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How to recover ourselves after difficult child-induced trauma?
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 595781" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Here is what I know about the housework thing: back when all this started happening with difficult child (years ago, when she was an adolescent), husband and I both just stopped doing anything but routine maintenance. Prior to that, we were so happy with our little family, with our house and the garden and all the little things that make a home. The way the sun shone into the dining room at breakfast, the way the grass looked, watered and freshly mowed. You know what I mean. After a while, we understood that we had come to believe that, no matter how beautifully we had believed we were doing, raising our family and making our way in the world...it must somehow have been a fraud. We must have been wrong, gone wrong somewhere. And that our child was acting out, was the one suffering for it. (This actually dovetailed nicely with what family on both sides believed, given their responses to difficult child and their questions to and about, us.)</p><p></p><p>That feeling lasted for a long time, actually.</p><p></p><p>We eventually sold that house.</p><p></p><p>And to this day, that house that we built when our children were young, that house that we thought was filled with love and good, healthy things ~ lots of family, lots of pets, lots of food and vacations and music ~ our memories of that house, and of those times, are haunted. Darkened.</p><p></p><p>It wasn't until it happened again, just recently with difficult child, that we understood, just a little, that maybe, just maybe...our child had always had problems.</p><p></p><p>That maybe all those things we had come to believe about ourselves, as parents and as people, needed to be re-evaluated.</p><p></p><p>You and your family deserve to take joy in your lives. You deserve to take joy in and to celebrate, your beautiful home, your beautiful family, your incredible mate, the unmitigated wonder of what you have created, against all odds.</p><p></p><p>So now? The first thing I do in the morning is put everything in order. I get onto husband about letting things go, about not having the heart to do what he planned to do, before this happened to us again. We are slower to do those good things for ourselves, now. Sometimes, we sort of snap out of it and make plans that, in another time, would have been a celebration of who we are, of the life we have chosen to create. The end result always tastes a little dusty. It's that same old "how can I enjoy all that I have when my child is in trouble and has nothing" scenario.</p><p></p><p>Until I read that piece about housework? </p><p></p><p>I thought we were the only ones.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 595781, member: 1721"] Here is what I know about the housework thing: back when all this started happening with difficult child (years ago, when she was an adolescent), husband and I both just stopped doing anything but routine maintenance. Prior to that, we were so happy with our little family, with our house and the garden and all the little things that make a home. The way the sun shone into the dining room at breakfast, the way the grass looked, watered and freshly mowed. You know what I mean. After a while, we understood that we had come to believe that, no matter how beautifully we had believed we were doing, raising our family and making our way in the world...it must somehow have been a fraud. We must have been wrong, gone wrong somewhere. And that our child was acting out, was the one suffering for it. (This actually dovetailed nicely with what family on both sides believed, given their responses to difficult child and their questions to and about, us.) That feeling lasted for a long time, actually. We eventually sold that house. And to this day, that house that we built when our children were young, that house that we thought was filled with love and good, healthy things ~ lots of family, lots of pets, lots of food and vacations and music ~ our memories of that house, and of those times, are haunted. Darkened. It wasn't until it happened again, just recently with difficult child, that we understood, just a little, that maybe, just maybe...our child had always had problems. That maybe all those things we had come to believe about ourselves, as parents and as people, needed to be re-evaluated. You and your family deserve to take joy in your lives. You deserve to take joy in and to celebrate, your beautiful home, your beautiful family, your incredible mate, the unmitigated wonder of what you have created, against all odds. So now? The first thing I do in the morning is put everything in order. I get onto husband about letting things go, about not having the heart to do what he planned to do, before this happened to us again. We are slower to do those good things for ourselves, now. Sometimes, we sort of snap out of it and make plans that, in another time, would have been a celebration of who we are, of the life we have chosen to create. The end result always tastes a little dusty. It's that same old "how can I enjoy all that I have when my child is in trouble and has nothing" scenario. Until I read that piece about housework? I thought we were the only ones. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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