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how to let go and have a life
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 495787" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thank you for your kind words, it is so helpful. I need to hear that I am doing the "right" thing, it's easy to fall into the guilts, the responsibility for my daughter, to see it from the old perspective, that she can't make good choices so therefore I must do it for her. I understand what you are all saying, it is time to let go, she isn't a kid anymore, she'll be 40 this year! Yikes. </p><p></p><p>Nancy, it's helpful to hear that your daughter actually started to get it together, of course, that is my greatest wish. But, you know, I also have to accept the idea that she may not get it together, she may really be that bag lady on the side of the road. That's a real leap for me to make in all of this. The other day I was driving through town and saw an older woman pushing a grocery cart on the sidewalk, obviously homeless, and I immediately thought that could be my daughter very soon. We don't have homeless folks in our town (yet) so seeing that was pretty sad on lots of levels, but to think it could be my child was a pretty horrible thought. I know I have to get better at containing those scary thoughts, I think that is my biggest challenge now, to stop "catastrophizing" as a therapist called it, scaring myself with thoughts that are not real, worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet. It's a real process. Every night before I go to bed, when I look at the ice on the roofs I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, to think of her out there somewhere, wow, who'd have thought it would turn out this way. But, you are all right, I have to concentrate on my granddaughter now, who as I said, is a real delight. She has come along way in letting her mom go, she's done a better job then I have in fact. She told me weeks ago, before I threw my daughter out of our home, that it was time to let go, that I had done enough already. That made me really think about all of it. </p><p></p><p>I see it as a process, Signorina said it was taking bites out of an elephant, thanks, that's perfect. I've been taking bites for years, always hoping my daughter would just wake up, but I think that kept me stuck there too, that hope. A few months ago I started thinking, Geez, she may never get it, she may just keep sinking lower and lower, and that was a turning point for me, the death of hope. You always want your kids to be happy and successful and giving up the hope that my daughter would ever get that was pretty tough, but it was also the beginning of the cord being severed. </p><p></p><p>And, thanks toughlovin, for saying that my story helps you. Wow, a 20 year old you have to let go of, my heart goes out to you. I guess none of us ever expected that we would be put in the position of keeping our children away from us and our families. </p><p></p><p>And, Kathy813, thanks for the book referrals, I read Beattie's book a couple of times, today I'm ordering the other one you mentioned. And, yes, that was helpful to hear about your ability to compartmentalize, I can do that too, I didn't realize that, but you're right, that helps to go on with life. When I leave for work in the morning, I leave home at home, and for the most part, except for when I scare myself with frightening thoughts about what can happen to my daughter, I can put her drama aside. She has been living in chaos and drama for so long, that strategy has been a life saver. But, I never looked at it like that, so thanks.</p><p></p><p>One really good thing is that since taking so much of my focus off of my daughter, I can relax more and focus more on my granddaughter. She is in the 10th grade and has a lot of friends and a lot of teenage fun. She is nothing like her mother, thank God, she is really a wonderful 'normal' kid. I've been there for her for her whole life, sort of running interference between she and her mother when she still lived with her mother. I hadn't realized how important that was for her, to always have me there telling her it isn't your fault, your mother is unstable, it's your mothers problem, not yours. Now I can see that allowed her to thrive separately, not blaming herself, as kids will do. Whew. I guess she and I have been dodging bullets for a long time. </p><p></p><p>I'm not entirely sure how to keep posting, do I keep writing on this "thread" or start a new one, is there some format I should be following, I've really not participated in anything like this before, so it's all new to me.</p><p></p><p>Thank you all for your support, it is very valuable to me and I am wonderfully grateful!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 495787, member: 13542"] Thank you for your kind words, it is so helpful. I need to hear that I am doing the "right" thing, it's easy to fall into the guilts, the responsibility for my daughter, to see it from the old perspective, that she can't make good choices so therefore I must do it for her. I understand what you are all saying, it is time to let go, she isn't a kid anymore, she'll be 40 this year! Yikes. Nancy, it's helpful to hear that your daughter actually started to get it together, of course, that is my greatest wish. But, you know, I also have to accept the idea that she may not get it together, she may really be that bag lady on the side of the road. That's a real leap for me to make in all of this. The other day I was driving through town and saw an older woman pushing a grocery cart on the sidewalk, obviously homeless, and I immediately thought that could be my daughter very soon. We don't have homeless folks in our town (yet) so seeing that was pretty sad on lots of levels, but to think it could be my child was a pretty horrible thought. I know I have to get better at containing those scary thoughts, I think that is my biggest challenge now, to stop "catastrophizing" as a therapist called it, scaring myself with thoughts that are not real, worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet. It's a real process. Every night before I go to bed, when I look at the ice on the roofs I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, to think of her out there somewhere, wow, who'd have thought it would turn out this way. But, you are all right, I have to concentrate on my granddaughter now, who as I said, is a real delight. She has come along way in letting her mom go, she's done a better job then I have in fact. She told me weeks ago, before I threw my daughter out of our home, that it was time to let go, that I had done enough already. That made me really think about all of it. I see it as a process, Signorina said it was taking bites out of an elephant, thanks, that's perfect. I've been taking bites for years, always hoping my daughter would just wake up, but I think that kept me stuck there too, that hope. A few months ago I started thinking, Geez, she may never get it, she may just keep sinking lower and lower, and that was a turning point for me, the death of hope. You always want your kids to be happy and successful and giving up the hope that my daughter would ever get that was pretty tough, but it was also the beginning of the cord being severed. And, thanks toughlovin, for saying that my story helps you. Wow, a 20 year old you have to let go of, my heart goes out to you. I guess none of us ever expected that we would be put in the position of keeping our children away from us and our families. And, Kathy813, thanks for the book referrals, I read Beattie's book a couple of times, today I'm ordering the other one you mentioned. And, yes, that was helpful to hear about your ability to compartmentalize, I can do that too, I didn't realize that, but you're right, that helps to go on with life. When I leave for work in the morning, I leave home at home, and for the most part, except for when I scare myself with frightening thoughts about what can happen to my daughter, I can put her drama aside. She has been living in chaos and drama for so long, that strategy has been a life saver. But, I never looked at it like that, so thanks. One really good thing is that since taking so much of my focus off of my daughter, I can relax more and focus more on my granddaughter. She is in the 10th grade and has a lot of friends and a lot of teenage fun. She is nothing like her mother, thank God, she is really a wonderful 'normal' kid. I've been there for her for her whole life, sort of running interference between she and her mother when she still lived with her mother. I hadn't realized how important that was for her, to always have me there telling her it isn't your fault, your mother is unstable, it's your mothers problem, not yours. Now I can see that allowed her to thrive separately, not blaming herself, as kids will do. Whew. I guess she and I have been dodging bullets for a long time. I'm not entirely sure how to keep posting, do I keep writing on this "thread" or start a new one, is there some format I should be following, I've really not participated in anything like this before, so it's all new to me. Thank you all for your support, it is very valuable to me and I am wonderfully grateful!! [/QUOTE]
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