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How would you guys handle this?
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<blockquote data-quote="buddy" data-source="post: 560948" data-attributes="member: 12886"><p>In my house I don't have alot of options for consequences because most of my son's activities are.part of therapy so I pick restrictions very carefully. I think its reasonable to wait a bit on the permit since the very day she broke your trust it would be a mixed message to say but I trust you driving. But I'd reserve that consequence as a long term thing for higher level infractions. But everyone is different of.course. I think limiting access to FB is a great choice though they easily can use friends items to get on. You have to decide how much of a power struggle you want. Without saying it to her, I personally would ignore if she goes on it somewhere else. The limited access (no iPod phone or computer type of thing ) seems more enforceable. </p><p></p><p>In the spirit of Ross Greene and others, I wonder where this issue is compared to other challenges she has. If, compared to safety or behaviors that directly impact stress in the home etc., where does this issue fall? I grew up not swearing and do not like it. I have learned to live with it because its so difficult in our situation to modify. So, it is divided into categories and if the words fall into the embarrassing or rude even disrespectful category the goal is to distract and get the focus on something else. If it.is.threatening sounding or in your face name calling then warnings are given and through distraction etc., he has to.stop or the consequence will happen. But, it can't be a super high ticket thing or he gets so stressed he can't stop....he actually can't even remember saying some things. But all this is because for us.... a higher need is to manage physical aggression.</p><p></p><p>So, if.this is a point where you have most "a basket behaviors" like anything with.safety or similar .... and you have worked through b basket behaviors to this point, then it makes sense to work on it as you are doing. I'd encourage you to be realistic about how much you can control when it comes to.word.choices ... just because in a difficult child house lowering overall stress is key to keeping serious behaviors in control. (in my humble opinion of course ).....</p><p></p><p>The other thing I'd think about is if the skill you are trying to teach is respect for rules in general, or being trustworthy, or to use polite language, or what the difference is between social language with a peers vs. an authority figure vs. a general/public audience, or how to use other options inc tone of.voice, or is lying a.target.behavior? Does.she need.to.learn to following specific directions etc. You get the idea. </p><p></p><p> None is better or worse but defining it can make it so you don't fall in a trap I have fallen into before....one infraction leads to another issue and another because they all feel bad and are not what I would prefer him to do... and his response to my consequence is disrespectful then that gets punished etc...eventually it's very hard to turn the situation around and get peace and learning opportunities afterwards. And I have been stuck with having handed out barely enforceable consequences plus end up punishing myself and causing overall anxiety which triggers more unacceptable situations. In other words we.spiral down quickly.</p><p></p><p>Sorry about the added periods ..... my phone adds them.</p><p></p><p>Hope this makes some sense. Overall on the face of it I think your choices are logical. I was just answering your question by offering some food for thought. Throw it out if you don't think any of it fits your family.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="buddy, post: 560948, member: 12886"] In my house I don't have alot of options for consequences because most of my son's activities are.part of therapy so I pick restrictions very carefully. I think its reasonable to wait a bit on the permit since the very day she broke your trust it would be a mixed message to say but I trust you driving. But I'd reserve that consequence as a long term thing for higher level infractions. But everyone is different of.course. I think limiting access to FB is a great choice though they easily can use friends items to get on. You have to decide how much of a power struggle you want. Without saying it to her, I personally would ignore if she goes on it somewhere else. The limited access (no iPod phone or computer type of thing ) seems more enforceable. In the spirit of Ross Greene and others, I wonder where this issue is compared to other challenges she has. If, compared to safety or behaviors that directly impact stress in the home etc., where does this issue fall? I grew up not swearing and do not like it. I have learned to live with it because its so difficult in our situation to modify. So, it is divided into categories and if the words fall into the embarrassing or rude even disrespectful category the goal is to distract and get the focus on something else. If it.is.threatening sounding or in your face name calling then warnings are given and through distraction etc., he has to.stop or the consequence will happen. But, it can't be a super high ticket thing or he gets so stressed he can't stop....he actually can't even remember saying some things. But all this is because for us.... a higher need is to manage physical aggression. So, if.this is a point where you have most "a basket behaviors" like anything with.safety or similar .... and you have worked through b basket behaviors to this point, then it makes sense to work on it as you are doing. I'd encourage you to be realistic about how much you can control when it comes to.word.choices ... just because in a difficult child house lowering overall stress is key to keeping serious behaviors in control. (in my humble opinion of course )..... The other thing I'd think about is if the skill you are trying to teach is respect for rules in general, or being trustworthy, or to use polite language, or what the difference is between social language with a peers vs. an authority figure vs. a general/public audience, or how to use other options inc tone of.voice, or is lying a.target.behavior? Does.she need.to.learn to following specific directions etc. You get the idea. None is better or worse but defining it can make it so you don't fall in a trap I have fallen into before....one infraction leads to another issue and another because they all feel bad and are not what I would prefer him to do... and his response to my consequence is disrespectful then that gets punished etc...eventually it's very hard to turn the situation around and get peace and learning opportunities afterwards. And I have been stuck with having handed out barely enforceable consequences plus end up punishing myself and causing overall anxiety which triggers more unacceptable situations. In other words we.spiral down quickly. Sorry about the added periods ..... my phone adds them. Hope this makes some sense. Overall on the face of it I think your choices are logical. I was just answering your question by offering some food for thought. Throw it out if you don't think any of it fits your family. [/QUOTE]
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