hurting, advice please

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by shiela, Apr 1, 2014.

  1. shiela

    shiela Member

    I posted a few months back in another forum, they suggested I come here. Long story, but in the present, I have a 33 yr old son who I always helped. Many, many rehabs..Oxford homes, bedding, rent, jail fines, etc. Last yr he left a long term rehab, FREE, AS WE HAVE NO MORE. He overdosed on herion, brought back. His girlfriend was pregnant, she only 21..alsp herion. Met at a former rehab. We helped our son again, baby was born and came to live in our 2 bedroom apartment. We lost our home of 20 yrs to a short sale. Girlfriend moved in at Christmas, as our son has baby. State has case due to mother using, baby in hospital for two weeks after delivery. It has been 4 1/2 mths, the state has yet to put girlfriend in recovery. She isn't using, ( I don't think) but, sleeps till noon. My son is on suboxin, was critised at AA meetings, and stopped going. My husband is retired and has a long history of many surgeries and heart disease. I developed Afib a couple months ago while all going on and was in intensive care. When I make suggestions to them, they don't like it. We made them leave our home last week, my son has been verbally abusive to me and his girlfriend doesn't do anything but stay in bedroom. I feel badly for baby, but, we are too old to raise her and have other grandchildren that have been neglected during my sons ordeal. I am afraid my son will die, or loose his daughter. But, I have no more strength. I am so sad, and just want to feel some happiness. I want to go on a vacation with my husband before one of us are too disabled...
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your hurting mommy heart, but I do wonder why you are taking on your son's family and even his girlfriend? Your son is 33, almost middle aged, and his girlfriend should probably lose custody. She is unfit. So is your son. And you can't parent anymore. You are both ill.

    There is nothing you can do, as you well know, to make your son healthy and clean and even less you can do about the girlfriend. If it were me, I would have called CPS on them both long ago for the sake of the innocent babies. I am not sure, at my age, t hat I'd want to be a parent again, but I sure wouldn't want my grandbabies in their care and I wouldn't want my grown son and his sidekick in my apartment, taking up my own life, sucking the oxygen out of my life, making me give up any time I have to be with respectful loved ones, friends, hobbies and just the fun that life offers.

    Hon, you have no control over whether or not your son dies. I don't have control over my often suicidal son either. I don't try to because I don't want to waste time. If he threatens suicide to me, I call 911. It's all I can do. Like you, I have other children and a great husband and I will no longer neglect them for my over-the-top grown man 36 year old who still often acts like his is ten. It's up to him now to take care of himself. I have set strict boundaries up as far as him being allowed to interact with me. If he breaks through my boundaires, such as screaming, swearing, demeaning me, I hang up the phone. He lives a few states away. I feel I am lucky. But if he lived here, he would not be allowed in the house alone with me because he has a hard time controlling himself and I believe my house is my castle, just as he believes his house is HIS castle. As we both should.

    You deserve to not only vacation with your husband whenever you like, but to rid yourself of the burden of trying to save your son. You can't do anything for anyone if the stress of it kills you. And you are not supposed to be parenting a middle age man...and his honey. Baby or not.You do not have to talk to him. I wouldn't talk to him about anything deeper than the weather and I'd hang up on him if he gets abusive. Cut off the money supply. He is old enough to get a job or apply for welfare. KICK OUT THE GIRLFRIEND! Expect abuse, as you have had will likely get worse. That's what they all do. When we cut off the money supply, they amp up the abuse. Just make sure you are safe and maybe don't talk to him for a few weeks or read any texts...give him a chance to see that you need a break and will not engage him at all if he isn't respectful. It works if you demand it. Either that or they cut you off. Would that be so bad?

    Call CPS, is my suggestion. Get the baby in good care, hopefully. Drug addicts can't provide it and you deserve a break. When was the last time you two thought about your own lives, what YOU enjoy, what YOU want, what YOU need from others in a relationship?

    Take good care of a very important who is REALLY getting neglected badly...YOU!

    Others should come along to offer their take on things. Trust me, I feel your pain. Now stop feeling your own pain and start living again. You should enjoy these years. I hope your son isn't the reason you lost your house, but, if it is, see what he is doing to you? Please don't let him destroy you even one more day. Detach, detach, detach.

    If you go to Parent Emeritus, you can read a great article on detaching. Also, you may want to read Melody Beatty's great book "Codependent No More."
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2014
  3. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    I agree with the CPS report. Also, since both mother and father are drug addicts - even if they are in some recovery program, if there are any drugs in their system, you can file or petition for custody of your grandchild. I know this sends fear into some people about taking over a baby as they could potentially be retiring, however, there isn't anyone in the 'system' that could probably do a better job than people who already love the baby. IF that is not an option, talk to family members, church members, etc. An addict is an addict for life, it's whether they USE or not that determines how long they stay on the wagon or fall off

    None of this is an easy road. When my adult daughter was using (started at 16), I had to place her outside my home but my heart ached more than anything I have ever experienced. I am grateful she found her way, cleaned up, is now married to a stable person (Marine) and has 2 beautiful children that I get to see and play with constantly. I fear every day for her still, because I kow it can take the slightest thing to send her back down that road. I know, regardless, I would do absolutely everything I could to ensure my grandchildren never hit the system that fails so many children.

