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Failure to Thrive
How to take control of my circumstances and my destiny. II
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<blockquote data-quote="rebelson" data-source="post: 693729" data-attributes="member: 19966"><p>I think he was trying to get your goat.</p><p></p><p>I found this on passive aggression: "Employers can use passive aggression when confronted with employee problems, turning a blind eye, not facing facts or dealing with genuine cases of bullying and intimidation." </p><p></p><p>Your supervisors' responses to your requests for assistance with learning the ropes, was that they turned a blind eye. </p><p></p><p>You are 100% correct. He had NO right to say that to you. Inappropriate. Slightly intimidating.</p><p></p><p>Copa, I have spent most of my life allowing people to get away with hurting, intimidating me.</p><p>I have been very slow to 'defend' myself, on many, many, many occasions. It's almost like my mind <em><span style="color: #b300b3"><strong>freezes up</strong></span></em>. So much so, that later that day, after the incident has passed, I am kicking myself in the a*s saying "<em>you're an idiot! why did you let them SAY that to you...and get away with it? You said or did nothing in defense of yourself!" </em></p><p></p><p>I also find myself ruminating on it. Obsessing on it. Trying to figure out <em><u>what they meant by that</u></em>. I walk away feeling UNlikable. Defective. "What is <em>wrong</em> with me?" that people take to hurting me so?</p><p></p><p>I am an EASY target. Perhaps, people see that?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I have too. I think this is the crux of my issues. And possibly yours.</p><p></p><p>Yes. When someone hurts me, shuns me or is harsh/mean to me...I have often thought '<em>what is wrong with you? you must've done something to deserve that</em>...'</p><p>But as I get older, and my son has now ongoing addiction issues, I have less energy to give to this. My internal coping mechanisms have recently, more and more, shut down to this dilemma. Trying to 'put it away' for good. I just am feeling more like "<em>I don't care anymore why x, y or z said that to me...I did nothing, there is nothing I can think of where I deserved __________."</em></p><p></p><p>I have mulled over this a thousands times, as I wrote just above^^^.</p><p></p><p>I think this is <em><strong>profound</strong></em>. My newer default when this occurs with someone and my thought is what you wrote - is to quietly remove myself for awhile. Sort of cutting them off, but not cutting them off. If that makes any sense.</p><p></p><p>An example: changing the ability of a FB 'friend' that had hurt me, from being able to see all my posts, pictures to where she can only see what the public can see. Not much. She probably <em>didn't even notice</em>. Probably childish, but it made me feel better. I am very private and if someone hurts me, I will cut them off from my inner, private, family world.</p><p></p><p>I have a good friend in my children's 'homeschool field trip group' who can be very abrasive, pushy, (<em>so NOT me</em>) and she seems to command respect from most of the other moms. I am pretty laid back, try to be kind, friendly-I get snubbed all the time. It hurts.</p><p></p><p>This particular friend, I will call her "C", recently <em>seemed</em> to come to my aid. Our children are GOOD friends & take some classes at a fine arts school. While they are in classes, most of the moms sit in the waiting area. Some do leave to shop and/or enjoy the free child hour or 2. While these moms sit there, they all 'chat'. (I know them all, but not close friends with all.) I have always found this type of scenario of chit-chat, small talk, difficult...or forced. I prefer a one-on-one with someone. Two of these moms have been talking for the past few months of starting a Speech and Debate club for the kids. Well, recently the plans are all ironed out and it's a go for the fall. Over a week ago, they sent out an email to around 10 (apparently) <em>select</em> other moms, to give the details and starting date/address for 1st meeting. I was not one of the recipients of this email. At one point, I had mentioned to them what a 'cool club' idea that was. My friend, C, was one of the recipients. She forwarded the email to me, cc'ing the original mom-who left me out-saying "<em>yes I am still interested and I forwarded to a friend who is interested also". </em>That was a week ago. It hurt me to see that I was left out. I could see all the moms email addresses up in the TO: line. I was obvi not there. I feel like those 2 moms did it on purpose, as they do not really interact with or talk to me. I am <em>always</em> the first one to say 'hi'. I feel the coldness, why? I do not know. I cannot stand cattiness. If someone treats me this way, I do like you mentioned. I bolt. I cut them off. I will still be pleasant to these 2 moms, but I will not get close to them. That is my <em>protection</em>. Who will protect me, if not myself? This is where my childhood wounds continue to haunt me. My own mother, father <em>did not take care of, protect me</em>. But, it was their job to. They failed this little girl. I am a grown woman on the outside, but a fragile, wounded little girl on the inside.