Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
How to recover ourselves after difficult child-induced trauma?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 595779" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>The damage caused by years of hyper-vigilance is remarkable. In reading everyone's responses, I would venture to say that most of us here on this board suffer in some part from this kind of stress. And, letting it go takes an enormous effort. After awhile, it simply becomes who you are and what you do. I've been surrounded by difficult child's my entire life and the rest of my life has been about getting over them and what they bring to you.</p><p></p><p>Barbara, I did that insane rescuing last year, flying all over handling stuff while my difficult child was in jail, trying to get her car out of impound, paying for her registration, paying, paying, paying, giving, giving, giving, worrying, worrying, worrying.............until one day I just broke, sitting in the car with my SO after having driven from town to town, getting all the wrong advice from police and authorities as to how to actually retrieve her car..............while she sat in jail, doing nothing. I cried and cried and cried, I felt like I just broke. In that moment, I could feel what all of this had done to me. Little by little after that moment, I started stepping back, one little step at a time. Each time it was hard, another loss, another pang of guilt but with <u>massive</u> amounts of support from therapy, groups, this board, lots of acupuncture, yoga, meditation, friends and an enormous commitment to change and find peace......... I continued in that process. </p><p></p><p>If I could learn how to be that rescuer, that codependent, that hovering parent, I could UN-learn it, that was my philosophy. I could little by little unhook myself from the negative parts of the connection with my difficult child that didn't work for either one of us. I could untangle the massive knot that had developed over years of my taking responsibility for my daughter's choices and her life. In every way, it's been the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, because for me, it goes against my very nature, so I've had to learn tools I never would have learned if it weren't for my difficult child. </p><p></p><p>It's been a process, I do think you can learn a new way of living and it requires that we see our own behaviors first. Like you are doing Barbara, noticing how it overtakes you, puts you in that drive to fix it which leaves reason and sanity behind and puts us in a powerful and extremely toxic vortex which literally takes us over. Getting out of that vortex is the first step. Learning to NOT go in it in the first place is the second step. Learning to step back and feel what you feel and not react is the third step. That one is tough, because now we have to sit in our own fears and guilt and anxieties. Yikes. It's almost easier to fix them! Then it feels like it's practice to keep stepping back and focusing on ourselves. Learning to take the focus off of 'them' and put it on us is quite the process, let me tell you. And, doing that in a loving way, a compassionate way, not an angry, get out of my life, way, is also filled with mine fields. </p><p></p><p>I am noticing now how worry is a habit, trying to avert catastrophes had become my life's work. I am resigning from that job, it is clearly time to retire now. Every day I continue to choose love and joy and peace over worry and fear and guilt. It's working too, little by little, it really is working. So, there is hope. Keep it up.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 595779, member: 13542"] The damage caused by years of hyper-vigilance is remarkable. In reading everyone's responses, I would venture to say that most of us here on this board suffer in some part from this kind of stress. And, letting it go takes an enormous effort. After awhile, it simply becomes who you are and what you do. I've been surrounded by difficult child's my entire life and the rest of my life has been about getting over them and what they bring to you. Barbara, I did that insane rescuing last year, flying all over handling stuff while my difficult child was in jail, trying to get her car out of impound, paying for her registration, paying, paying, paying, giving, giving, giving, worrying, worrying, worrying.............until one day I just broke, sitting in the car with my SO after having driven from town to town, getting all the wrong advice from police and authorities as to how to actually retrieve her car..............while she sat in jail, doing nothing. I cried and cried and cried, I felt like I just broke. In that moment, I could feel what all of this had done to me. Little by little after that moment, I started stepping back, one little step at a time. Each time it was hard, another loss, another pang of guilt but with [U]massive[/U] amounts of support from therapy, groups, this board, lots of acupuncture, yoga, meditation, friends and an enormous commitment to change and find peace......... I continued in that process. If I could learn how to be that rescuer, that codependent, that hovering parent, I could UN-learn it, that was my philosophy. I could little by little unhook myself from the negative parts of the connection with my difficult child that didn't work for either one of us. I could untangle the massive knot that had developed over years of my taking responsibility for my daughter's choices and her life. In every way, it's been the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, because for me, it goes against my very nature, so I've had to learn tools I never would have learned if it weren't for my difficult child. It's been a process, I do think you can learn a new way of living and it requires that we see our own behaviors first. Like you are doing Barbara, noticing how it overtakes you, puts you in that drive to fix it which leaves reason and sanity behind and puts us in a powerful and extremely toxic vortex which literally takes us over. Getting out of that vortex is the first step. Learning to NOT go in it in the first place is the second step. Learning to step back and feel what you feel and not react is the third step. That one is tough, because now we have to sit in our own fears and guilt and anxieties. Yikes. It's almost easier to fix them! Then it feels like it's practice to keep stepping back and focusing on ourselves. Learning to take the focus off of 'them' and put it on us is quite the process, let me tell you. And, doing that in a loving way, a compassionate way, not an angry, get out of my life, way, is also filled with mine fields. I am noticing now how worry is a habit, trying to avert catastrophes had become my life's work. I am resigning from that job, it is clearly time to retire now. Every day I continue to choose love and joy and peace over worry and fear and guilt. It's working too, little by little, it really is working. So, there is hope. Keep it up. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
How to recover ourselves after difficult child-induced trauma?
Top