Hurricane togetherness~~with difficult child

[wakeupcall]

Finally we're back in our home in Houston. We fled to San Antonio expecting a storm surge of ten feet in our house. At the last minute the hurricane turned and all we ended up with is a downed fence, wind damage to the trees, etc. I won't complain about not having internet or tv or power for a few days after seeing what my neighbors in Galveston are enduring.

While we were cooped up in a hotel room difficult child was absolutely horrid. We left on Thurs. and he'd had a medication check on Wed. She upped his Abilify, and wanted to see us in a month rather than the customary 3 months. He's so obstinate I can hardly live with him. I know, he's almost thirteen, but still. He doesn't do a thing that husband or I tell him, in fact he does just the opposite and looks at us like."just do something about it". It's getting to the point where it's going to either be him or me. Last evening he sat beside me on the sofa and bounced the back of his head against the back of the sofa for a few minutes. He made a sound like, "uuuhhh, uhhhhh, uhhhh" over and over. (It's hard to describe this.) That has nothing to do with being thirteen. Everytime he passes our Yorkies he either smacks them or kicks at them. This morning the female bit him for smacking her. I didn't even care. He has a rather new set of drums and the rule has always been he couldn't play them till 9:30 AM. He just screamed (and I mean SCREAMED) at me that he could do anything he wants and went into the room and started playing. I just plain do NOT know how to handle this. We've been to therapy for 9 years and he's been on medications for 9 years. What am I doing wrong? Is he retarded? (I hate that word.) Can he not follow what I say or is it a choice?

I've got to send....he's jerking the computer away from me.

 

[meowbunny]

Sounds more like he's pretty self-willed. A good thing when choices have to be made and you're wise enough to understand that "no" can be the best move. A horrible thing when the idea is to do what you want when you want.

As to the drums, there's a very simple solution. He loses them. He's right, he can do what he wants. However, that doesn't mean he doesn't have to suffer the consequences of what he does. Most kids learn this at a very young age. Some take a lot longer -- ADHD kids seem to "get it" in their 20s or even 30s. So, where possible let natural consequences take their course -- you can't follow the rule of no drums before 9:30 am, the drums are taken away (maybe you could have a neighbor call the police to complain -- that might get the message across much better than you saying a word). You want to bother the household by headbanging or making noises (unless it is truly unavoidable because it is a stimulant or a tic)? Don't be surprised when you no longer have a cushion behind your head or back. You hurt the dogs? The dogs bite you.

No question that part of it is the obnoxiousness of his age. Young teens are awful human beings. Actually, I think calling them humans is beng overly kind. When you add ADHD, ODD and whatever else into the mix, there is little doubt they are sub-human for a few years. I'm sorry.

HUGS

 

[TerryJ2]

Yes, he loses the drums.
No yelling, just make them go away, and then calmly tell him it was because he didn't respect your rules and boundaries. He can earn them back by practicing rules and boundaries in other areas.
I'd start by teaching him not to kick the dogs. Ea time he walks by them and does NOT kick them, compliment him. You have to catch him doing something right.

with-the head and noise issue, he is self stimulating. That's not just a mood disorder.
When was the last time you had an evaluation?

I'm so glad your house and home and neighborhood are intact after the hurricane.
Yes, Galveston and Houston are a mess. I saw pics on the Internet. It will take yrs to clean it up. We had a category 1 5 yrs ago and we're finally back up to speed--street signs, roofs, etc.