</p><p></p><p>So, back to the story. Last week, I emailed the 2 moms and cc'd my friend, C. I said:</p><p><em>"I think this is a great idea! Is there going to be an informational meeting on it? I do not have any specific details on it, or what’s involved. Thanks!"</em></p><p></p><p>Do you know that crickets are still chirping? No response. To me, the silence is key. It seems I am not welcomed. That is my thought process, maybe from my childhood wounds. I have abandonment issues. Do my children suffer because I am defective in some way? Even if they do respond and invite us, do I want my children to be around <em><strong>this</strong></em>? </p><p></p><p>Now, I am upset at myself. For writing that email to these moms. That I gave them the chance to rub my wound. But is this wrong, defective thinking? I don't know. I just know that I have often felt excluded by women.</p><p></p><p>No issues whatsoever with men. I feel like I connect better with men. If I could (I am married, so cannot) I'd have mostly 'men' friends. They are easier to connect with, less judgmental. Not catty or jealous. I also am an attractive, fit person and do not look my age. I feel like some moms are intimidated by me. Because I am often shunned by women, over the years I have made sure that I come off as a friendly person. And don't have resting b*tch face, or something. Lol. I also find that most women don't have interest in me or tend to ask questions. I am the opposite, I am interested in others and I think that I make them feel good because I ask them questions and am truly interested in them.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I just admit to myself that I am a freak & I have mild Asperger's. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/unsure.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":unsure:" title="unsure :unsure:" data-shortname=":unsure:" /> And, I must do something to rub women the wrong way, in person. Those moms who sit in the waiting area are there pretty much both the days my kids attend classes there. I feel a large amt of anxiety as I never know if they will shun me or include me. I am not a pushy person, so I have trouble just inserting myself into their conversations.</p><p></p><p>This has become so stressful for me, that I think I just need to do what I have to do to feel comfortable. Sit in my car & listen to music or go run errands during class. </p><p></p><p>Will they think I am being rude or snobby by not sitting there anymore? Will their cattiness to me become more justifiable in their minds as I change what I've been doing (sitting with them to not sitting with them)?</p><p></p><p>This is my new worry. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/frown.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":frown:" title="frown :frown:" data-shortname=":frown:" /></p><p></p><p>Lately, with my son's current situation - in recovery - recent relapse - I think I am obsessing more. I am truly tired of wondering why people often are harsh to or hurtful to me. I feel like I have a target on my back and/or forehead. I just feel like I need to embrace the way I am.</p><p></p><p>Just to note also, I seem to like the more 'odd' people I meet. If there is an eccentric person, I attract them to me. Maybe it is because the more eccentric ones understand me better? Are interesting to me? Not catty? My friend, C. She is 'different', like I said. One thing about her, she <em>tells it like it is</em>. I <strong>like</strong> that! She is a 'friend'. A real friend will tell you the truth, they are honest with you. Faux friends not so much, they will blow smoke up your a*s. <em>They will tell you what they think you want to hear. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Please, friends, don't misunderstand me. I am not implying that all women are catty or mean. So not true! There are many wonderful moms in my group! The ones I am talking about here, are the ones I have to see multiple times per week. </p><p></p><p>Because my parents (mostly my mother-whom I lived with) were emotionally negligent with me, I raised difficult son the opposite. I was TOO doting. TOO responsive to him. TOO much did I attend to his every whim and need. </p><p></p><p>He also, has the tendencies, as you and I Copa. To overthink the reactions or statements others make to or about us. To ruminate on them, to try and understand '<em>what did that person mean when he said that to me?