How to stay out of his business???

[toughlovin]

Hi all,

OK I am struggling once again with not enabling my son, or as my therapist would say staying out of his business. This is a very hard one for me right now.

I get when he is being really out of control how to not enable him and let him get in trouble and let the chips fall where they may. I have done that and i will do it again.

What I am struggling with now is he is doing a lot better. He took some really good steps, did the school work to get his diploma. We let him come back home and within a week he got a job! Which is huge because in the previous 2 years he had not done that. He has been working the last two weeks. So progress is happening.

I am getting that i should not remind him to get up in the morning that if he loses his job that is yet another hard lesson. That is very hard for me to do.

This morning he has a court date. It is so stupid because he has 10 hours of comm serv and then the case is dismissed. Gone. He has done the comm serv so all he has to do is go and show the court he has done it!!! Very simple, very easy. If he does not show up good chance they will put out a warrant fo his arrest. Very stupid to let that happen.

So I just went into to remind him. He said he knows and rolled over and went back to sleep. I know I have to now walk away and I will.....but jeez louise can't he just get up and get going?

I want him to succeed and get through this so much but I guess I just can't want it more than he does. I have to let go and let him do it and if that means messing up (once again) then so be it.

OK I am off to work.... and will try and just forget about it and see what happens.

How do the rest of you do this when your kids are doing better? I am finding it much harder to detach now that he is making progress.

 

[CrazyinVA]

It's easy to get a false sense of security when things are going better. I find myself on edge, waiting for the next crisis to occur. I think that some minimal "nudging" is ok, i.e. reminder of the court date, but once, and you're done. I think that's perfectly fine. But, it's a fine line with a difficult child. The key is to pay attention to your own feelings about it.. if you start to feel anxious and your thinking turns to "omg he's going to screw up if I don't remind him to do this," it's probably time to back off a bit and practice more detachment.

 

[Marcie Mac]

Its definately hard to step back and detach. I realize that I did some of the helicopter mom stuff not so much for difficult child, but for myself - an attempt to avoid any kind of rammifications that come back on me in the way of anxiety, panic, stress or just plain ole having to even waste brain energy and think about his actions (or lack of)

Marcie

 

[Mom2oddson]

I think this is the hardest part of having a difficult child. How do you let go when they decide to make a u-turn and head back across jack-*** bridge? Especially when it seems that they were heading away from there. It's the one issue that I have to work on everyday. Chances are, your difficult child is going to blow off court and make a mess of things. And he will have to go to court to squash his warrent, pay additional fine or do additional community services, and hopefully learn this time through.

Sometimes I think my difficult child HAS TO push the limits to see if there will be consequences. He has to see if he can cross the line without consequences or how test how bad the consequences will be. It just seems to be hard-wired into him. And there is nothing I can do to prevent it. I've tried for how many years? So, I watch my little birdie fly through storm after storm knowing that he could choose a different flight path but won't. And that is where I find my strength to detach.... he WON'T. It is his life. He has the right to make the worst choices possible. But I love him just the same! I always will. And if he wants me to help him, he knows that he can ask. And 99.9% of times, he chooses not to ask.

Do something nice for yourself today. Practice your self-care. {{{hugs}}}

 

[DammitJanet]

I agree with Mom2. I used to remind...especially when I was the bond holder. Then I really made sure he was in court...lol. Now, I hardly pay attention. I may find out a few days later if he had a court date. I am perfectly happy to be asked to find out when a court date is on the computer if I am asked nicely or I might provide a ride if given gas money but I am not going to stress over it anymore. ( I say this until he ends up in jail again...lol )

Mine has gotten quite good at figuring out how to solve his own court issues. I assume he uses a bit of manipulation and a woe is me story on them but if it works for him, fine and dandy. Not my problem. I have extracted that much from my life. I do still help him out with rides to work a bit which I probably shouldnt do but since I guess I havent made that a boundary, it is okay.

 

[toughlovin]

Thank you all for your comments. It is true I partly keep checking on him because of my anxiety and my waiting for the next shoe to drop. I don't have a lot of faith in him and I am sure he knows that and it probably really bugs him. Building faith, like trust takes some time.

So he did call me at 8:45 and ask me the address of the courthouse. Lol. I found it and gave it to him and then asked if he had the letter showing the comm serv. That annoyed him and I can see why because that is the lack of faith thing.

So I am holding onto my fingers so I don't text him and ask him how it went...I can wait till I see him.