HUGE fight today between difficult child and husband. . . Lord Give Me Strength . . .

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SONS GONE WILD, Apr 6, 2008.


    SONS GONE WILD Moms goin' crazy

    Hi everyone. First time posting under this forum, and pretty new to CD altogether, have a difficult child with drug and substance abuse problems and have posted there, so some of you may remember me.

    Got phone calls, while at a birthday party with my 7 yo daughter, from both husband and difficult child that they just got into it; husband pulled difficult child out of bed because difficult child took husband's cranberry juice, so husband kicked him out! Sounds crazy, I know, but if you lived in my house, you would understand. Time and time again husband tells difficult child not to drink his beer, not to throw cigarette butts around on our property, etc. but difficult child does it anyway. husband is in a very deep depression lately. Long story short on him: Very overweight, diagnosed with depression, back and shoulder trouble, lost his family's 2 properties in N.O. during Hurricane Katrina, subsequently within a 12 month span his 43 yo sister and 68 yo mother both passed away, sister with MS and totally handicapped, otherwise healthy mother diagnosed with cancer (multiple myeloma) July 2007 and died within 8 weeks. Besides all this, trying to deal/cope with difficult child the last few years, who is currently in outpatient rehab.

    Things just building up for husband who has constant back pain and nothing seems to work. Currently hoping to get some type of weight loss surgery - I know this won't rid all of his problems, but should help with the back pain. He on top of that has a hot temper and lets things build up for a while before letting loose - which happened today.

    I ran home to get difficult child's medications, which he has to take to keep him from doing opiates - then gave him a ride to friend's house. Then I had a long talk with husband, even told him I would drive him to a psychiatric facility to get an evaluation bc I can't live like this any more. He says hes been there done that and he knows what's wrong and talking to a shrink isn't going to do him any good. Both of us in tears, just horrible. husband tells me to CHOOSE between difficult child and husband! I told him I would never do that - they both need help. difficult child is finally doing something positive and I have to do whatever I can to keep him going with that.

    I am just at my wits end. After several phone calls to both me and husband, difficult child returned and had a short talk with husband and they agreed, again, to work together and work this all out, but it just won't go away on its own. This is only a bandaid on a much bigger problem. I think difficult child is doing better, since he kept calling, even apologized to husband, maybe he has a conscience after all. He knows he has it good living at home, has no where else to go anyway; maybe the Suboxone he's on helps him realize this. By the way, he got a job starting tomorrow. Has had a few of these, none of which worked out, but hopefully this one will.

    difficult child is no way doing great, but soooo much better, even takes a shower and changes his clothes daily so, like I said, he is moving in a positive direction!

    A friend told me to put it all in God's hands . . . I'm trying, but I can't just sit back and do nothing.

    Thanks for listening. :sad-very:
  2. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    Yikes!!!! Well I would hope that difficult child got the clue to leave his Dads Cranberry juice alone. Violence is not the cure all and I certainly do not condone it but it sure can be effective in sending a clear message so long as the recipiant gets it loud and clear. I am glad that you stuck your ground with your husband as far as having to choose. Its a very selfish act for anybody to throw that out to a Mom. I hope that your husband can get the appropriate help to manage his anger as well as the other ailments that he is having to deal with. It would also help if your difficult child (An adult) can step up and stay within the boundries that have been stated by your husband. If my difficult child were leaving cigg butts all over the property after being told not to, I would pick them up and stuff them in her pillowcase. I did that with her smelly socks and it took her a while for her to notice but it did break her from leaving them all around the house. Lol!! That is awesome that your difficult child starts a job tomorrow, Good luck with that, I hope he does well with it.
  3. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    My appology for not giving you a warm welcome. Welcome to CD. :) You will find this group to be very supportive and caring.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    You know -----

    I read your whole post. Some parts twice, and I see you listing all the reasons why husband gets a 'pass' for lack of better word to continue behaving like he does, I see you listing all the reasons for difficult child to behave like he does, and I see NOTHING in there for YOU, but 2 people making promises after a violent episode over a bottle of cranberry juice. NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR YOU TO HAVE SOME SANITY IN ALL THAT....


