how??

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jena, Apr 26, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i have to apologize i've been in this place for years and have never ventured to offer support in this forum here.

    so i'm sorry...... yet now i'm going to be here alot i fit the 18 or out of home. ugh.

    ok so how do you guys do it? seriously i'm sitting here reading thru the posts and i'm like wow these ppl are amazing..... i'm soo weak on this one.

    your all really strong resourceful and well it's humbling. me, i'm like a fish out of water, wanna go get my kid every other day like some psycho mom. have to talk myself down almost every other day. letting go is hard, want to call the school, make her go fix it. on and on i go..............

    yea ok so how?? get up each day and smile even if it's fake and move on?? ignore, detatch mantra's?? :) thanks!!!!
     
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I recall seeing some really good detachment threads not too long ago. Month or so maybe?
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Me?

    I simply remember myself at their ages. Which vividly reminds me of how it made me feel when my Mom told me what I should/shouldn't do.......and how much I didn't listen to a word out of her mouth simply because I was a difficult child and it came from her. So? Since I know they won't listen, why waste my breath?

    Doesn't mean we don't discuss things.....but decision making is up to them, not me. And I don't give advice unless asked and even then I tend to turn the conversation back around as to pros/cons what do YOU want to do sort of thing instead of advising. Has to be pretty huge deal for me to say something.

    Like everything else.........it takes practice. And you'll still trip up from time to time.

    Hugs
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Three books I recommend:


    Setting Boundaries with your adult children: Six steps to hope and healing for struggling parents by Allison Bottke

    The Enabler: When helping hurts the ones we love by Angelyn Miller

    When our Grown Kids Disappoint Us: Letting go of their problems, loving them anyway, and getting on with out lives by Jane Adams
     
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    For me it has been a good therapist and practice..... it is really hard to step back and let go. I need help from a therapist to figure out how and when to do it..... it was really helpful getting an objective 3rd party to help me to figure it out. She gave me some really good advice along the way.
     
  6. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Jena,
    One day at a time. I've been here a year, but I still feel new. Also, my difficult child was a easy child until fairly recently so it's ALL new to me. I am in awe of the parents in this forum and how they have handled, with grace, a plethora of situations. Still, everyone was new to this and to having a difficult child at some point. Some are just a lot further along!

    Janet, I'll have to check out those books!
    Dash
     
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I poke my nose in here from time to time, not because I have an adult child but because a lot of the detachment can be the same...

    One day at a time... Like Dash said.
     
  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with toughlovin.. practice, and therapy. I also read and re-read literature on boundaries and codependency, especially when I feel my detachment skills slipping. Detachment isn't easy, in fact it's downright painful at times ... but it does get slightly easier with time. That is, you get better at it. I also remind myself of something a therapist told me long ago: anything I to to help (enable) her today, only hurts her later. What would my kids do if I weren't around any more? They'll have to learn how to cope without me and my "help" eventually.
     
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I often remember from childhood "same verse...same as the first". Don't ask what song or rhyme it went with, lol, I just remember a bunch of kids singing it together. There's significance if that little refrain. Revisiting the "same" over and over is counterproductive. During the lull in between storms you rest your body and your brain. Like a broken record I consistently suggest using that short Serenity Prayer as many times a day as necessary to remind yourself of what is in your power and what is not. Fighting windmills has no productive result...it just wears you down. DDD
     
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Letting Go''
    * To "let go'' does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
    * To "let go'' is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.
    * To "let go'' is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
    * To "let go'' is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
    * To "let go'' is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
    * To "let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.
    * To "let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.
    * To "let go'' is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
    * To "let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
    * To "let go'' is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
    * To "let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.
    * To "let go'' is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
    * To "let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
    * To "let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
    * To "let go'' is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
    * To "let go'' is to fear less and love myself more.
     
  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    And yes, some days, you just fake it. The funny thing is, tho, even on those days you're "faking", you're practicing.

    I guess I was lucky in that my difficult child's were so willful from the beginning, I learned early on that we never have control of another being. Ever. Even as tiny infants, if they want to cry, they will cry, and there is not a thing in the world that we can do that will truly make that baby stop (aside from the unthinkable). We might be able to adjust its environment and make it more comfortable or happy, and it chooses to stop crying, thus we have influence, but at no point do we ever make it stop - we don't have that control, even then.
     
  12. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I have good days and bad. But for me I finally had this lightbulb moment when I got it- I need to focus on ME and MY LIFE, rather than Kat's. In general I'm pretty good at keeping my focus on myself. I still struggle with setting and keeping boundaries when she calls and wants something, but I'm much better than I used to be. It takes practice and focus literally every single day.
     
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks guys........ heading to library over weekend to see if i can find those books. thank you. therapist is jerking me around so haven't been in in two weeks........ gotta find new one. hmm therapists keep dropping me should i take this as a sign?? LOL.

    yea i guess i knew the answer get up live life forget about it best i can. i'm finding it hard lately because of soo many horrible schoool calls and notices in mail.
     
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Don't open them. Get a shoe box, and toss them in it. Until you feel better able to handle it...let it go.