</em>' Perhaps he has abandonment issues from his father. Whom he desperately needed the love and attention of, but did not get any. My husband, his SF, gave him this but he is/was not his real, bio father. That was key. My son, in essence, rejected his SF. Still does. I think there is also some jealousy there (son jealous of SF).</p><p></p><p>I didn't mean to hijack this thread, but it just soooooo stuck me and if I could've written most of it.</p><p></p><p>Copa, you and I have much in common.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rebelson, post: 693729, member: 19966"] I think he was trying to get your goat. I found this on passive aggression: "Employers can use passive aggression when confronted with employee problems, turning a blind eye, not facing facts or dealing with genuine cases of bullying and intimidation." Your supervisors' responses to your requests for assistance with learning the ropes, was that they turned a blind eye. You are 100% correct. He had NO right to say that to you. Inappropriate. Slightly intimidating. Copa, I have spent most of my life allowing people to get away with hurting, intimidating me. I have been very slow to 'defend' myself, on many, many, many occasions. It's almost like my mind [I][COLOR=#b300b3][B]freezes up[/B][/COLOR][/I]. So much so, that later that day, after the incident has passed, I am kicking myself in the a*s saying "[I]you're an idiot! why did you let them SAY that to you...and get away with it? You said or did nothing in defense of yourself!" [/I] I also find myself ruminating on it. Obsessing on it. Trying to figure out [I][U]what they meant by that[/U][/I]. I walk away feeling UNlikable. Defective. "What is [I]wrong[/I] with me?" that people take to hurting me so? I am an EASY target. Perhaps, people see that? I have too. I think this is the crux of my issues. And possibly yours. Yes. When someone hurts me, shuns me or is harsh/mean to me...I have often thought '[I]what is wrong with you? you must've done something to deserve that[/I]...' But as I get older, and my son has now ongoing addiction issues, I have less energy to give to this. My internal coping mechanisms have recently, more and more, shut down to this dilemma. Trying to 'put it away' for good. I just am feeling more like "[I]I don't care anymore why x, y or z said that to me...I did nothing, there is nothing I can think of where I deserved __________."[/I] I have mulled over this a thousands times, as I wrote just above^^^. I think this is [I][B]profound[/B][/I]. My newer default when this occurs with someone and my thought is what you wrote - is to quietly remove myself for awhile. Sort of cutting them off, but not cutting them off. If that makes any sense. An example: changing the ability of a FB 'friend' that had hurt me, from being able to see all my posts, pictures to where she can only see what the public can see. Not much. She probably [I]didn't even notice[/I]. Probably childish, but it made me feel better. I am very private and if someone hurts me, I will cut them off from my inner, private, family world. I have a good friend in my children's 'homeschool field trip group' who can be very abrasive, pushy, ([I]so NOT me[/I]) and she seems to command respect from most of the other moms. I am pretty laid back, try to be kind, friendly-I get snubbed all the time. It hurts. This particular friend, I will call her "C", recently [I]seemed[/I] to come to my aid. Our children are GOOD friends & take some classes at a fine arts school. While they are in classes, most of the moms sit in the waiting area. Some do leave to shop and/or enjoy the free child hour or 2. While these moms sit there, they all 'chat'. (I know them all, but not close friends with all.) I have always found this type of scenario of chit-chat, small talk, difficult...or forced. I prefer a one-on-one with someone. Two of these moms have been talking for the past few months of starting a Speech and Debate club for the kids. Well, recently the plans are all ironed out and it's a go for the fall. Over a week ago, they sent out an email to around 10 (apparently) [I]select[/I] other moms, to give the details and starting date/address for 1st meeting. I was not one of the recipients of this email. At one point, I had mentioned to them what a 'cool club' idea that was. My friend, C, was one of the recipients. She forwarded the email to me, cc'ing the original mom-who left me out-saying "[I]yes I am still interested and I forwarded to a friend who is interested also". [/I]That was a week ago. It hurt me to see that I was left out. I could see all the moms email addresses up in the TO: line. I was obvi not there. I feel like those 2 moms did it on purpose, as they do not really interact with or talk to me. I am [I]always[/I] the first one to say 'hi'. I feel the coldness, why? I do not know. I cannot