how to tun things around?

[Ktllc]

After having a REALLY good couple weeks (since I puled him out of preschool), things started going down hill Thursday afternoon.
V is being very difficult. Nothing is right, he picks at everyone around him, cries over everything and anything, gets stuck on every events (real small stuff like opening the door, getting a snack, playing with toys, etc).
Of course that puts the whole family on edge which does not help the situation. We all had a long at work and we want to catch a break on the weekend. But it is simply impossible because V is having an issue about something every 2 minutes.
I just fabricated a cocoon swing that hangs in the living room . The idea was for V to have a spot to relax, without havin to tell him what to do and he can still see what is going on since the living room is the heart of the house. He loves it! But little problem: all 3 kids love it and now it just create an other reason to argue...
I realize that V has to compete with his siblings, and it is not easy with his rigid thinking. But that is a fact, and I can't change it.
We do the therapeutic listening, I gave him some one on one (went to the store and drop the dog to be groomed, we looked at the cats for adoption). But as soon as we get home: he is back to being difficult.
Not a big tantrum so far, but I feel he is bubbling and able to be back to a calm state of mind.
Any suggestions??
Tomorrow he has playtherapy (which hopefully will calm him a bit), but then he has speech in the afternoon. Speech is hard and he is getting more defiant everytime (kind of fidgety, goofy and sometimes borderline rude).

 

[whatamess]

The swing is working?! Then it is fair for the other kids to let your struggling child use it- they don't NEED it and he does, so he should get to use it when he needs it.

 

[keista]

I agree with whatamess. It is V's swing. If the other kids want a "turn" they can get a 5 or 10 minute turn when V isn't using it. Not everything is meant to be shared.

 

[TeDo]

That is a hard lesson I am trying to teach both of mine. Nothing in life is ever going to be "fair" 100% of the time and they are allowed to have THEIR things. As the others have said, that is V's swing, not the family swing. They can use it when he's not. Period. One thing I would caution is that when one of the others are in the swing and V wants to go in it, DON'T say to them "this is V's swing and he wants it so you need to get out". That WILL set a precendent for V to use against his siblings. Say something like "okay, time's up. Why don't you and I....." That way he doesn't get additional "power". Know what I mean??

 

[Ktllc]

Ok, I understand the principal. And I'm pretty sure that's something Partner would understand. He would/will not be happy about it, but he will get. I also think that he won't care so much about it once the novelty is gone.
As far as Sweet Pea: yeah right! At only 18months, she won't accept such a rule. And she is already a baby wrap fanatic (still carry her on my back from time to time) and the cocoon is basically a giant wrap.
But yes, the cocoon is working: V fell asleep in it last night.
.... once again had to stop to set things straight with the cocoon!!! Ok, I take a five minute break and will have conversation about it with V and Partner.
I might even tell them that V is the one to grant permission, I don't need to be involved. V does want to be nice and does share when he is in the mood. I know he will want to do the right thing eventually (might take a few days, but he will get there).
But it is a tough lesson for partner... and husband is not always 100% on board for things like that. He still thinks "V needs to grow up". That is a true statement, but growing up is not the only answer. I doubt time alone will fix things.

 

[whatamess]

You just said it yourself-he will share and when he CAN'T share because he NEEDS it, then he is learning a valuable coping skill. This could be such an important tool for self-calming and that is what you all need right now, don't impose other life skills like 'growing up' and 'sharing' when he is struggling just to BE. Telling an 18 month old 'no' is hard, maybe you should get two swings?

 

[keista]

Don't forget to teach V time limits. That's one thin my kids forget. They say "you can use it" but never set a limit so an argument ensues. Keep limits short. they can always be extended, but shortening is going back on a deal.

 

[Malika]

I wonder what happened on Thursday (if anything tangible) to make him slide a little? Things just change...
Tomorrow is another day Relish the good times with V; so glad he can have this one to one time with you, probably makes all the difference.