    Good luck. If for any reason, come here for support and to vent. It really does help instead of bottling it have to let it go to replenish your strength.
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Sheila I'm glad you are here but I'm so sorry for your pain. Remember the three C's, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It is very sad that you son and themother of his child are both addicted to heroin and I hope you do call CPS and they take care of the baby. I know how hard this is but you and your husband raised your children and have a right to have peace in your life.

    I agree with MWM that you should cut off all help to your son. He needs serious help for his addiction and that will not happen if anyone is helping him by no facing up to the problem.

    You may have to face the fact that he may die. It is awful to think that and even more horrible to say out loud but that is possible if he does not get help. I hope you can find a support group in your area that will help you through this. A wonderful group I have found is Families Anonymous FA. They understand.
  5. shiela

    shiela Member

  6. shiela

    shiela Member

    Thank you very much, your words are a Godsend. Thank you for understanding and helping us to move forward for our own happiness. Today, we actually felt some of our stress starting to ease with them gone from our home. Your advice about not being alone with him, is what I will do. I have been anxious about that. He is very strong, tall, loud and a former marine. All the advice I read from your posts, has made me feel more confident that I can do this.. Not allow him to manipulate or verbally abuse us any longer. What a wonderful forum. Thank you!
  7. shiela

    shiela Member

    I know the next week or two, will be hard, as my son comes here for more of their belongings. This morning, he came, and would not look at me. He will only speak to his father. His dad is having a hard time too, letting go. He is his only son. If my husband and I are to have any peace left in our older years, we must give our son up to make his own fate. Addiction is a disease, and a family, inherited disease. I received many helpful feedback comments this morning, thank you all and thank God for this site. It is a mother's horror to have her child, any age, come to her for help... learning to say no, may save not only their life, but the mother's.. This forum gave me so much courage today.
  8. Dun Haddit

    Dun Haddit Member

    It was the hardest thing I had to do when I had to release my daughter from my life. I cried every night. I cried every day. You cannot control the actions of others. You are a guide and compass as they grow up, but how they interpret the direction to follow is not your fault.

    it was almost 4 years before I saw my daughter, and then she was still messed up so I had to not see her. Getting pregnant was the only thing that cleaned her up. The years of drugs and the recklessness that come with it will forever scar her and may one day, kill her. But she is clean and on the wagon for almost 4 years now. SHE had to decide it was time to get better.

    The agony during this time is unspeakable and I'm not going to sugar coat it - it's hard to hear but you need to know that enabling your son makes it that much harder for him to stop. Cut the purse strings and work on healing YOUR damages or you will never get past this.
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Shiela, I am so sorry you are at this crossroads. It is so hard and so painful, I know because I have been there and today, I am there once again.

    I have worked very hard on myself and to develop a much healthier way of thinking over the past several years and particularly over the past several months. I have literally "reformatted" the way I think and act.

    It can be done with a lot of hard work. You don't have to continue to be as miserable as you and husband are today, whether or not your son changes or stays the same.

    When I first heard that, I said Never! I can't be truly happy when my own son's life is in the toilet.

    But I was wrong Shiela. If you start working on yourself, taking advantage of all of the tools available, you will see your feelings, your thinking and your life start to change.

    Some possible tools:

    1. AlAnon or NarAnon or any 12-step program that is for families of the affected person. Go to meetings, buy the literature, get a sponsor, work the program. Find out what that means---to work the program---and start doing it.
    2. Take care of yourself. Make yourself as important as your son is. Because you are. Do one nice thing for yourself every single day. The more compassion and kindness and love we show to ourselves, the more we can show to other people. And giving and serving others is one of the most healing tools of all.
    3. Write down your feelings and your thoughts. You can write them here or in a journal or in AlAnon workbooks. But write them down.
    4. Read books about better ways of thinking: Codependent No More, Boundaries, AlAnon Literature, Pema Chodron, When the Servant Becomes the Master, Simple Abundance. There are many good books.
    5. Write a gratitude list every day. Take five minutes in the morning and write down 5 things you are grateful for today. It will truly transform you---just that one simple thing.
    6. Saying the Serenity Prayer. Over and over again.

    You can rebuild your life and you deserve that. We just can't change anybody else. God hasn't given us that Power. We can only change ourselves, no matter how much we want to change our children. And I get it, we want it more than anything. It's time for that to stop. THEY have to want it more than anything. WE have to want our own lives to be healthy more than anything. Once we change the focus from them to us, that is a very good first day and first step on the path to a more serene, happy and contented life.

    Blessings and hugs to you today.
  10. shiela

    shiela Member

    Thank you all, for your words of experience and hope. My thoughts and prayers are with you all, and that our families will heal.