stand cattiness. If someone treats me this way, I do like you mentioned. I bolt. I cut them off. I will still be pleasant to these 2 moms, but I will not get close to them. That is my [I]protection[/I]. Who will protect me, if not myself? This is where my childhood wounds continue to haunt me. My own mother, father [I]did not take care of, protect me[/I]. But, it was their job to. They failed this little girl. I am a grown woman on the outside, but a fragile, wounded little girl on the inside. So, back to the story. Last week, I emailed the 2 moms and cc'd my friend, C. I said: [I]"I think this is a great idea! Is there going to be an informational meeting on it? I do not have any specific details on it, or what’s involved. Thanks!"[/I] Do you know that crickets are still chirping? No response. To me, the silence is key. It seems I am not welcomed. That is my thought process, maybe from my childhood wounds. I have abandonment issues. Do my children suffer because I am defective in some way? Even if they do respond and invite us, do I want my children to be around [I][B]this[/B][/I]? Now, I am upset at myself. For writing that email to these moms. That I gave them the chance to rub my wound. But is this wrong, defective thinking? I don't know. I just know that I have often felt excluded by women. No issues whatsoever with men. I feel like I connect better with men. If I could (I am married, so cannot) I'd have mostly 'men' friends. They are easier to connect with, less judgmental. Not catty or jealous. I also am an attractive, fit person and do not look my age. I feel like some moms are intimidated by me. Because I am often shunned by women, over the years I have made sure that I come off as a friendly person. And don't have resting b*tch face, or something. Lol. I also find that most women don't have interest in me or tend to ask questions. I am the opposite, I am interested in others and I think that I make them feel good because I ask them questions and am truly interested in them. Sometimes I just admit to myself that I am a freak & I have mild Asperger's. :unsure: And, I must do something to rub women the wrong way, in person. Those moms who sit in the waiting area are there pretty much both the days my kids attend classes there. I feel a large amt of anxiety as I never know if they will shun me or include me. I am not a pushy person, so I have trouble just inserting myself into their conversations. This has become so stressful for me, that I think I just need to do what I have to do to feel comfortable. Sit in my car & listen to music or go run errands during class. Will they think I am being rude or snobby by not sitting there anymore? Will their cattiness to me become more justifiable in their minds as I change what I've been doing (sitting with them to not sitting with them)? This is my new worry. :frown: Lately, with my son's current situation - in recovery - recent relapse - I think I am obsessing more. I am truly tired of wondering why people often are harsh to or hurtful to me. I feel like I have a target on my back and/or forehead. I just feel like I need to embrace the way I am. Just to note also, I seem to like the more 'odd' people I meet. If there is an eccentric person, I attract them to me. Maybe it is because the more eccentric ones understand me better? Are interesting to me? Not catty? My friend, C. She is 'different', like I said. One thing about her, she [I]tells it like it is[/I]. I [B]like[/B] that! She is a 'friend'. A real friend will tell you the truth, they are honest with you. Faux friends not so much, they will blow smoke up your a*s. [I]They will tell you what they think you want to hear. [/I] Please, friends, don't misunderstand me. I am not implying that all women are catty or mean. So not true! There are many wonderful moms in my group! The ones I am talking about here, are the ones I have to see multiple times per week. Because my parents (mostly my mother-whom I lived with) were emotionally negligent with me, I raised difficult son the opposite. I was TOO doting. TOO responsive to him. TOO much did I attend to his every whim and need. He also, has the tendencies, as you and I Copa. To overthink the reactions or statements others make to or about us. To ruminate on them, to try and understand '[I]what did that person mean when he said that to me?[/I]' Perhaps he has abandonment issues from his father. Whom he desperately needed the love and attention of, but did not get any. My husband, his SF, gave him this but he is/was not his real, bio father. That was key. My son, in essence, rejected his SF. Still does. I think there is also some jealousy there (son jealous of SF). I didn't mean to hijack this thread, but it just soooooo stuck me and if I could've written most of it. Copa, you and I have much in common. [/QUOTE]
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