 

[BusynMember]

Ok, I understand the principal. And I'm pretty sure that's something Partner would understand. He would/will not be happy about it, but he will get. I also think that he won't care so much about it once the novelty is gone.
As far as Sweet Pea: yeah right! At only 18months, she won't accept such a rule. And she is already a baby wrap fanatic (still carry her on my back from time to time) and the cocoon is basically a giant wrap.
But yes, the cocoon is working: V fell asleep in it last night.
.... once again had to stop to set things straight with the cocoon!!! Ok, I take a five minute break and will have conversation about it with V and Partner.
I might even tell them that V is the one to grant permission, I don't need to be involved. V does want to be nice and does share when he is in the mood. I know he will want to do the right thing eventually (might take a few days, but he will get there).
But it is a tough lesson for partner... and husband is not always 100% on board for things like that. He still thinks "V needs to grow up". That is a true statement, but growing up is not the only answer. I doubt time alone will fix things.

I agree that since V needs the swing, and the others don't, that sharing it is not an option...there are many things they will get...privileges, toys, etc. that V. will not get. Life isn't fair is a good lesson to learn early.

I am wondering about husband. Why is he so rigid? Does he not see the problems? Does he really believe V can just decide to "grow up" and he will be fine? Does he listen to the therapist? Would he be willing to go to one himself?

I am also wondering if this is V's biological father.

Good luck and glad the swing is helpful!

 

[Ktllc]

Midwest, to answer a few of your questions.
Yes, husband is bio dad. I don't believe he is "rigid", but kind of has a different take on things. He does see the issues and agrees with the therapies. We actually really never fight over wether V has issues or not. But he is definetly not as active in helping him as I am.
husband grew up on a farm among 8 siblings. He believes in hard work being the answer to every things. husband will work V and he will be fine. His idea is: hard work, strong guidance (not physical discipline although he will talk like that, but never implement it) and growing up.
I'm the one seeking all the professionals and iniating things at home.
husband had lots of issues growing up and he still does not know what was wrong. Just that he could not understand people around him until he finally taught himself how to lip read at around 8 years old. Lots of learning issues despite being intelligent. To this days, reading is really hard for husband.
I suppose his logic is: "if I could overcome my challenges without any help, then V will be just fine. We should not worry and just give him time to grow up".
In a way, husband is being very optimistic about V.
But he also supports the application to the Autism program. He even took the time to fill out the Father's questionaire (really hard for husband because of his reading issues).
Maybe he just has faith and is more relaxed about it all.

 

[DammitJanet]

Considering the ages of your kids...I think maybe you need two swings. I saw a really cool swing somewhere online that holds up to 80 pounds I believe and it is for inside. I think it was on the amazon site. It sort of looked like a jungle theme....bounce and swing.

 

[Ktllc]

I did get some extra fabric to make a second swing. But I have not had time to set it up yet. I want to see how that one is working out first. I might do it a little differently so it give V an other option (maybe more like a hammock or something along that line).
I just wish there were a recipe: if I do x,y and z then V will feel better. Here I do x,y and z and it can either be a hit or a miss...

 

[InsaneCdn]

Speech Therapy... if he's finding it hard, is there any way to switch that to mornings? We found that our difficult child was already "burning out" by lunch time, even on a good day... doing "hard stuff" in the afternoons just did not work.

 

[buddy]

I suppose his logic is: "if I could overcome my challenges without any help, then V will be just fine. We should not worry and just give him time to grow up".

This is where I suppose it would be helpful for husband to realize there is a spectrum to nearly everything. While V may have similar issues in some way, he is clearly not just snapping out of it with the hard work. He may have something similar to his dad, but in a more intense form. Besides that, most of us want things to not be so hard for our kids if we had it rough. I would hope that V can be as successful in overcoming as husband but NOT have to do it all the hard way.

What you say about husband is very interesting. Given the issues of each of the kids, in their own ways, sure makes you wonder if it is all tied together some how.