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How to recover ourselves after difficult child-induced trauma?
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 595774" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>We did that, too! And bought cars. (Which would be destroyed in the strangest ways. Like, windshields broken with sledge hammers. More than once. difficult child's last car (which we hadn't bought her) wound up with a smashed windshield, too. </p><p></p><p>We paid fines, Driver's License fees, deposits. </p><p></p><p>We moved difficult child into, and out of, apartments we (mostly, husband) found for her. </p><p></p><p>We got her registered for school time and again. </p><p></p><p>Paid for books and parking tickets.</p><p></p><p>I do understand why we do it. As Recovering said to me in one post or another, we are responding in the ways, and are doing the things, all responsible parents do for their children. The difference is that a difficult child is a difficult child. When I really stop and get it that my difficult child is nearing 40 (!) I can hardly believe the depth of emotion I (we) experience when things are going badly for our adult child. </p><p></p><p>So, it looks like we never lose those parenting instincts.</p><p></p><p>husband is more level-headed than I am about such things. He suffers because I suffer when all I think about, worry about, fixate on, is difficult child.</p><p></p><p>This is something Recovering also said to me: As much joy as we would take in their successes, all the joy every parent takes in their successful children...these things are turned into worry, for the parent of a difficult child child. (Paraphrase ~ I could never write as Recovering does. She wrote it in such a way that I did not feel judged. I felt supported. :O) Anyway, the point being that we are not abnormal. We aren't such clinging parents, such people without a life, that we have created the situations with our difficult children, that we have smothered them into codependence so we would have something to do.</p><p></p><p>I wonder about that. About causing this somehow through micro-managing. COULD THERE BE ONE MORE THING, ANYTHING AT ALL, LEFT FOR ME TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT, I WONDER?!?</p><p></p><p>We are who parents are supposed to be. Family should be supportive, should help one another when that is required, should celebrate each others triumphs and have each other's backs.</p><p></p><p>And do you know that is just what our difficult child says when she wants something to this day?</p><p></p><p>They twist, and echo back the values we raised them with.</p><p></p><p>And it works, every time. </p><p></p><p>My goodness.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Which is something I think about sometimes, when I realize that, at 40, difficult child is as adult as she is going to get, and I am still rescuing.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 595774, member: 1721"] We did that, too! And bought cars. (Which would be destroyed in the strangest ways. Like, windshields broken with sledge hammers. More than once. difficult child's last car (which we hadn't bought her) wound up with a smashed windshield, too. We paid fines, Driver's License fees, deposits. We moved difficult child into, and out of, apartments we (mostly, husband) found for her. We got her registered for school time and again. Paid for books and parking tickets. I do understand why we do it. As Recovering said to me in one post or another, we are responding in the ways, and are doing the things, all responsible parents do for their children. The difference is that a difficult child is a difficult child. When I really stop and get it that my difficult child is nearing 40 (!) I can hardly believe the depth of emotion I (we) experience when things are going badly for our adult child. So, it looks like we never lose those parenting instincts. husband is more level-headed than I am about such things. He suffers because I suffer when all I think about, worry about, fixate on, is difficult child. This is something Recovering also said to me: As much joy as we would take in their successes, all the joy every parent takes in their successful children...these things are turned into worry, for the parent of a difficult child child. (Paraphrase ~ I could never write as Recovering does. She wrote it in such a way that I did not feel judged. I felt supported. :O) Anyway, the point being that we are not abnormal. We aren't such clinging parents, such people without a life, that we have created the situations with our difficult children, that we have smothered them into codependence so we would have something to do. I wonder about that. About causing this somehow through micro-managing. COULD THERE BE ONE MORE THING, ANYTHING AT ALL, LEFT FOR ME TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT, I WONDER?!? We are who parents are supposed to be. Family should be supportive, should help one another when that is required, should celebrate each others triumphs and have each other's backs. And do you know that is just what our difficult child says when she wants something to this day? They twist, and echo back the values we raised them with. And it works, every time. My goodness. Barbara Which is something I think about sometimes, when I realize that, at 40, difficult child is as adult as she is going to get, and I am still rescuing. [/QUOTE]
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