    This is one of those instances that I tried to describe before...there's nothing you can do about it, it just makes you mad when you get confirmation of what you already know, so don't go looking for (or at) info.

    I know that cgfg is failing more than one class. I can do nothing about it. I rarely look at her grades because it just makes me angrier (because she could easily be helped). So what good does it do me to open those notices from school or look at her grades or know that she's going on a field trip to reward good grades and hard work that I know she didn't earn? It doesn't...so I'd rather not have the gory details of it all. It makes peace within myself easier.
     
  15. troubled

    troubled Guest

    Hey, I am not so strong. For years, I had to put on a front even when I was crumbling to pieces inside. If someone keeps punching you in the stomach, after awhile your stomach toughens up so you can take the punches. That's what happened to me. I had to survive and I took all the blame for everything difficult child said and did to others because I divorced her father and it was all on me. difficult child chased away any friends I might have and I had no social life at all other than seeing family on holidays and birthdays.

    No one will say you are weak because you feel frustration or want to cry. You are human. I go on with life taking care of me as best I can but you won't see me smiling much. I have only one true friend and I don't talk about difficult child to strangers because I'd rather not feel defensive or embarrassed or ashamed over difficult children actions and problems. I hate that I am even related to her right now. Shes the only person in my family who has been in jail. I was mortified and shocked despite warning her she would eventually end up there and it didn't even take 2 months. The ONLY reason she's even calling me or relatives for help is because her boyfriend's parents couldn't care less what happens to her and he is under his parents control because they are his legal guardians and have control of his Soc Sec Disabilty money and he lives with them. It's partly his fault she is in jail right now, too, but I believe she doesn't see that part of it. All she is used to doing is blaming others for the consequences of her own decisions, one of which was to "do whatever she wants" and get evicted from my home and unwelcome at anyone elses', including the women's shelter she was last at. Will she ever own up to her problems being her own fault? Probably not. But at least, now that she is over 18 and out of my home, no one can blame me anymore. Small consolation, I know, but I'll take it. I have nothing else.

    Don't let it get you down. Have your "moments" but yes, carry on. When it comes to difficult child = "It's not my fault, I didn't cause it and I can't fix it." That's my new mantra and I wonder where I heard that? :)

     
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Best thing you can do with the school??

    Call them up, inform them easy child does NOT live with you, so STOP sending you information and notifications. Send all such to her current address. If they don't have it tough cookies for them.

    You can't worry about something you don't know about. Ignorance can be bliss at times.

    Hugs
     
  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i'm trying....... school won't do that because of her age and i'm her legal guardian and parent. all news comes here, each and every single day. it drives me mad weekends are easiest because no calls, no letters, no deans reaching out prinicipals teacher's calling nada.

    and they keep saying to me it's illegal this mom could be brougt up on charges...... ya know how i'm feeling right now and so hearing that is like putting candy infront ofa kid and saying na no candy today let's eat an apple instead. if it were not for this mom helping her drop out maybe just maybe she would of hit her rock bottom and been able to climb back up and out. it's this mom i'm gunning for. i know dont' tell me i'm redirecting my anger and the mom's got nothing to do with it lol. she left here at 17, this mom's housing her, she is not attending school at all it seems since she walked out the door. i'm mad. really mad. i just posted again.......

    i'm alone tonight and i'm itching to go. husband keeps saying what good will it do. i siad i'll feel better to unleash on this mom and say who are you to do what your doing are you her mom, her parent? wtf
     
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jena...you keep asking about who would take in a 17 year old. I have. Well, maybe I should say Cory brought home a stray and we kept her. Mandy. Maybe we shouldnt have taken her in but we did and no we didnt call anyone to tell them where she was because she was a runaway from a broken down foster care system. She had been living in a tent in the woods when Cory met her and he just couldnt let her stay there and he brought her home to us. We got her cleaned back up, back in school and well...the rest his history. I was definitely not calling anyone on her but then, she also wasnt my first stray to enter my door. I seem to attract the troubled souls for some reason.
    .
     
  19. Jena

    Jena New Member

    as do i. yet Janet you doing what you did is a blessing, a true gift. this woman lives 20 blocks away she knows of me very well i'm sure..... i'm the mom who runs when easy child's friends got into car crash 4 weeks ago to the scene i went to offer them a hand keep them calm etc. this mom isnt' doing what you did. she's just letting her be, enabling her. she's stopping her from hitting rock bottom. that's what we need rock bottom now so she can climb back up.

    i was stupid tonight posted on my other thread........sheesh how many do i have to date?? too many....... i went to house. needless to say i'm home now. a little teary yet i'll be ok.
     
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I didnt do it all right. She isnt perfect and she has a ton of emotional and mental issues relating back to where she came from. I so wish she hadnt met Cory because now we wouldnt be dealing with having this new baby. She is one who has always had a drug and alcohol problem but honestly, if she wasnt here, I dont know where she would have gone. I think she would have been in far worse shape. I do know because of me and Cory she graduated HS and soon she will have her AS. She still has a ton of other problems though. What person doesnt that comes from my house...lol.
     
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