine) find the things that will help you cope, keep them in your toolbox and use them.</p><p> </p><p>I'm so glad you are here. Because you finally shared you are already starting process of detaching.</p><p> </p><p>((HUGS)) to you......................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 657423, member: 18516"] Hi JulieAnn, welcome to our group. I'm so glad you decided to post and share your story. We are all here for you and each other. Your son is a year older than mine. They are not children anymore, they are grown men. One thing that helped me to start detaching is to picture my son in my mind as an adult not my "baby" or "sweet little boy" When we think of them as "a child" we by default as mothers go into "protection - mommy's going to make it all better" mode. They are adults, we can't make it better for them. We do not have that kind of power. If it helps put a sticky note on your bathroom mirror that says "my son is an adult, he's resonsible for his own choices" You had mentioned that you sent him 6K. I'm also glad you said you have stopped sending money. One thing I have learned in dealing with my son is no amount of money will fix their problems. I had a similar desperate plea from son once time. He claimed he had cut his leg really bad and wanted my sisters phone # (she's a nurse) so he could get some antibiotics. I told him no, that she has no access to antibiotics that a Dr. has to write a prescription and if his leg was that bad he needed to go to an ER. Funny how the next day he posted on FB that he was going for a long hike in the mountains. Guess his leg had a miraculous healing. Oh the "Mother's Guilt" there's nothing like it. Because our Difficult Child have not "launched" into being responsible adults we feel we must have done something wrong. To compound this our Difficult Child continue to display their helplessness to us. We continue to see them as "our little baby" so we are compelled to help them. The more we help them the needier they become. We get stuck in that cycle. If we start to pull back our help they will often respond with blaming us, or threats of harming themselves, or threats of starving, or freezing, claims that we were never there for them, etc.......and the guilt compounds because we have convinced ourselves that we must have done something wrong. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, we have all made mistakes along the way but we have done the very best we could to raise our children and that is enough. We first loved them, we fed them, clothed them, checked the closet for monsters, comforted them when they were sick, helped with homework, taught them right from wrong, etc....... Know in your heart that you have done everything you could for your son. You went above and beyond, there is nothing more you can do. It's ok to move on and live your life for yourself. It's ok to be happy and do fun things. It's ok to let go of your son. It's not only ok but it's a healthy thing to do for yourself and your son. Work on accepting that your son is living the life he chose and the consequences to his choices are just that, his. Start doing nice things for yourself. Simple things. Buy yourself some flowers, take a bubble bath, rent some movies you have always wanted to see. Be good to yourself, IT'S OK!!!! There are many of us here that used to think it was not possible to enjoy life, to detach from our Difficult Child but we have done it and you can too. Stay close to this site, keep posting, keep reading others stories. Create your "Toolbox" (thanks Childofmine) find the things that will help you cope, keep them in your toolbox and use them. I'm so glad you are here. Because you finally shared you are already starting process of detaching. ((HUGS)) to you...................... [/QUOTE]
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