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Parent Emeritus
How to recover ourselves after difficult child-induced trauma?
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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 595815" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>I know I've posted this here before, so forgive me if I'm repetitive, but this phrase from my therapist helped me above all, when I was in my worst "rescuing" mode:</p><p></p><p>"You're working harder than she is."</p><p></p><p>It just summed it up perfectly for me. Why should I spend my time and effort (and sometimes money) researching options for my difficult child, when she's spending little to no effort? Why should I expend more energy worrying about my difficult child's situation than she is? She wasn't worried about it.. what's the point of me worrying? Whenever I fall into those old patterns, my therapist will say, "you're doing it again. Working harder than she is." I've learned to say it to myself, as well. It helps immensely, and that little phrase has stopped me from enabling many, many times. I practially had it written on a virtual post-it-note in my head at one point. Eventually, I got it. I'm not working for them any more. Not my job.</p><p></p><p>I still have PTSD reactions to certain situations. I probably always will. That moment I hear the latest difficult child escapade and my brain and heart go into the endless "what if" cycle of thinking (obsessing, really). It happens less frequently these days, though, and is shorter-lived. I recognize it for what it is, and am able to kick myself in the butt to stop it. If I don't, my therapist does. </p><p></p><p>Thereapy, practice, and time are what I credit with getting me to this point. As RE says, it's a process. It doesn't happen quickly. It's taken me years. You have to forgive yourself for failing along the way. But as I said in an earlier post, each time I react the RIGHT way, it's a win for me -- and that feels good. I like feeling good (after appropriate boundaries/reactions) better than I like feeling bad (after enabling and panicked reactions). <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 595815, member: 1157"] I know I've posted this here before, so forgive me if I'm repetitive, but this phrase from my therapist helped me above all, when I was in my worst "rescuing" mode: "You're working harder than she is." It just summed it up perfectly for me. Why should I spend my time and effort (and sometimes money) researching options for my difficult child, when she's spending little to no effort? Why should I expend more energy worrying about my difficult child's situation than she is? She wasn't worried about it.. what's the point of me worrying? Whenever I fall into those old patterns, my therapist will say, "you're doing it again. Working harder than she is." I've learned to say it to myself, as well. It helps immensely, and that little phrase has stopped me from enabling many, many times. I practially had it written on a virtual post-it-note in my head at one point. Eventually, I got it. I'm not working for them any more. Not my job. I still have PTSD reactions to certain situations. I probably always will. That moment I hear the latest difficult child escapade and my brain and heart go into the endless "what if" cycle of thinking (obsessing, really). It happens less frequently these days, though, and is shorter-lived. I recognize it for what it is, and am able to kick myself in the butt to stop it. If I don't, my therapist does. Thereapy, practice, and time are what I credit with getting me to this point. As RE says, it's a process. It doesn't happen quickly. It's taken me years. You have to forgive yourself for failing along the way. But as I said in an earlier post, each time I react the RIGHT way, it's a win for me -- and that feels good. I like feeling good (after appropriate boundaries/reactions) better than I like feeling bad (after enabling and panicked reactions). :) [/QUOTE]
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How to recover ourselves after difficult child-induced trauma?
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