    You made some pretty valid points for a woman who is under so much stress. Yes..I GET IT about the cranberry juice - It could have been toothpaste, a pencil, or newspaper for all that mattered. Your husband has HAD IT. Get that very well. Don't know a parent who hasn't been there. And I ABSOLUTELY KNOW about back surgery patient, depression, over weight, depressed - and dealing with a difficult child as a step father. been there done that - won't do it again. Too much stress for ME.

    I think If I were you - since your husband has refused to get any sort of counseling and be open to anything but continue doing what he's been doing without success - and making a statement about me or him? I'd take my 7 year old daughter, rent a motel room for us for a week at a beach and throw my cell phone in the mail box.

    Your a fixer - that is what fixers do - we FIX things - we mend fences, we keep the peace, we bind the ties. And we burn out pretty dang early in life and have strokes, or heart attacks and then *think* about WHO among your house hold will be there to NURSE YOU!!! Son overcoming addiction - or depressed husband? (I didn't have addicted son but get the picture?)

    TAKE CARE OF YOU - And let them go - if they are going to verbally kill each other - let them - you sound like you need a break from being EVERYONES MOM. And that's a shame because you make 120% sense in what you said to husband and difficult child.

  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to PE.

    I ditto Star.

    I'm the "fixer" who had the heart attack.

  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I have a question,

    Is difficult child really still drinking husband's beer? Because if he is, you know, then he is not clean and sober. I'm not sure what they are telling him in the outpatient rehab, or if he is just pumping sunshine up their you-know-whats. But stopping drugs means stopping ALL drugs, and alcohol is a drug.

    SONS GONE WILD Moms goin' crazy

    Thanks for all the comments.

    I know I am a fixer, always have been. Still have two PCs to take care of too, 7 yo and 14 yo - but am really trying to do some things for me lately too.

    husband and difficult child are doing better today. husband was very apologetic to me - anger gets the best of us sometimes I know - although it doesn't justify it.

    To BBK - I do realize difficult child is not totallly clean and sober. This rehab facility feels that if they take EVERYTHING away all at once, he will not go, which I agree to. They will be working more with him on getting through all he is using; the medications take care of the opiates only. I'm happy to have him off those, but realize he needs much more help. They hope to be moving faster, they hired another therapist this week, so will be meeting with him one on one more and hopefully soon into group. He admits to them what he is using, so they are aware. Keep telling me he is a work in progress!

    Thanks again.
  8. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Crazy Mom....

    I had a long, drawn out reply to you, but I've trashed it and instead simply offer my prayers and hopes that things get better for you. I can see your husband's position (I'm nearly there myself), but I also thoroughly understand your position as well. It's a tough spot you're in, and I hope you find the strengh, peace, and endurance to see it through. Ditto what the other's said, as well, about YOU being important in this tough time. Take care of yourself; if not FOR yourself, then for your husband and your son, because it seems to me that you're the only thing keeping their relationship together (in whatever form that relationship has). I don't know what that "help" for you is, but I agree that you should make sure that your own needs don't fall to the bottom of the list.

    Best wishes and prayers for you and your family.

  9. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    Dear Sons..........
    Wow, I know exactly where you are!!
    husband is depressed and 120 lbs over weight.. back ache.. grumpy.. BUT WONT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!
    Andre is step child of husband and husband was difficult with- difficult child and at times my side of the family wanted me to chose between husband and difficult child.......... THIS IS NOT A CHOICE!!! ....
    difficult child is gone from home now .. that releaves some pressure but husband is still a grumpy b*typical teen...
    I highly suggest you take some "ME" time... Every Monday night I go to a ladies Bible study.. I even leave the cell phone in the car.... I make sure I am "out of pocket" for about 4 hours... this has helped greatly in buying me some sanity!!
    I sure hope things get better for you!

    SONS GONE WILD Moms goin' crazy

    ChefP . . . sorry to hear you can relate so well, but also good to know you understand. Thanks for the support. I am trying to do more and more for me, have to do it slowly, I have been "all for the family" for 18 years now, so its hard to step back!

    And Mikey, thanks for your words of support . . . greatly appreciated.
  11. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    you are welcome "sons"...
    Sometimes it is good to know that others not only care..
    but can relate... not that you would wish these issues on anyone else
    but just knowing some one out there really really knows!!
    How you feel.........
  12. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    All I can say is welcome. You have thousands of gentle ears to talk to.

    Depression is a drag. I can totally relate. It makes you do things to the closest people that you would never have done in the past.

    Keep checking in, hun.